Let Yourself Fall

thirty-seven

Noelle

Beep. Beep. Beep.

What's that sound?

Fuck, my head hurts like a bitch.

I just want to sleep. I turn around and... Ouch.

My eyes fly open, and I stare at the tube in my arm. I look around.

I'm in the hospital.

Slowly but surely, I can remember everything. Andrew. Andrew with a gun. Finn. Something hitting me on my head. But what happened then? I try to sit up, but the tubes in my arm won't let me. The door gets pushed open, and in walks... Damien.

He freezes when he sees me. And then, he cries. He slides down the door and just cries. "I thought–" he chokes out, and his voice breaks again.

"Damien," I sob. "I'm okay. Come here." I pat the place next to me on the small bed, and awkwardly he starts to get up.

"Hi," he croaks out as he lies down next to me. He kisses my temple, and his whole body shakes as he tries to control his breathing.

"I can't imagine my life without you. I can't live without you. I can't.. I can't –"

"I'm okay. I'm okay. I love you, and I'm here."

"I was so scared. I thought you wouldn't... I thought you'd never wake up again. I'm going to get the doctor for you, okay?"

"Damien," I say, as he begins to caress my cheek. "Why are you not looking at me?"

Still, he's avoiding my gaze. "I'm going to get a doctor."

"Tell me what happened. I can't remember anything after Finn..." He winces at the sound of his name. "Damien," I begin to panic. "Is he okay?"

"Noelle, I need you to calm down. I... I'm going to get a doctor."

"Is he okay?" I scream. Then he finally faces me. The look on his face – he doesn't need to say anything. "I want to see him," I manage to say.

"Noelle." A knock on the door makes us both look up.

"Oh, I see you've woken up, Mrs. Warren," the doctor says.

"I want to see Finn," I say again. "Please let me." I look at him and Damien, but they don't bother to help me out of the bed. "I'm going to rip these out myself if you won't fucking help me," I threaten.

"I need to conduct a few tests before–"

"Tell me what the fuck is going on," I cough, and Damien rushes forward to give me some water.

"There are a few things we need to discuss. First, I have some good news."

"I don't want to hear it unless it has something to do with Finn."

"Mrs. Warren, don't you want to hear that everything is okay with you and your baby?"

"Baby?" Damien and I say in unison.

"You didn't knnow? I thought ..m My apologies ," the doctor says, clearly embarrassed. "You're three months pregnant." While all color has left Damien's face, I still can't comprehend what he just told us.

"No, I'm not." I shake my head, and Damien takes my hand. "I don't care," I say harshly, and Damien looks at me, shocked. "What about Andrew? What about Finn? Why is nobody talking to me?"

"Andrew... Andrew took his own life after he and–" Those words don't affect me in the slightest – I just want to know..." He shot Finn." No. As the words leave his mouth – I can hear them, but... No. This is not real. This is not happening.

"No," I say. "You're lying. You're lying. Stop. Lying." I begin to rip out the tubes in my arms and try to get out of the bed, but Damien and the doctor are holding me back. "Let go of me," I sob. "I need to see him. Please, Damien." I begin to shake uncontrollably.

"Okay," Damien gives in. "Okay, I'll go with you."

Damien pushes my wheelchair down the corridor; we're both not saying a word. "Noelle, about the baby–"

"I can't talk about this right now. I–"

"It's okay. I just want to tell you that... I'm going to love this baby." I press my eyes together and nod as my heart breaks a little more.

"Damien, but... Finn," I breathe out.

"I know." He turns until I'm facing the door. "We're here. I can go in with you–"

"No, I need to do this alone." He opens the door for me, and as I see Finn, I open my mouth, but no sound comes out.

When Damien positions me in front of Finn's bed, he kisses the top of my head and turns to leave. "I love you."

"I love you too. I'm outside if you need anything."

"Finn." I choke out as I see all the tubes and machines he's attached to. "What did I do to you? You saved me. All my life you were the one saving me over and over again. And now..." I reach out to take his cold hand in mine.

"Listen to me. You can't give up now. Not after everything we've been through. You need to fight. Do you hear me? You can't leave me now. I need more time with you, we need more time with you." I cover my belly with my hand, and for the first time, I envision a little baby – a miniature version of Damien playing with Finn. A little boy. "I'm having a baby, and this baby needs you – it needs its uncle. So you can't die. I simply won't allow you to fucking die. You hear me? Dying is not an option." I squeeze his lifeless hand. "Finn! Please, fight. Do it for Ben, for me, and for this baby. You're my family. I need time to make your life better, not worse. I can't shake the feeling that without me... Without me, your life would be so much better. I caused you nothing but pain, and I'm so sorry for that. I'm sorry for everything," I choke out. "I love you so much," I say repeatedly. A choking noise emerges from his pale lips, and I attempt to get up.

"Finn," I scream. "Damien, get a doctor," I scream again. "Damien!" More horrifying sounds emanate from his body, and on trembling legs, I try to rise. "Finn, please," I sob.

Doctors and nurses rush into the room and push me aside. "Miss, you need to leave now." "I can't. What's wrong with him? Please, don't let him die. Oh God, please," I cry out as Damien pulls me against his chest.

"Noelle, we have to go."

"No!" I scream and try to break free from his embrace. "Let go of me. What are they doing to him? What are you doing to my best friend?"

"Noelle, please," Damien pleads.

Peeeeeeeeep.

"What are you doing?" I scream at the doctor who removes the tube from Finn's throat. "Save him! You have to save him!"

Peeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.

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thanks for reading xx