Let Yourself Fall

thirty-four

Noelle

"And are you really sure you don't want me to stay at home with you? I don't know, Noelle. I really don't have a good feeling about leaving you here," he says again as I walk him to the front door.

"I just need a little time to myself. I love you, but I just need this day, okay?" He looks at me uncertainly, but he doesn't push me into agreeing with him.

"Okay," he sighs and leans forward to kiss me one last time. "If you need anything, call me, and I'll be home in 30 minutes."

"I'll be fine. Just go, and I'll see you later." "And Noelle, I'm going to find out who followed you."

 "I know."

After closing the door behind him, I rest my forehead against it, and silent tears start to stream down my face. I don't know what to feel. I walk back to the living room and grab the phone.

"Hey Finn," I whisper. "I know you have to work and stuff–" My voice breaks mid-sentence, and I clear my throat. "But could you please come over? I just sent Damien to work, but I really don't want to be alone right now, and–"

"Noelle, what's wrong?"

"My mom is dead."

"Oh God, Noni, I'm so sorry, and don't worry – I'm on my way."

"Thank you." I manage to say before I let myself sink down to the floor. Damn it. I don't want to cry. I don't want to feel sorry for her.

But here I am doing just that. She doesn't deserve this.

I open the door, and there he is. The one person who has been there for me all my life. The one person who went with me through hell but never left my side.

"Hey, gorgeous." He lifts his right arm.

"In this bag, we have ice cream, every freaking flavor they had." And then his left. "And in this one: chocolate and chips." I start to grin and half cry as I lean forward to hug him.

"You're the best."

"Shh." He begins to stroke my back. "It's okay. I'm here, and everything is going to be okay."

"Thank you so much for being here. Come on in." I lead him back inside and let myself fall on the couch, Finn right next to me.

"What happened?" he asks as he hands me the first cup of ice cream. That man does know me well.

I open it and start to eat. "Ed caused a car accident three years ago. Mom and Ashton died, and he went to jail."

"That's... Fuck, that's a lot."

"You know, it doesn't feel like I've lost her. I'm not upset because my mother died. I'm just so angry at her. Angry that she practically killed herself – she chose her murderer over me. That's maybe a pretty twisted and fucked-up thing to think, but I can't help it. And then I feel sorry for her, sorry that she was so desperate for love. Love was her ruin. It's so sad."

"It was over with her the day your dad died. She just didn't get her life back together. I'm not gonna tell you that I'm sorry that she died – I despise that woman. She was never there for you, she let you walk through hell and watched you suffer. I could never feel sorry for her. But I'm sorry that even today, her choices cause you so much pain. You don't deserve this."

I shrug. "But there is more... I only found out about Ed because Damien tried to find out who keeps calling me. You know the weird calls I've been getting for a while? I told him, and he immediately thought it's Ed." I leave out the part where a car has been following him – I already feel bad enough that I'm bothering him with all of this.