Breakup Helpline [#2 of the Helpline Trilogy]

3: 13 p.m

"What do you want, Franklin?"

"Phase 3 still isn't working."

"How could you be stuck in Phase 2 for so long? Nobody can eat kit-kat bars for that long."

"I think I broke the record."

"Jesus, Franklin. You are a mess. Okay, I'm going to kick you hard in the ass straight into Phase 3."

"Um, I rather not go through any pain."

"I meant metaphorically, dumbass. Though if I were to take you, you better fuckin' watch out, you understand? Get to my level, bruh."

"...whatever. So how do you plan to quote on quote 'kick me hard in the ass straight into Phase 3'?"

"Okay, so pretend that I'm a guy. Your beer bud. Your...uh...wingman! Your bro! Like, uh, we're two totally straight dudes who are going to go to a bar to talk some girls up, drink beer and watch football!"

"What guys have you been hanging around with? Forty-year-old men?"

"What? Guys don't do that?"

"I'm in high school! I can't go to a bar. And we don't talk like that."

"Okay, so pretend I'm one of your friends-"

"Damien?"

"Yeah, whatever. And I'm trying to get you laid. What would be the usual scenario?"

"Uh...go to a house party, I guess? But she would be there too. That's kind of her scene."

"Figures. And what would...um..."

"Damien?"

"Yeah, that guy do to try to get you laid?"

"I don't know? God, this is so awkward."

"Yeah, no shit. So what would your flirt routine be?"

"I would go up and say hi? I told you. I'm a casual person."

"Casual sex person? Damn, your cred just leveled, man."

"No, I mean I don't do suave little hair flicks or cliche one-liners to get girls to take off their pants. I just talk about stuff to them and if they want to and I want to, yeah sure. And besides, sex couldn't take my mind off Tiffany. I had sex yesterday and it didn't work. Every time I'm about to-"

"It's great that you're confiding me but I don't need the details of your sexy times because I have an avid enough imagination, believe me. And seriously, your ex is named Tiffany? Could she sound even more basic?"

"Your name's Serena."

"Yeah, I don't know what my mother was thinking so I'm planning to change it to, like, Clint Eastwood or something."

"You're weird."

"Better get used to it, Franklin."

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