Breakup Helpline [#2 of the Helpline Trilogy]

1: 26 p.m

"Hello, this is the Breakup-"

"It's me, Theo."

"Ah, Franklin."

"Quit with the nicknames."

"Quit with calling here." 

"What you want me to go?"

"No! I was just joking, jeez."

"So..."

"So?"

"Um, the whole breakup process that you're supposed to help with?" 

"Right! Okay, so you found your girlfriend cheating on you with your best friend? What happens afterwards? 

"Well, I just remember screaming a lot. Shouting. I was just so angry, overwhelmed- then I just had to get out of there. I couldn't look at him, couldn't look at her. I called Damien and explained to him what happen before I did anything stupid. I just wanted to punch something so badly- and he said he could get me some help, direction, then I called you." 

"Well, has your girlfriend tried contacting you?"

"Yeah, she has. I didn't answer. Left me lots of voicemail.  I didn't listen. I don't want to hear her voice."

"That's good news. So a breakup, most importantly a breakup that ended badly, is kind of like a mess. First, you need to clean shit up. You need to clean the crap out of your life- like your crappy girlfriend and your best friend so you remove them from your contacts."

"Like-"

"Block them on Facebook, delete their number, delete their snapchat, unfollow them on Instagram so there won't be any drunken calls on lonely Friday nights or-"

"Yeah, right." 

"Hey, you never know! Okay. A few vodka shots in and before you know it, you could be screwing your cousin."

"I hope to God you're not speaking from experience."

"Well, not cousin..."

"OH MY GOD."

"Got'cha! God, Franklin, you're so gullible."

"Your laugh sounds weird on the phone." 

"That's because it's the sound of the devil laughing. Anyway, moving on, after you've cut them out, it's time for Phase 2: Crying, eating ice cream, eating Nutella out of the bowl, watching the Notebook and throwing soiled tissues at the screen while screaming 'he'll just leave you anyway!'" 

"Oh, please that's for chicks. I deal with breakups the manly way."

"Yeah, right. The manly part for guys only comes till Phase 3. It's no secret that you guys eat the ice cream out of the tub too." 

"Whatever." 

"Defeat admitted! Hah, FATALITY!"

"..." 

"What? I was on a Mortal Kombat hype. Ahem, back to the point.Then come Phase 3, also known as my favourite part. It's where you would do anything to take your mind off wanting to screw your ex so you screw other people- mindlessly."

"I'm not a player if that's what you're insinuating." 

"What do you mean? Is it because you think you're ugly? Ugly people can have sex too. Why do you think there are so many ugly people? One ugly person for another ugly person."

"Wow, there is a special place in hell for you."

"Yeah, it's called the throne." 

"That's my spot."

"Oh really? Because you're going to need to wrestle it out of my bare hands, bitch."

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