Winning the Lottery

Ch. 39 Not Broken, Just Bent

*** WARNING: Self-harm content. May be a trigger. Read at your own risk. ***

Two days later, I still couldn't sleep. I sat up in bed and curled my legs up to my chest. I remembered the last time I felt that awful.

I had just gotten home from the hospital after Tyler died. Nick wouldn't even look at me. I was so alone, I went into our bathroom and looked through the cabinets. We didn't have medication, but we had razor blades.

I had needed physical pain to make the heartache go away. I needed to drown out the loneliness. It wasn't a way to die. It was a way to find relief.

I ran my hands down my legs as I contemplated what to do. I needed a way to fight the pain, but was that the answer? Would it help this kind of heartache?

I got up and went to the restroom. I was quiet, because Lou and George were still awake. Diane and Adam were in the living room. No one could know I was awake.

I grabbed a razor and made my way back to my room. I closed the door and broke the razor apart, looking at the three blades in front of me. They were sharp as scalpels. Scalpels made everything better.

I grabbed one and laid in bed. I took my pants off. If I was going to find relief, I needed to find it in a place my patients wouldn't see.

As I drove the blade across my skin, beads of blood began to trickle to the surface.

I gasped, overcome with relief, but I still couldn't breathe. I'd not been able to breathe without Jake.

Jake.

I ran the blade across my skin a couple more times, feeling the urge, letting all the hurt go. I needed to clear my mind. I needed this.

I quickly did it to the other thigh, watching as the beading blood ran distally to where they started. I threw my head back and sighed.

When the dawn broke, my thighs were a bloody mess. I got up and wiped them down with baby wipes, which stung like a bitch, but I couldn't risk people finding out.

I hid the blades in the drawer of my desk and changed into scrubs. I did my hair and makeup and put my tennis shoes on.

Lou handed me a cup of coffee and smiled, "Hey, dear. How are you this morning?"

"Fine," I spoke. "I'm running late."

He nodded.

I followed Adam and Diane out the door.

He drove us to the hospital, not saying a word.

When we got there, I got out and clocked in. Then, I did my rounds. I found myself doing paperwork.

When I needed a break, I went to buy a cup of coffee, but I ran into someone. I looked up. Jake.

He froze. "Hey."

"Hi."

"Can I get you a coffee?"

I hesitated.

"It's just coffee."

"Sure," I sighed.

My legs stung. Even they knew that I had to feel relief from this, from him.

Jake handed me a coffee and took a drink of his own. "Are you headed upstairs?"

"Yeah."

"I'll walk with you."

I nodded and turned around.

We walked to the elevator and got in. He pressed the button for the psych floor and I pressed the button for the oncology floor.

"I thought you were getting off the cancer floor."