Mediocre

Attempt #3

CALUM'S P.O.V TRIGGER WARNING.

I was sitting in math with my mind on one thing.

dying.

I opened my pencil bag to see a pencil sharpener and a light grew in my eyes. Since I couldn't sneak pills into school the only way out was to slit my arms so deep that hopefully I loose enough blood to end my life. "Excuse me Mrs. H, can I use the bathroom?"

"Can you? .... just kidding go ahead. but make it quick Mr. Hood" she replied.

As I trailed out I looked at all of the people I had strong feelings for, even Cassia. I don't know if they could tell something was wrong but I hope not. My worst nightmare is to be found laying on the bathroom floor drenched in my own cold blood. But, that is what has to happen. I open the bathroom door and check to see if anyone is in. The bathroom seems empty, there is a slight chill in the air. I look at my face in the mirror and realize if i really did have a reason to be alive why would I have the urge to want to die all the time. I couldn't take it anymore , the gay jokes, the harassment, the beating, it was all getting too much. It's never going to get better. It will never be the same. Why am I alive. The only good dreams I have are the ones in which I am dying.

Countless tears began streaming down my cheeks that Luke used to call cute. What about Cassia, Luke, everyone. Mom, dad, Mali. What will they do? They will loose their minds... but so will I if I stay alive. Being alive is torturing me. Im breaking. I ran into the stall, put the seat down and grabbed my suicide letter and rolled it into a ball then threw it out of the bathroom. Shuffling through my bag I grabbed my the pencil sharpener and found a small screwdriver then twisted the razor part out.

I held it in my hands, the feeling of sadness overwhelmed me as I made the first deep cut. This one being horizontal, the next one not as deep but a streak vertically. A couple cuts later, I stared at the blood running down my arm and on to the tile floor. At this time i was bawling my eyes out. I heard footsteps enter the bathroom, in sheer panic I grab my things and made one last cut adding more blood to the puddle on the ground. Running out of the stall and into the hallway I felt my weak knees slam into the hard ground, as I recognize a girl screaming.

It was Cassia.

----Waking up was the hardest thing, especially in a hospital.

I wish It would have just ended. why the fuck am I awake. I open my eyes to see people surrounding me. I hear my mother gasp as she runs to hug me but Is stopped by a doctor telling her that I am not ready. I am lost. I look down at my wrists that are covered with cuts, I cant see anything that isnt covered my cuts. I don't remember what happened, all I can remember is seeing Cassia. Where is Luke, Where is Cass, Where is everyone. I want to see them. Now. ' Doctor," no response. "Doctor?" still nothing. "Doctor!" I see a nurse rush in. " Please let me see my family and friends." " Ok "

I see Mali run in with makeup running down her face. "Cal! why? I love you. Please don't do this to yourself anymore." She sobs in my shoulder.Thoughts ran threw my mind of why i am not strong, I thought I was supposed to be the strong one. I try as hard not to cry at this moment. " Mom." "Calum." I never wanted to see any of my family like this. This is the first time I have seen my dad cry, I can't help but cry too.

After family hours I see Luke and Cassia run into the room and right by my side. " Calum, I love you. Yes, still. Please, stop hurting yourse-" I could tell she was trying to hold back tears but then it all spilled out. "Calum, why. Please, I am here for you and I love you and always will. I know it has been hard these past couple months, baby- plea- be stro-" Luke also breaking out into tears made me do the same.

After everyone left I just lay in my hospital bed, thinking about the past current events. Trying to remember.