Invisible

LAST RESORT

NOW, WHY WOULD I DO THAT?

I watch the reflection, eyes staring upon me. It’s making me sick. Her eyes are making me sick…

Why would I get rid of the one thing that’s ruining my daughter?

The girl in my reflection… Her thoughts are confusing with mine, almost to the point where everything is unbelievable.

Do you really think she’s worth that?

I stare at my wrist, start to remember what happened the day Jeremy threatened to do this to someone else, to put them through what I had to deal with.

What I still have to deal with.

I took a piece of glass from the mirror, slid down to the floor.

I start imagining myself doing this again, the blade hitting my wrist, the thrill of it pulling back.

Two perfect lines soon ran across my arm, blood drooling down to my fingers, dripping onto the floor.

I see the blood I crave dripping onto the floor, my wrist cut open and letting my blood pour out. I’m smiling.

I wanted out. I wanted to be freed of this.

And now I’m wondering what it would really be like if I were dead.

For good.

And I realize that’s what I want.

I grab my razors as I rush out of my bathroom, head for my bedroom door.

“You should really learn to keep your mouth shut,” Jeremy says as he walks through the door, right before I have the chance to make it through myself. I freeze, back away from him.

“Doesn’t matter,” I whisper, “you have him wrapped around your finger anyway.”

“Yeah, but I should have you too. But with you pulling this bullshit every fucking five minutes, it’s apparent that I don’t.”

“Jeremy, what is it that you want?”

He smirks, laughs. “You know what I want.”

I sigh, walk toward my bed and wait for him to follow me. Then he pushes me down and falls on top of me. I’m waiting for it to be over, my eyes closed the entire time. It lasts at least for an hour, my mind counting every second in my head. Then he’s off of me, walking out of my bedroom, closing the door as he leaves. I lie on my bed, my hands trembling as hold them near my chest, press one of them to my heart.

It’s still beating.

Damn it, it’s still beating, and I don’t understand why.

I stand up, my eyes wandering, fogging up as if I’m unconscious. Then I’m walking out of my bedroom, downstairs, outside. Mark’s car is parked in the same place, he and his neighbor standing on their porch next door. I don’t know why I thought he’d be there whenever Jeremy would do something to me, whenever anyone did anything to me…

Whenever a daughter needed her father… I guess he’s just left me to choke on whatever’s left of my life, moving on with his in an egocentric way. My mother never existed, I was never his daughter.

None of this is real in his eyes.

I walk past him, concentrate on the sidewalk as I make my way down the street.

He pushed me onto my bed…

My body feels filthy, the hands that build me up breaking me down. I always thought I could handle Jeremy if just thought of Anna or Michelle, if I just lived for my mother and…

…fell on top of me.

I waited for it to be over, my eyes closed the entire time.

That’s really all I had to live for.