Invisible

I'M LUCKY

I LIED ON MY BED FOR ABOUT AN HOUR, my face still pressed into my pillow. I wanted so badly to suffocate myself, but it seemed like no matter how hard I pressed down, how much I tried to breathe, it wouldn’t work.

His body was pressing onto me.

I screamed, bit the pillow so no one would hear me. Someone did, apparently. I felt someone’s hand on my shoulder and I knew whose it was. His hand slid up to my hair, yanked me up. I faced the monster, his eyes tearing me down and trying to choke me. I opened my mouth to scream, to let out exactly what I knew was going to happen. His hand quickly grasps my throat and starts to choke me. He moves closer to my face, his lips moving against mine.

“Do you really think the shit you pulled was a good idea?” he whispered, “You really thought you could get away with that?” He laughed softly, tightened his grip. “You thought wrong. You must have forgotten how many other girls would appreciate me. Anna and Michelle would be so lucky to have me, you know. But I have you, and that’s fine.”

Tears fell again, and he wiped them away, kissed me as he let me go. He threatened to move on to someone else, someone I actually care about.

“Get dressed,” he says as he pulls away, “I need to show you something.” I sat still and watched him walk toward the door. Instead of opening it and leaving, he turned toward me.

“So, you think I’m joking?” he said, “I’d be more than happy to call Anna right now and show her what I’m talking about.”

I stood up, walked into the bathroom.

“No, no time to take a shower,” he continued, “get dressed and meet me downstairs.” He then opened the door, walked out into the hallway. I started crumbling as I stared at my reflection. That was the first time I’d ever seen myself that way, the first time I’d looked that messed up. Naturally, the first time a girl’s raped, I think she’d look like I did. My eyes were missing, and I don’t remember seeing myself anymore. All I saw was glass, the linen cabinet behind me, rape written all over where my body was supposed to be.

“Emma!” Jeremy called from downstairs. I pulled my shirt over my head, walked back into my bedroom. I pulled a pair of shorts out of my closet, quickly put them on. Then I walked downstairs, toward Jeremy as he waited by the front door.

“I thought I told you to stay upstairs,” Mark spat as he walked into the foyer. Jeremy stared at him.

“We talked about it, Mark,” he said, “She told me what was going on and I forgave her. She’s just having a little trouble coping with Jessie and her mother, that’s all.” He smiles at me as he opens the front door. “Come on, Emma. The movie starts in an hour.”

He brought my mother into it… He blamed my mother for me telling someone I was raped. To this day, I still can’t explain how I felt as I walked past him, outside toward his Jeep. He helped me climb in, his hand tracing my thigh as he did. My head throbbed as he slammed the door, climbed into the driver’s seat.

“Where are you taking me?” I asked, my voice cracking constantly, scaring me even more. It might make him want to do more, just the fact that I’m afraid of him. He smirked as he turned on the engine.

“You’ll see,” he said.

<><><>

The truck stopped. I looked around, a wooded area I remember driving past once. When I was four, we moved into this neighborhood. I remember my mother getting lost trying to find her way to our house, how we passed this place trying to find it.

“Get out,” he said, and at that moment I felt extremely uncomfortable. He took me to an isolated area where no one would see or hear me if anything were to happen.

Who wouldn’t feel uncomfortable about that?

I stepped out of the Jeep, watched him as he walked deeper into the woods. My heart started racing.

“Come on,” he said, “I don’t have all day.”

I followed him, and once we were deep inside he stopped, turned toward me.

“Come here,” he demanded. I stood still for a moment before I slowly made my way toward him. He stared at me as he jerked me toward him, pushed me against one of the trees. Then he kissed me again, the same sick feeling I had the night before. When he pulled away from me, he bit his lip, tangled his fingers into my hair.

“Look at me,” he said. I did. “Tell me you love me.”

I fixed my mouth to form the words, and I wondered why my throat would allow those words to come out but whenever I thought about telling anyone he raped me…

I tried to scream, but he covered my mouth…

“Tell me you don’t love him anymore,” he continued. He said his name, and tears came pouring out again.

“Jeremy, please—” Another sharp grip on my throat, my lungs struggling for air.

“Say it.”

“…I… I don’t love him anymore.”

He hit my head against the tree. “Say it and mean it.”

“I don’t,” I managed.

His eyes grew frustrated, and then something snapped. Bark met my face, his fists, leaves, dirt, everything hit me. He’d pull my hair until I’d scream.

“Yeah, keep screaming,” he said, sarcasm hidden deep, “Keep screaming, tell Anna to do the same.”

Then my throat blocked, pain growing deep, so much of it I couldn’t scream anymore. He would kick me in places no one would think to look, my stomach, my sides…

It was clear that he might have done it before.

He grasped my arms, pulled me up. “Say it.”

I thought of all of his flaws, the things I really couldn’t stand. How well he did in math when I never stood a chance with it, how we were probably going to end up in different colleges, how much the fact that I loved him is causing the end of me. I closed my eyes.

“I don’t love him anymore,” I said, “and I never will again.”

He smirked, looked down. "Give it to me."

I stared at him. "What?"

"You know what I want."

I followed his gaze, toward my wrist. My eyes widened.

"Jeremy, please don't-"

"You said you don't love him anymore, so you lied." He stepped toward me. "I don't like it when people lie, Emma."

I touched the bracelet that was wrapped around my wrist, the same one he gave me after my mother died.

Keep it. That way, whenever you think about her, you'll have something to cheer you up.

I took it off of my wrist, handed it to him. He stuck it into his pocket as he took my hand, led me back to his truck. He sat me in the backseat, told me to lie back. When I did, he was on top of me again, his hands threatening to cause more pain than he already had before.

“Let me tell you something,” he said, his hands tugging at my shorts, “you can tell as many lies on me as you want. Just remember you’re not the only girl I could do this with.”

“How was it a lie?” I asked, “You did rape—”

His fist crashed into my chest, causing my lungs to close. I couldn’t breathe, and he said, “It’s not rape if you let it happen. Understand?” He pulled my shorts off, kissed me again. “You know, any girl would be lucky to have me instead of him. I don’t know why you don’t see that.”

Yeah… Anyone would be lucky to have a monster.

Lucky me.