a forever type of love

compromise

the uncertainty of my future played on my mind constantly over the next few days

the routine was pretty much the same, leah would arrive early in the morning with breakfast and stay all day

the girls would visit often, especially beth, viv and katie who made an appearance at my side every day

most of the time i was either sleeping or very drowsy due to the harsh medication i was taking but that didn't stop leah from staying

i think i'd been in hospital for just over a week now and the only thing i wanted to do was play football

leah had taken some time off to spend with me but i needed her to go back, for me

"le you have to go back to training" i insisted

"no alex i'm staying here" she said

"leah come on, you can't be by my side every second of everyday" i said

a frown formed on her face

"why not" she said

"because i said so" i replied

she folded her arms across her chest

"how about this, you go to training and then you can come and see me for the rest of the day" i said, meeting her in the middle

she looked around the room, thinking about my proposal

after going back and fourth about it, she finally gave in and compromised with me

a smug look grew on my face

she spent the rest of the day by my side until it was dark outside

"i better go baby" she said sadly

"i'll see you tomorrow, after training" i said with a smile on my face

"i love you baby" she whispered as she placed her lips gently against mine

"i love you too bubs" i responded before pulling her back in for one last kiss

kissing her will never not give me butterflies

she gathered her things and headed home, leaving me alone with my thoughts

the one thing about me is i always keep myself distracted to avoid overthinking about my problems. football was my key to distraction and it allowed me to express my emotions without having to speak about them. but now the key has been lost and i'm left with nothing but the stupid padlock full of emotions that i can't release

laying in the same bed for days felt abnormal, i was always on the go and now i've been stripped of my independence

my mind raced from memory to memory. my fathers passing, leah and i's very first conversation, my blackouts and finally the car crash

all 4 memories shining above the others, indicating a huge significance in my life

the emotion filled memories piled up in my brain, resulting in me feeling very overwhelmed

i never spoke to anyone about my feelings, ever. i was more of a 'get up and get on with it' type of person but in my case i had no choice but to face the demons hovering around in my mind

i always presented myself as this strong, put-together person but realistically i was this vulnerable and broken little girl that nobody saw or noticed

sometimes i was so good at masking my emotions, i even convinced myself that i was okay

as the thoughts scurried through my brain, i laid in my uncomfortable hospital bed staring up at the ceiling

tears trickled down my face as conversations played over and over in my head

the emotions id kept hidden for so long were finally shining through. i cried like i'd never cried before to the point i felt numb

the numbness consumed me, i felt absolutely nothing

after a long while of staring at the ceiling above me, my eyes closed and i drifted off to sleep

i woke up in the morning with my head throbbing, clearly due to my breakdown the night before. my eyes were puffy with rings of dark circles hanging below

nurses came in and out as normal throughout the morning

it felt weird not having leah by my side. by now, she would be marching her way through the door with her beautiful smile and holding 2 cups of coffee and breakfast for us both

as weird as it felt, i was so glad she agreed to go back to living normally. i felt like such a burden with her spending her days in this claustrophobic room with me

i reached for my phone that the nurses gave me once i was conscious a few days ago

the first thing i did when they first gave me my phone was call rachel

leah tried to get them to release my phone to her whilst i was unconscious so she could inform rachel about my accident, but they said it was confidential and they weren't allowed to

rach hasn't been able to come and visit as it's so far from where she lives. plus she's been having intense training and games and she's been spending all of her free time with guro

i don't blame her though, being a footballer means your schedule is so tight that it's hard to drop everything and do something that's not planned at least a week in advance

she has been calling me every day though which i really appreciate. she's been begging me for updates about my situation as well as any gossip to do with leah

we've planned our double date but it's whether or not i'll be out of the hospital in time

after the brisk phone call with rach, i scrolled through tiktok in hope that someone would visit me soon

staying in the same room constantly was driving me insane, there was only so many times you could count the squares on the ceiling

as i scrolled through tiktok, twinges shocked through my entire body causing me to wince in pain

it happened again and again as i tried to sit up

i focused my eyes as the twinges happened to try and locate the source

it happened once more and i found where it was coming from

it was my leg

the leg that had been numb for days

the leg that i might not ever get feeling back out of again

the leg i can fucking feel and it's killing me