A prayer diary of someone going through a prayer crisis

December 4th, 2023 - Monday

Last night and today, I ate sugar. I'll be honest.

Yesterday, I was furious because a simple prayer that wasn't answered. Now that I'm writing this, it seems ridiculous, but I did a test like the tests George Muller used to do. At various times, he knew that if he asked people for donations, they would give to help the orphans, but George decided to wait on God and ask only Him, and He provided everything as it's written in the book.

So, I decided to pray for God to give me a specific food. Like the brother who came to my house asked that time. This account is from November 1st. Yesterday I didn't go to church. My family did. They went out to eat. My parents went to one place and my sister to another. I was hungry at night and prayed for them to bring something I liked. Guess what happened? Nothing. So I got angry and ate some sugary things my father brought on Saturday.

Despite seeming ridiculous, I hope you understand, reader, that it's not the specific thing I asked for that made me angry. It's not being attended to/answered/heard ever. It's a horrible feeling of abandonment that I feel.

I'm disheartened. I don't think this fast will have any effect. It's been three months that I've been doing it, but since August I've been on this purpose and even before that. I had started reading the Bible in May. It's practically the whole year seeking God everyday and not just this year. In reality, I've spent my entire life seeking God. I dedicated my childhood, adolescence, and youth to Him. It seems like God doesn't care about me.

Today, my parents went to an event at their church. I asked my father to bring the food I had asked God for yesterday. And my father not only brought it, but also brought other things besides what I asked for. See? It seems I have a physical father but not a spiritual one.

Tomorrow I'll continue the fast, but only because I hate to break what I said. Let these days that I ate sugar be like that week when I said I would take a break.

I don't want to write this diary anymore. I'm full of it. I think I'll only write on the 23rd and that's it.There are some things I still need to write. It seems like I need to write something that I started the other day. I don't remember. I'll check and finish this.