The angel I ruined. (Castiel x male reader OC |NSFW|)

Chapter 5: "Angel of Doubt"

After dedicating much of the previous night to contemplating Dean and Sam's revelations, I made the decision to give them a chance while maintaining a critical perspective. I resolved to question my friends thoroughly and demand proof for their claims, without allowing myself to become overly invested in their beliefs.

As I made my way to visit my patients, thoughts of their disclosure lingered in my mind. I admired their openness and honesty, yet the absurdity of their convictions couldn't escape me.

Today, luck was on my side as I had a relatively easy shift with only two routine surgeries. After completing my tasks, I checked on Sam once more, finding him peacefully asleep. Dean was absent, but Castiel, who claims to be an angel, was faithfully keeping watch over him. This presented the perfect opportunity for me to initiate a conversation and pose some probing questions.

"Hey, Castiel, I've been reflecting on what you mentioned earlier. So, you're an angel, correct? I'm struggling to comprehend why omnipotent beings like you and your angelic companions haven't done more to protect humanity. Throughout history, we've endured famines, evils, sickness, and wars. Where were the angels during those dark times? Shouldn't you all be taking better care of us?" I asked earnestly, maintaining a serious expression while Castiel appeared eager to respond.

"Joe, I understand your frustration and confusion, but your arrogance blinds you to the complexities of the situation. As an angel, I have specific duties and limitations. It is not my role to micromanage every aspect of human existence or prevent every hardship that befalls humanity. We respect the concept of free will, and it is not our place to interfere with it," Castiel replied. However, his response failed to satisfy my concerns.

"So, angels are conveniently absent whenever humanity truly needs help. It's ironic how you claim to be divine beings, yet you are nowhere to be found when things go awry. From my perspective, it appears the angels have been performing rather poorly," I retorted, feeling somewhat frustrated by his claims.

"Your ignorance is astonishing, Joe. We have been present throughout history, offering guidance and assistance wherever possible. However, the choices and actions of humanity play a significant role in shaping their own destinies. We cannot be held accountable for every decision made by individuals or the resulting consequences," Castiel explained, displaying visible frustration. However, his mention of guidance puzzled me, as I had witnessed no tangible angelic intervention.

"Well, it's challenging to have faith in angels or a supposedly loving God when we witness so much suffering in the world. If you possess the power to help, why don't you utilize it? Or is it simply that you lack sufficient concern?" I voiced, reaching a point where I no longer cared if my remarks annoyed him. I merely aimed to express my thoughts honestly.

"Your arrogance and lack of understanding are truly remarkable, Joe. We genuinely care, but we also recognize that true growth and resilience often emerge from overcoming challenges. We provide guidance and support, yet it is up to humans to assume responsibility and make choices that shape their own paths. Dictating every aspect of human existence is not our purpose," Castiel replied, his words tinged with a sense of pride in his role. Nevertheless, my skepticism remained, as I had never personally witnessed any significant angelic intervention, making it challenging to grasp his meaning.

"It's ironic how you angels always emphasize free will and human choices, yet you conveniently employ that as an excuse to evade taking real action. Perhaps you are simply afraid to confront the genuine problems plaguing the world," I countered, knowing he wouldn't appreciate my response, but believing it to be true.

"Your audacious assumptions have no basis, Joe. You fail to comprehend the intricacies of our role and the limitations we confront. We operate within the boundaries established for us. It's effortless for you to criticize from your narrow perspective, but perhaps it's time for you to reflect on your own conceit and acknowledge the vastness of the world beyond your understanding." Was he also irritated with me? I couldn't fathom. Nonetheless, he didn't miss the opportunity to label me as arrogant once again. His demeanor seemed somewhat smug?

"Whatever, Castiel. It remains exceedingly difficult for me to believe in angels or a higher power that permits such vast pain and suffering. Perhaps it's all just a myth or a convenient means for people to cope with life's harsh realities." I merely express the truth, or at least the truth that many humans experience.

"Your narrow-mindedness and arrogance obstruct your ability to perceive the bigger picture, Joe. Faith and belief necessitate a willingness to embrace the unknown and have trust in something greater." He stated, but it mattered little to me. His responses weren't what I had anticipated. It seemed as if he was making excuses.

"Does God possess the will to prevent evil but lacks the ability to do so? In that case, God cannot be regarded as omnipotent. Or is it that God possesses the power but chooses not to intervene? Then God cannot be considered entirely good. If God has both the will and the power to stop evil, then the question arises: where does evil originate from? Alternatively, if God lacks both the will and the power, then why do we refer to God as a deity at all?" I came across this profound insight in the writings of an ancient Greek philosopher, and it greatly influenced my beliefs. I was aware that sharing this perspective would put Castiel in a difficult position.

In response, Castiel explained that even the angels themselves are unaware of the will of God. If the angels themselves cannot comprehend the ways in which God acts, then how can we expect mere humans to grasp it?

This exchange left me with a sense of unease, and I found myself with more questions than answers. Castiel's responses failed to provide the satisfaction I sought. I couldn't help but wonder how he could be so steadfast in his loyalty to God when he himself lacked understanding of God's motives. From my perspective, God appeared distant, and if indeed God exists, it seemed clear that there was little concern for humanity. It felt as though we had been left to navigate on autopilot, and as a result, I couldn't find it within me to hold any reverence for such a deity.

Castiel's POV:

The conversation I just had with Joe left me with a mix of emotions. While a part of me is frustrated by his skepticism and dismissive attitude, another part of me can't help but feel a twinge of doubt and concern. Joe's words have struck a chord within me, making me question if my beliefs and convictions are indeed justified.

His questioning of the angels' role in the face of human suffering has made me pause and reflect. Am I truly doing enough to protect and guide humanity? Are we angels truly making a significant difference, or are we merely observers to the trials and tribulations of human existence? Joe's skepticism lingers in my mind, causing me to wonder if there is some truth in his doubts.

The idea that God may appear distant and indifferent is one that troubles me deeply. Have I been blind to the pain and suffering that humans endure? Could it be that there is more to the divine plan that I have yet to understand?

I find myself torn between my loyalty to God and my desire to comprehend the purpose behind the hardships that humans face. Perhaps there is room for growth and introspection within my own beliefs. Maybe I need to reassess my understanding of our role and the extent of our impact.

Regardless of my doubts, I know that I must remain steadfast in my mission and continue to fulfill my duty as an angel. It is my responsibility to offer guidance and support, even in the face of uncertainty. Perhaps through this journey of self-reflection and Joe's challenging questions, I will find a renewed sense of purpose and reaffirmation in my beliefs.