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Dear Syair,
I would say son, but I know I don't have the right to call you that. I honestly don't know where to start, but I guess I'll start by saying I'm sorry. I'm sorry for all the pain I caused, I'm sorry for the neglect, the abandonment and most importantly I'm sorry for leaving you. No excuse in the world can justify my actions, because in reality there's no possible excuse to excuse what I did. All I can do is admit that I'm wrong and go on about my day.
When your grandfather asked was I feeling guilty cause I had married and had more kids, I couldn't do nothing but cry. Because he was telling the truth, but the guilt had been eating away at me long before I had your siblings. There was not a day that went by that I didn't think of you. They say live life with no regrets, but I regret leaving you everyday.
I know there's absolutely nothing I can say to make things right. Honestly? I feel like this letter is a waste because I don't know what to say. I really don't. I don't even wanna say why l left. I can't say why I left because it's embarrassing. I know saying "sorry" won't excuse the fact that I left you but I'm sorry Semajé...
At that point I had stopped reading. I balled the letter up and threw it because she wasn't making any sense. On Jesus she could have kept that to herself. Can't even be woman enough to say why she left me. Dawg, I wish she would've just stayed away because now I'm feeling a wind of emotions and I don't like that. Like damn! I was doing fine without her and I'm going to continue. I stood up and adjusted my shorts before sliding my feet into my house shoes. I pulled my room door open and walked out shaking my head once I heard the sound of Mickey Mouse along with stank's yelling.
I stopped by Paw's room and made sure he was okay before heading to the front. I made my way to the living room and smiled. It was a big palette out on the floor with a bunch of my baby's toys. Sienna was laying on her stomach while Journi was sitting on her back.
"Journiiiiiiiiiii." I said her name in a singing tone and hid behind the wall. She whipped her head around looking for me.
"Dada?" She climbed off Sienna's back and started crawling looking for me. Her big butt needs to start walking. I hit the floor and starting crawling around to the opposite side. We were going in circles.
"Journiiiiiii." I said her name again which caused her to stop crawling. She was looking around and I snuck up behind her.
"Boo!"
"Ahh Dada nooo!"
I laughed and scooped her up as I brought my body up from the floor. I attacked her face and neck with raspberries along with kisses. She flew into a fit of giggles. Shaking my head as I made my way into the middle of the living room. I eased onto the floor and laid on my side up with my back against the couch. I propped my head up with my arm as JoJo laid back against my chest with her thumb in her mouth. Sienna reached up and grabbed the Polaroid from the tv stand before rolling over. She position the camera on her face and I showcased all thirty-two of my pearly white teeth. The smile that she is in love with.
"Syair, you know Christmas is coming up. What do you want?"
I licked my lips and shook my head. Don't even know why she asked me that knowing I'm going to give the same answer I give every year and she's going to do whatever she want anyway. "Nothing, just get Journi and Paw some stuff. I don't need nor want anything."
She rolled her eyes and I chuckled because I knew she had a attitude for no reason might I add. Because she's going to buy me something anyway. "Ya little attitude is cute."
"Stop talking to me. Jojo, you want a banana?"
Journi took her thumb out of her mouth and looked up at me before looking at Si. "Nana?"
Sienna nodded her head and stood up pulling her shorts down. I licked my lips because fat ma was on display. As she reached down to pick up Journi, I stuck my hand under and cuffed it making her jump. She smacked my hand.
"Syair gone before I fu—mess you up." She bucked at me and I threw my head back in laughter—removing my hand. I pulled her MacBook from under the couch and powered it on. Even though I got money saved up I still needed a job because money go quick and I need something to do, so I logged into my email account. Once I started browsing through, I shook my head out of frustration cause out of all the jobs I applied to they all said no.
Fuck you say you're hiring for and don't hire nobody? I hate people. I logged out and shut Sienna's MacBook before sliding it back under the couch. What am I going to do? I can't stay jobless forever. I am so accustom to working, that I need to work. This shit dumb, but I hope I find work fast. I need to find work fast but maybe this was God's way of telling me that I needed to sit down for minute, because I mean I have been working since I was 16. I just might listen to the man and enjoy some time with my baby.
"Dada I nana!"
I looked up and smiled as Sienna and Jojo made their way back into the living room. If Sienna and I progress into something more, I think I just might ask her does she want to adopt Journi. I'm already knowing the answer cause Jojo is practically hers. Si placed her in the playpen before walking my way. She sat on the floor and pulled my arm up before sticking her body under me.
She sniffed me and smiled in my face being goofy.
"You smell good." She mumbled into my chest.
I laughed and shook my head. My damn weirdo. "Thank you."
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