Forever & Always (Forever & Always #1) (boyxboy)

Another Door Opens

“Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings.” 

― Anaïs Nin

I must have passed out because the next thing I was waking up alone, in bed. The dim light in the bedroom made it hard to see. I looked over and saw that the curtains were closed over. I rolled onto my side. The ache in my arm and leg stopping me mid roll.

Slowly, everything came back to me. The trial. Chris being my biological father. Andrea's outburst in court... Andrea being murdered with a hammer in front of my very eyes.

It was strange for me to think of her like that. Ever more surprising was how I felt. Sad. Not something I had expected. I had not loved Andrea while she was alive... But now that she was dead. I did, I loved her, and it hurt to know she was gone.

The pain in my chest knocked the air out of my lungs. I was sad and I cried. My tears did not shock me as much as the feelings. I had never imaged getting upset over Andrea being dead. I never loved her before, now she was gone and I did.

Why now? Why do I chose now to love her? She's dead and she's never coming back and now I love her.

My head was all over the place. I could not concentrate on anything. Life was unfair and I knew this. I had known this for years and yet the truth hit me like a punch to the gut. My life had just gotten a whole lot more complicated. I hated life again.

A knock on the door brought me out of my trance.

"Can I talk to you for a minute?" Chris said as he pushed open the door. I could see he had been crying. His eyes were red raw.

"Sure. Come on in. Not like I have much else to do." I told him sadly. He closed the door and walked over to the bed, sitting down carefully.

"You know. I am just as shocked as you are. I never would have guessed you were my son, never. Although those comments I got should have made me suspicious." He smiled and I looked away.

"She was your mother Jesse. No matter what anyone says. She was your mother. Good or bad that does not change. Your grief is not shocking."

"Why do I love her now though? It's killing me!" I whimpered. "I never wanted to love her like this. I wanted her to love me back. I wanted us to be a proper family."

Something I never expected happened. He laughed. At first I thought he was laughing at me, but then I heard a kind of angry sound. It both confused and frightened me.

"Jesse, I can honestly tell you. You always loved her. It's who you are to be a good, screw that great kid. It can take things like death for us to realise how much we love people. Even the bad ones..."

Everything he had said made sense. But, it still felt strange. Could I have loved her? I asked myself that several times. Sometimes we need to be told something before we actually figure out the truth. That was the case with Andrea. I needed to be told it was okay to love her, because I didn't.

"I guess I loved her. I really didn't realise when I was younger. That's why I always believed I deserved it, because I didn't love her." I looked at Chris. His blue eyes sparkling slightly. "I always loved her."

He nodded and something passed between us. I had always wanted this kind of connection with someone. It was not what Noah and I shared. Or something I shared with mom or daddy. It was nothing to do with biology, it was to do with life experience. It was to do with being betrayed. Chris understood that.