Fading Away ✅

Chapter Forty-nine (Part one)

I flatten the lapels of my suit. Different emotions fill me but fear being the dominant one pries its head at me when I stare at my image in the mirror.

It taunts me, asking if I can do it, asking if I can face him for the first time after a year.

I move my trembling hand to my face to shift a stray hair behind my ear.

The words Dr. Claire suggested I say when I'm nervous or scared rise on my lips.

"In the face of fear, first and foremost, take a deep breath"

Every shuddering breath I let out is filled with a new sense of encouragement.

A smile replaces my once bleak expression and I notice the color in my cheeks, the black circles under my eye that look almost nonexistent, and my curly hair bouncing behind me.

My insomnia hasn't disappeared all of a sudden and neither have the nightmares but I'm learning to handle it.

I'm learning to take advantage of how my insomnia works. With Dr. Claire's help, the first thing I noticed was that my insomnia thrived in the quietness of the night; in silence and with no noise to invade my thoughts. The silence gave my thoughts a platform to work, processing worries and even things I shouldn't have said or done throughout the day so I started music therapy. I use music as a way of getting my needed sleep. It isn't a hundred percent job but with it, I get four to six hours of sleep which had never happened after everything.

The nightmares are no longer frequent as they were before. Knowing and facing the truth helped every second of the way. Whether it was from finding out Mr. Riz was arrested and was facing trial or gradually coming to terms that I was not the cause of Rose's death, everything seemed to gradually fall in place.

On days when the nightmares did come, I don't battle them alone, I choose not to battle them alone because mom's doors and arms are always open.

The voices are the hardest things to battle so far. Thoughts of insecurities and how I can never be accepted by anyone do not stop trying to break me down but these days I'm learning to not allow them to win,  I  am fighting this time.
Because no matter what I do, I've learned that the voices are a part of me and it's up to me to show who controls them.

Even as I currently stare at my reflection in the mirror, the voices are persistent.

You can't do it.

You will let him win like you always do.

I hear a knock on my hotel door and without waiting for a reply, Brandon enters.

"Are you ready?", he asks when he sees me.

Any snide comment I was about to make dies down at Brandon's supportive look.

"Ready as I'll ever be"
I turn to grab the charm bracelet from my table and put it on checking myself in the mirror again. I see Brandon's expression in the mirror and turn to face him.

"Are you sure you want to be there?"

"I told you I'll be there to support you and I'm not going back on my word", he says with determination.

"Thank you"

"You don't have to thank me. I am your brother, I might not know much but I know my sister needs my support.
Attorney Willow has arrived and Mum says, it's time to go"

"Take the lead, I'll be down in five"

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Attorney Willow is the prosecutor that was given to me by the state. Before I met her, I imagined her as a strict woman in her forties who wears rimmed glasses with a bob haircut and walks In a straight line.