Fading Away ✅

Chapter Eight

Thirty minutes into detention and Mr. Holland is snoring with his head on the table

I am so bored.
I tried reading "The fault in our stars" but I couldn't even get past the first chapter–the man's snores are so loud and distracting. I stopped trying so hard to focus ten minutes later and I'm now questioning my life decisions.

Blaze walks  to the door, opens the door slowly and slips out

What the hell is he doing?
I am going to regret this but I slip out of the door after him and close the door behind me

"Where are you heading to?", I ask  to his retreating figure

"Why do you like meddling in my business?", he replies scowling at me

"If you are thinking of ditching, you better not. It's all your fault I'm here in the first place–so you also have to be here"

"Go back then, Miss Goody- two-shoes
I'm sure Mr. Holland is waiting for you"

I am not a goody-two-shoe, stop implying that. Quit insinuating things about me"

"Anyone who denies being a goody two shoes with that energy is one",he says and walks away

I feel triggered by that phrase even though it probably means nothing
I am in no way good, my past can explain that perfectly
Who am I to even tell people what they should or shouldn't do?
I am a horrible person
That voice in my head keeps on repeating that word over and over again, I can't control that voice

I keep on pulling my hair trying to get rid of these thoughts but they keep on coming; they won't stop

Disgusting

Pathetic

Selfish

Naive

These words keep repeating in my head like music on replay that is so irritating yet won't stop playing

I can't take it anymore,   I ran back to the detention room where Mr. Holland is still snoring
I take my bag and run to the washroom for the second time of the day. I have to feel pain; physical pain is what I need

The voice in my head always win and the added urge to cut since afternoon has me taking the blade from my bag

> Trigger warning<

Pathetic, I say and sink the blade into my forearm

Useless, I say and sink the blade again as a tear slips down my face

The voices keep repeating words that hurt but I know they are true

I just keep cutting and my blood keeps dripping on the counter.
I ran my hand under the water and I feel nothing

Loser, it echoes in my head once more
>End<

I feel no pain, no sadness
Just numb
I  feel numb and stupid for destroying my progress
I have stopped looking at myself in the mirror cause I can't hear to look at the disappointment I have become

So when I raise my head to the mirror, I quickly lower my head

You had to do it, the voice whispers. It is the only way, you need to forget because you are a horrible person. You did this to yourself

After a few minutes of washing the blood off my forearm, I decided to do what Blaze did; ditch detention
I was such a screw-up

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