Fading Away ✅

Chapter Forty-five

I slip in and out of consciousness and the next time I wake up, I see Blaze.

His eyes quickly move to me, they widen when they meet mine and I see a tear slide down his cheek before he quickly looks away.

He places his head in his hands and lets out a huge sigh before turning back to me.

"Why?", he whispers

I cannot hold back the tears that streak down my face at his question.

"I am sorry", I croak out. My throat feels raspy and sour.

He wipes his cheek and moves to my bedside.
He takes the glass of water from my side table and offers it to me.

He sends me a pointed look after placing it back on the table.
"Tell me the truth, are you sorry that you survived, or are you sorry because apologizing is what you are used to?"

I look away from his disappointed stare.

Why did he have to be always right? Slipping in and out of consciousness, I kept wondering why I was still living. I was hoping to slip out of consciousness and never wake up. It is difficult seeing them.

I had watched in pain Mum weep because of me. Black circles grazed beneath her eyes, fatigue was written all over her and her whole body shook when they were wrapped around mine whilst, Brandon stood to the side with an unreadable expression.

"You are valued, you are worth more than you think", he says out of nowhere which is followed by a strangled sob.

"I just want you to listen. It's been laying in my chest for some time now and you have to know how I see you."

He's definitely about to spew nonsense

"You pushed me to be better, to do better-with Ellie. and with my dad."

He lets out a bitter laugh.
"With Calculus, you pushed me to be better. Through all the tests we took, I was competing with you. I wanted to do better than you.
After I met you as Ellie's babysitter, I looked into you and I found out you joined the school during senior year and AP Calculus was one of your classes. In the beginning, I thought it was my ego that drove me to accept the promotion into your class I previously refused but after getting to know you, I realized that it was something about you that drew me to you, that still draws me to you.
Your selfless personality. You care so much about the people around you and you will do anything for them even if it costs you your life".

He looks at me with so much vulnerability that I have to look away.

"You are so valuable but you don't even know it..."

Are you considering his words? Take a look at yourself, take a look at your past and tell me, is he right?

"...to me, to Addison, Lucas, Ellie, Brandon, your mum, Ro-"

"Be quiet"

You are hideous

Pathetic

Useless

Ugly

You are a mess

You don't deserve to live, just fade

And I believe them as always

"I", I say pointing to myself
"I am a loser, I am a burden and I do not deserve to be here. You do not know what you're talking about"

"You blame yourself for Rose's death, don't you?"

My silence gives him an answer.

" You are not responsible for her death"