Fading Away ✅

Chapter Thirty-six

Every story and movie has a plot and with every plot, there are scenes
Scenes showing sadness, happiness, and my favorite one—drama.
Something that pushes the main character or characters to do something that alters the perception of the reader or audience. Some of these actions or words lead the audience to anger whilst others lead to confusion.
Questions pile up in the audience's mind and the main question is
"Why?"

"Why do they do that?"

Well, mine is fear.

All this time, I had told myself that I didn't say yes to Blaze because I was afraid of getting hurt.

I am afraid, petrified even but not because of getting hurt.

I was used to getting hurt, Dad's death ruined a part of me I never let out. I looked up to him, I looked forward to every evening he read bedtime stories to me, I looked forward to every second he watched Beauty and the Beast with me,  his death took a toll on me.
At that young age, I knew Mum was hurting badly and I didn't want to also be an additional bother. She spoke less and the babysitter was now around a lot, I couldn't blame her, she was pregnant with Brandon and stressed enough.

Mum and Dad had those forbidden love stories where both their families didn't want them to see each other so they eloped to a new country, got married, and settled down so there was no family Mum could lean on for support.

There is a part of me that blames Dad's death on me, it is a small part but guilt is a feeling that whether small or big affects you nonetheless.
There was a huge storm brewing on the day Dad died and everyone was advised to stay indoors, but it had passed my bedtime and Dad wasn't there to read a bedtime story to me. Mum tried reading it to me but I refused and started wailing.
She called Dad for help and he said he was coming home. She kept telling him to wait until the storm subsided but he refused and he died that night.

I was used to getting hurt, Dad's death was the start.

At that young age, I told myself that I was in a way responsible for Mum's hurting and I wouldn't hurt her more.

Insecurity is something most teenagers struggle with and I am one of them. It started small— I would look into the mirror and point out every flaw in my body. From the pimples and acne to how flat my nose was. I was treading on a dangerous path but I couldn't stop comparing myself to other beautiful girls.

Rose on the other hand was smart, beautiful, and confident. She attracted attention everywhere she went and people loved her. Sometimes, I wondered why someone so confident and assertive was friends with a timid and insecure person like me. She was my umbrella in a huge downpour of rain.
Since her death, I had kept the notion that if she, a girl with a bubbly personality and a free spirit could kill herself, then who was I?

She had been doing well for me as my umbrella and I had never stopped to ponder and ask how she was doing and when my umbrella was no longer there, I allowed the rain to beat me.

I began to hate myself for every little mistake.
Accidentally barging into someone, I would curse and reprimand myself. Blocking someone's path, I blamed myself. Answer a question wrong, even existing was my crime.
Every mistake I did led to raining hate on myself.  I told myself everything was my fault and with time I began to accept it and every misfortune that followed after.
I began to accept that I was nothing but a useless person who caused problems for the people who cared for me.

I didn't say yes to Blaze because I was afraid of getting hurt.
I didn't say yes because I know I will be the one to hurt him. I don't trust myself so how can I trust him to be able to deal with a broken person like me and not get broken in the process.
I made Rose my umbrella and she died.
I am broken, I am insecure, I am a mess, I am lost and I am pathetic.
Eventually, I am going to fade and I do not want Blaze to be another umbrella.