4.7 - Live 1. Performance

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Applause fades. I hear piano chords in my headphones. I close my eyes and take a deep breath to wash away the last bits of nervousness. Right now my name is Marc Fontaine, I'm lost, I'm lonely, I'm desperate - everything but nervous.

As silence fills the room for one short moment, I take up the microphone and start singing:

Mon ami, mon avenir

Ma vie, pardonne-moi...

I wave my hand up, like defining my invisible mask.

Ce visage inexpressif rempli de tristesse...

I get up from my chair, anxiously noticing that my leg tries to protest. So I slowly, carefully walk towards a white spotlight in the center of the stage, while the verse continues:

De nombreuses fois j'ai du te mentir

Ou me mettre dans la peau d'un autre

Des kilomètres entre la parole et l'acte

T'as fini par voir mon petit jeu d'acteur

And here we go. My voice goes up, then down, and keeps flowing in a raised, almost hysterical tone. It's not very strong - my voice, I mean, but I have a different kind of power. And I put it in words, my own special meaning, making every single of them weighty:

Mais laisse-moi, j'peux tout t'expliquer

Des fois j'fais des choses que j'comprends pas

La nuit m'aide à méditer

C'est dans ces moments que j'me dis que j'vais changer

For me it's not just words, it's a true story of things that I don't like remembering and times that I wish I could forget. But here I am, saying it out loud, sharing it with the whole world. I feel naked, I feel stripped down to the bone. But I also feel... Right. Like this is how it should be in the first place.

Sending the first feels of numbness, coming with this overwhelming awkawardness, I repeat:

J'vais changer .

Then - subsidence. I realise that my hands are still shaking, and - oh well - my shoulders are tensed, so I straighten my back and, as the bridge plays, have a look around. Spot my friends in a front raw and can't help smiling. Damn, focus, Alice!

To not be distracted any more, I close my eyes and sing the second verse like that:

Mes ennuis, mes envies

Mes désirs, mes plaisirs

Ont pris le dessus sur ma vie d'famille

Jusqu'à m'en détourner...

I heard my father saying that. When we had hard times, and he wasn't around, he used to say it. And then he would give promises which he never kept.

So I never give promises and I never lie. And these words I pronounce, almost laughing at their inanity. Never thought I could sound that evil.

...L'argent détruit le cœur d'autrui

Je n'peux dissocier l'ennemi de l'ami

Tant pis je n'veux pas de leur empire

Je préfère ton sourire dans un trou d'souris

And here we go again. All the things that I wanted to say to him, all the grievance that I nursed against this man, I sing it out now, giving the words a whole new meaning. I spit them out with anger, slowly turning into pity and sadness. This time I throw my arms forward, as I go up the melody:

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