I See Colors | Taegi

thirty-five

It's been a few days since that happened.

Since then,
I've been eating with Hoseok's other friends
and try my best to smile and laugh with them.

Today,
Seokjin is going on to Jungkook and I
about how a boy named Namjoon
got the school's team a winning point
in the badminton game yesterday.

   Hoseok hasn't been in the cafeteria
   ever since that day.
   Maybe he understands my side now.

Yesterday, I finished my drawing of Yoongi.
I was planning to make a small posture
and put it on there to give to him,
but I don't want to anymore.

   I know that none of this is Yoongi's fault,
   but maybe he wants to catch up with Hoseok.

   Maybe that's why he stayed friends with me.

Hoseok hasn't been talking to me
and his side glances make me feel like
a liar.

Hoseok is someone I never want to make angry.
Not because he gets physical
(I don't know him enough for that),
but because he reminds me of a friend I had
who I have a hard time forgetting
no matter how much I want to.

He only wanted to talk to me
when I was happy.
He told me he wanted me to be okay,
but never did anything
to help.

He also didn't like
physical contact,
which is the main thing that separates him
from Hoseok.

"Taehyung-ah.
Do you want to be here?"

Seokjin looks at me with concern.
"We don't mean to force you to hang out with us.
It's fine if you don't want to."

I glance at Jungkook.
He looks more anxious than Seokjin.
I can tell based on how
he glances away from me.

For Jungkook,
he either stares without looking away
or looks away without a single glance.

"No.
It's okay."

"Are you sure?"

I rub my lips together and
let out a sigh.
"I'm sorry."

"Ahh..."
Seokjin leaned back with a smile,
as if I told him a bad joke
   about cytoplasm.

"This is the fourteenth time
you've said sorry to us.
Yes. I've been counting.
   Why do you need to apologize for everything?"

   "I'm not sure."

   Maybe I say sorry
   just to hear someone tell me that
   it's okay.

   I wish I didn't have to make other people say that.
   It makes me feel like
   a burden.

   I wish it was easy
   to believe in myself.