I See Colors | Taegi

four

I arrive home to the smell of chicken
   and hum in delight
   with the warm air attaching onto
   my freezing skin.

   The day is cold for fall.
   It's windy, too.
   My jacket kept blowing with the wind
   along with my hair
   and the leaves.
   I can still hear the faint sound of the trees
   rustling from outside.
   With how beautiful it is,
   I can never imagine
   being upset today.

   I slip off my shoes
   and hang my coat up.
   I walk further into the house,
   with the wood creaking a soft green
   under my feet.

   Mama is cooking in the kitchen.
   She doesn't seem to notice me
   until I shake my bag off my shoulder
   and onto one of the dining room chairs.

   "Welcome home, pumpkin."

   She always calls me a nickname
   depending on the time of the year.
   I get reminded of her scarlet voice
   that's gotten scratchier than it was before.
   And the grape in her voice
   that would once relax me
   now lightly chizzles my ears.

   "Hello mom!
   Do you need any help?"

   She gives me a faint smile,
   and I already know what she's going to say.

   "Would you mind
   finishing up the rice and chicken
   while I go out?"

   She's been saying phrases like this
   more and more often.
   And it hurts me to think
   that she can't be fully happy
   without being closer to death.

   But I keep a smile
   so she doesn't think
   I no longer love her.

   I keep a smile
   so she knows
   that I still appreciate her
for putting me to sleep when
   the taste of blood
   was stuck on my mind.

   "Of course I can."

   Mama smiles wider
   and walks over to me
   to have me in her embrace.
   I've grown taller than her over the years
   but that doesn't stop her
   from seeing me
   as her child.

   The smell of smoke and coffee
fills my nose when she says,
   "Thank you, Taehyung.
   Your dad will be back in about an hour."

   I hum
   and Mama lets me go
   before going to the mudroom
   to put on her shoes and a black jacket.
   I wish she could stay and have dinner with us
   with a real smile on her face
   and real laughter.

   I hope one day
   she'll change her mind
   and has a voice
   that only smells like coffee.

   "Okay. Bye mom! I love you!"

   The door is open,
   but she turns to smile at me.
   The warmth of the house blocks the cold.

   "I love you more, Taehyung!"

   Then she leaves,
   and I feel the cold air hit me.