I See Colors | Taegi

thirty

"Mom has been out a lot with her friends
ever since I was in eighth grade.
We were doing fine until then."

Yoongi nods.

"She started getting addicted,
and my dad began to distance himself from her more.
My sister doesn't trust us anymore,
especially me.
I know they love me,
but they never really talk to me anymore
unless it's school."

I bite my lip
and stare at my lap
when tears build in my eyes again.

I wish I can handle this more like Jungkook;
without crying.

"Her voice is different now
and she's coming home tipsy.
And I told her last night how bad it is
but I don't think she's ever going to be
the same again."

I hide my face with my hand
as I struggle to keep myself from crying.

"I think I scared her."

   I press my lips together.
Right now,
it's like Yoongi isn't here.
Part of me
doesn't want him to be here.

   "You can cry if you have to.
   My aunt used to tell me that crying
   is like a large wave.
   It hits and makes a mess,
   but the waves after
   are smaller than they were before."

   Slowly,
   I let go
   and lose the fight.

   I wonder how many large waves
   hit Jungkook
   before he apologized to me.

   "I don't want to cry."
   I try to tell him,
   but it comes out as a wimper.
   I don't say anything else.

   "But you have to."

   But there isn't a real reason
   for me to cry
   because Mama
   is okay.

   School is okay.
   My relationships are okay.

   I don't
   have to
   cry.

   So I cut it off and
breathe it all away.

I look at Yoongi
and see him staring at me
with a frown.
He hasn't eaten anything
since I started talking.

He knows.
I'm trusting Yoongi
too quickly.
Why am I doing this?

What's wrong with me?

"I'm going to go to the bathroom."

My feet make me stand up
and I go to the door.

"Taehyung?"

Yoongi says that too late
and I can't turn back.

   Fear is an emotion
I don't want to see anything for
so I can cover up the distractions
and see what it really is.
By then,
it's no longer fear.

   I've acted
   out of
   logic.