I See Colors | Taegi

twenty-eight

My back is laying on a pillow
on the couch at home
as I sketch numbers onto the paper in front of me.

The lamp next to me is my only light
so that my sister and Dad don't wake up
and the only sound
is my pencil scratching onto the paper.

Mama hasn't come home yet,
which isn't normal.
She comes home at 10:00 PM at the latest,
but it's almost 11:00 now.

I tap my pencil against the paper
and lick my lips.

I stare out the window,
but see nothing but black.
Everywhere execpt the living room
is dark.

Today
I had to make dinner again
because Dad forgot to bring food home.
   My sister was stubborn as usual,
   but she also smiled,
   and was more polite.

   Looking back on it now,
   it was kind of
   scary.

   Or maybe it's scary
   because Mama isn't home yet.

   Midterms are a relevent topic in conversations recently.
   I know I need to focus,
   but it's hard to choose between
   one anxious topic
   and another anxious topic.

   I hear the front door open,
   and I see Mama walk inside.
   She shuts the door,
   kicks her boots off,
   and puts her keys on the table
   before she notices me.

   "Taehyung?
   Why are you awake?"

   "Midterms."

   She walks over to me
   and sits on the couch.
   I sit up.

   "Don't worry.
   I was at your grandparents' house."

   I begin to tear up.
   I don't know if it's because of midterms,
   or Mama's state,
   or the night messing with my head.

   Mama tilts her head and pouts.
   "What's wrong?"

   I rub my eyes.
   This isn't a conversation
   I want to be crying in.

   I rarely cry
   because I never find a proper reason to.
   Nothing is ever worth it.

   Or maybe I'm not worth it.

   "It's just-"
   I sigh.
   "I don't understand
   why you're out all the time."

   "What do you mean?"

   I cough into my arm
   covered by my black shirt.

   "Doing... You know."

   The topic picks at me,
   and it's beginning to make me annoyed.

   "Smoke.
   And drink."

   Mama widens her eyes.

   "Do you know how dangerous that is?
   I didn't think about it at first
   because I thought you would be able to stop.
   But now it's been over two years.
   And now your voice is getting scratchy."

   Those tears come back,
   but I'm too angry
   to force them away.

   I hate my stern voice.

   "Alcohol can give you a disease or poison you.
   It changes the way you think.
   And smoking is bad for your entire body.
   You could die."

   "Taehyung-"

   "How do you think we would feel if you died like that?
   How do you think I would feel
   knowing that the person who helped me understand the world,
   who I looked up to,
   died from their own choices
   with no reason why they made them?"

   "Taehyung-!"

   "There's no reason for you to do this to us.
   Yes we barely talk to each other,
   but we're only like this because of you
   falling into an addiction that doesn't make sense!"

   Mom's eyes are still wide,
   but I can't tell if the shine in them
   are her tears
   or mine.

   I wipe my right eye with my wrist.

   "I can't see you the same way anymore.
   I'm sorry."

   I'm still upset;
   I just don't have anything to say anymore,
   so I pick up my homework.

   "I'm going to go to bed."
   I stand up.
   "Goodnight, Mom."