I See Colors | Taegi

fourty-one

When I was younger,
I wanted to be a dancer.

At the time,
I had a friend named Jimin
and he loved dancing so much that I thought
people can only be that passionate
about dance.

   I tried to dance for a while
   but then realized that
   that wasn't what I wanted to do.
   I was still envious of Jimin
   because he looked to have his life figured out.

   But that was a long time ago.

   I know Jimin goes to this school
   since I've seen him walk down the halls,
   but I never got the chance to say anything to him.

   He doesn't seem to miss me.

   I wish I figured out my life sooner.
   Maybe then
   we would still be friends.

   I'm glad that Hoseok isn't mad at me anymore.
   I will try and spend more time with him during gym from now on.

   I'm walking down an empty hallway
towards the music room
now that I've finished the teacher's papers
to the front office.

As I'm walking,
I see two boys talking to each other.
One of them is leaning on a locker,
and the other has a worrying grin.

It takes me a few steps to realize who they are,
but when I do, I freeze.

   Both of them turn to me.
   It feels like watching a doll's head turn
   in a horror movie.

   "Hey, Taehyung."
   One of them waves.
   "It's been a while, hasn't it?
   There are rumors going around
   that you like boys.
   Did you hear about them?"

   I bite my lip
   and start to walk back.

   A few seconds after I turn around,
   someone grabs my wrist and yanks me back.

   "Aw... I'm sorry.
   You won't get to go to your king yet.
   People say you hang out with him during lunch.
   Or do you both do something else?"

   I turn my head around
   and stare at the grinning boy.

   "Stop, Sanghoon.
   I can tell the staff."

The boy next to him covers his mouth
in fake surprise.

   "But when I tell them you're gay,
   how much of your story will they believe?"

   "That doesn't change this."

   "To them, it does."
   Sanghoon's friend adds,
   "Taetae, this is a prestigious high school, you know that?
   That means that we're expected to live good lives when we graduate.
   Yet now you have nothing for the school to be proud of.
   You can't even get married anymore."

"Maybe that's for the better."
Sanghoon says,
"Now he can't breed out more gay aliens."

His friend laughs.

I try to get my wrist out of Sanghoon's grip
while he's still distracted.

"Trying to leave, Princess?
Come on. Try. I dare you."

Sanghoon's grip tightens,
and I try to use more force to make him let go,
but it only pushes his chest forward.

"Damn...
You really got something in you.
Did your king teach you that?"

My stomach rumbles.

I feel him push me,
so I close my eyes
and hear the sharp pang of the locker.