Death & Tequila [mxm]

31. Molasses

Jaiden went to his old room, and he could tell that it had been a while since someone lived in there. The air was stale, and dust had settled on the surfaces. It was strange what two months could do. But he definitely did not feel like this was home anymore. It didn't have the warmth and feeling of belonging he felt in Toni's home. He felt like this apartment was alien to him, and he felt a need to leave quickly.

The cold room reminded him of how he lived two months ago... broken and distant.  He always believed that it was easier like that. He stripped himself of his personality, and he only focused on work... his long-lost rules were all he could hold onto for months until Toni.

He was a minimalist with very few items that decorated his living area. There was nothing truly personalized in this room and very few sentimental items. His grey walls were utterly bare and looked drab with his plain white duvet.  It was strange to see because he was used to living in a bright, vibrant home with Toni.  

He looked over the room and found the only two pictures he owned sitting on his end table. One of Carlos and him when he got detective, and the other with his friends when they graduated high school. He reached out and picked up the one with Carlos and wiped off some of the dust.

The anniversary of his death was less than a week away. He had tried to put the date at the back of his mind. However, his wounded heart was keeping track of the passing time; each pump was like a clock counting down and was becoming more foreboding the closer he was to the date.  But he was surprised that looking at the picture didn't hurt as much as he expected.  Last year, he had placed the picture in a drawer and locked it away because the pain and memories were unbearable. It was a dull ache but not all-consuming.

This year was different than before. Lately, he laughed more and enjoyed what he could rather than wallowing in his grief. He used to think that he was betraying Carlos on the days he didn't feel the unbridled pain when thinking of him, but now he felt like he was honoring Carlos' memories by trying to enjoy his life.

The life he had been living before wasn't a full life, but that all changed the moment Toni walked into his life—well, it was more like Jaiden ran into Toni's life. He laughed lightly while looking at the picture. Carlos would be happy for him and would have loved Toni.

Unlike Jaiden, Carlos seemed to have a good judge of character. He trusted so easily with his heart and gut and strived to be a good man every day. It was something Jaiden had neglected amid his mourning. But lately, Carlos's examples and words echoed in his soul more often than naught. They even started to seep into his dreams, like he was still there with him. Jaiden realized that the more progress he made to accept his loss and strive to live happily, the more Carlos would be prevalent in his life.

Jaiden had always joked about Carlos being too good of a man. Who would be brave enough to take some smartass kid out of a holding cell and into his home? He should have steered clear of someone as messed up as Jaiden. But Carlos would always tell him that he saw a good man inside Jaiden.

One night, when he was sharing a beer with Carlos, he asked him how he could become a good man. Carlos' answer had been rattling inside of Jaiden's mind lately.

"Being a good man is hard, but there is a trick to the trade... Fall in love with someone who is a better person than you and then surpass their standards."

Jaiden smiled at the picture. "I think I understand what you meant." He said quietly to it. He finally found the best person who made him want to be a good man.

He moved the picture of Carlos and the one from his graduation to his backpack.  He then went to his old desk and pulled out a blank Moleskine notebook. It was the ones that Carlos always used when cases would become complicated. He would write down every fact he could think of in the journal. It was how he would remember things and have everything click into place. It was another habit that Jaiden picked up, and he needed it for this case.