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36. SUFFER IN SILENCE

 SUFFER IN SILENCE

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Eevi

He kept playing the piano while I was keeping my eyes closed. The song was beautiful, sensitive and emotional. After a while he stopped, so I opened my eyes. It was so emotional and beautiful that couple tears decided to show up. I placed the mug on the coffee table, and I wiped them away. Joel saw that.
"You have always been so sensitive." He said calmly, and I looked at him then. He looked at me under his eyebrows, and then he moved his gaze on the piano again.
"Music is my soft spot." I responded quietly. The sun was shining straight to Joel's back, and this combination of Joel and a piano looked like an art.

"You know that I'm worried about you? Like everyone else." He decided to break the silence. I watched him as he gently pressed those keys, mostly high notes. I came back to reality again. Here I see it how music is an escape for me. Joel knows it, he clearly wanted me to focus on something else for a moment. But I don't blame him.
But when he pressed those keys, they made quiet sounds, it made me relaxed. I didn't feel anxiety anymore. He didn't look at me, just staring at his fingers that played the piano quietly.
"I know that talking about own problems isn't always easy. You know what I have been going through, and still I'm fighting." He continued, and his tone was so calm. I have missed this.
We promised to let those fights stay in the past.
And now that we're talking normally to each other, this feels like a reward.
Who would've had thought that we can communicate without mocking each other.
"So.. Olli decided to invite you here. That I would talk to you." I said and took the mug back, it warmed my cold hands.

"Kinda. I know how you're feeling right now. Like, nothing is going to be better. You want to give up, you don't talk. He told me that you have been drinking a lot." He responded, still keeping his eyes on those piano keys.
"Why he didn't call to Niko? He's my brother and he has been going through a lot as well." I frowned.
Maybe I sounded a bit harsh now. But he didn't seem to mind. More likely he looked happy that I was talking. Keeping the conversation up, questioning Olli's decision. But this doesn't mean that I'm going to open up.
"Excatly, he's your brother. Would you talk to him?" He looked me under his eyebrows again.
I didn't have an answer for that. Or I did, in my head. But I didn't want to say it out loud. But my silence told him the answer. Yeah, maybe I wouldn't.
I love Niko and we can talk about everything, but still, he's my brother. Maybe it is easier to talk to someone else first.
Niko has seen me suffer too in the past, I don't want him to see me like this.
I feel pathetic.

"But you can't know it either what I'm feeling." I mumbled back. He looked at me, waiting for me to continue. This felt like too much.
Why is talking so hard? I kinda want to, but the freaking voice in my head yells me that don't open your mouth.
"No one will care."
"They don't understand, they can't understand."
"They will laugh, or roll their eyes."
"Keep your thoughts on your own."
"Suffer in silence."

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