Survivalist

Chapter 6

Summary:

You’re stuck in a room, with only your thoughts, you are haunted by the past few weeks, and memories you had forgotten begin to surface.

Notes:

Sorry it’s been so long. I’m grown up by now. I have grown up issues. But if there’s anybody still interested in this little fic please let me know. Thanks for being so patient. Hopefully it won’t be another two years before the next chapter is published.
Ily

Chapter Text

It wasn’t like you could just escape. If you could you would have a long time ago. And it wasn’t just that. It was the nagging sense of doom, like a pit in your stomach that if you even moved an inch, all of your family would die. It had been two days since Negan brought Carl to your small bedroom. Two days and nothing. Other than the occasional food and drink drop off from Dwight. Nothing else. Although in retrospect two days isn’t a very long time, being in that small room, with very little to do felt like an eternity. There was a bookshelf in the room. But oddly, whatever you read felt redundant. You couldn’t focus, even on the novels you knew you would like. You were just stuck in a constant time loop of distress. You paced in the bedroom, tried to exercise, showered, ate, slept. And it was all agony. You tried to talk to Dwight. Ask him what was going on. Ask him what happened to Carl. He wouldn’t answer. It was like suddenly the entire compound was mute. You tried not to cry. You tried not to imagine what was going on in Alexandria. You prayed for the first time in a long long time, that they were all safe. You remembered the last time you prayed that hard. It was when...

Sophia stumbled out of the barn. You almost dropped your gun in utter disbelief. Just when you thought that things were improving, getting better. Shit hit the fan. You could barley look at Caryl. You watched as Daryl held her fragile body, and felt sick to your stomach. You saw Hershels youngest daughter, Beth, stumble towards her mom. She wasn’t much younger than you were. Yet you felt an immediate sense of maturity over the blonde. You didn’t know why. It was probably because she seemed less worldly, experienced less loss. She seemed fragile, not cut out for this world. God... you felt like a bitch. She was nice. Very nice. And you reacted to her like she was some kind of a kid. You looked over to where Shane stood. He looked like a shell of a man when he returned from his trip with Otis. Something happened. You didn’t push. You knew you were getting out soon, with him. You were still leaving, weren’t you?

You felt almost disconnected from your body. You smoked a cigarette which Dwight had delivered to you, and lit for you because god forbid they trust you with a bic. Because the room had no windows you were forced to use a small box fan whenever you lit one up. Either that or the entire room went smoky. You wanted to feel. You wanted to be touched. You wanted - you needed Rick.
Based on your estimates considering the three meals a day Dwight had been delivering to you, you realized it had been four days now since Carl arrived to your bedroom. Four days without human contact other than a few grunts from Dwight. In a bad way he reminded you of Daryl. A version of Daryl, perhaps, that went very wrong. That broke bad. Maybe this would’ve been how he ended up if he did leave camp with you and Merle those many many years ago. You flipped through a book. The Stand by Stephen King. It was good. Almost hit a little too close to home, but it was good. The classic good vs evil action novel, with some romance and horror sprinkled in. Not too far from your life. You liked to think, at least, that you had a bit more romance in your life. Even though your body count was basically nonexistent. There was one boy from before the plague. You played together as kids, and once you were in your early teens he took your virginity. The two of you were on top of his apartment buildings roof. You stared at the stars, smoked stale Camals and drank 40’s. You felt alive. It wasn’t good. It was the first time for both of you. No fireworks. But it felt special. You didn’t realize that it would be such an important part of your life until it was gone. He was your first and then their was...