PAP44
Just like what we've been asked to do, I took the tests my OB said I should. I understood everything she explained to us. It's just that, even if it keeps on replaying in my head, I cannot take it in. Kung wala siguro si Cell para alalayan at gabayan ako sa mga dapat kong gawin ay wala akong magagawa. He was the one who kept his composure while I feel so lost. I know he's trying to hold it in for me. I feel so sorry because I cannot do the same.
How come... how come...
We came home that day with a heavy heart. I think it was the first time we ever became so silent for a long time. Hindi ko rin kasi magawang magpanggap. There's no way I could look at a brighter side in this situation. Sobrang bigat ng pakiramdam ko. Cell tried to approach me, but I can only give him short answers. Maging siya naman, ramdam ko din ang tamlay sa kanyang boses.
The next days was hard for us. Hindi na ako pinayagan ni Cell na pumasok sa trabaho. Maging ako naman ay wala na ring naging balak. And every time I experiences the said 'symptoms' I am exhibiting, I feel so much hate to myself and to the situation I am under. I don't want it! I don't want to feel it! Pakiramdam ko kasi ay kinukumpirma noon saakin na totoo nga, something is wrong!
A part of me had to suck in that possibility... but the day the results of the tests I took were out, at least... I still held on to the small possibility that everything was normal... but I guess, it can't be given to me.
"I'm sorry..." mahina kong wika noong makalabas kami ng clinic. I cannot explain how broken I am inside. My knees felt weak and everything... even the steps I take feels so heavy. Hindi ako makapag-isip ng tama. But still, I knew I had to say it to Cell.
I'm sorry... it was my fault. If only I am more healthy... more capable...
Lumingon siya saakin. His eyes are full of visible sadness and worry. His face reflects trouble. I guess, we reflect each other's faces.
Humakbang siya papalapit saakin at niyakap ako, walang pakealam kung sino man sa paligid ang makakakita saamin.
I didn't raise my hand. I just let him hug me. Saglit kong sinarado ang mga mata ko para pakiramdaman ang yakap niya. He's warm... being in his arms has always been so comforting... but not this time. My heart remained to be cold.
"It wasn't your fault. So don't blame yourself," he whispered. "You'll be okay. You two will be okay..." dagdag niya bago ako pinakawalan sa yakap niya. He searched for my eyes and as soon as he found them, he tried to give me an encouraging smile.
Hinaplos niya ang pisngi ko. Ngumiti ako ng malungkot at hinuli ang kanyang kamay. Ibinaba ko iyon at hinawakan ng mahigpit.
"Still..."
"Sshh..." saway niya, nararamdamang negatibo na naman ang sasabihin ko.
I sighed and kept my mouth shut. It was too hard to even accept that it was real...
Preeclampsia is a pregnancy complication... as my OB said. She explained it well to us but what I can remember is that it still doesn't have known causes. Pero kahit ganon, it can be dangerous for me and for my baby. On my part, it may cause complications to my organs. And to the baby, he must be delivered earlier. Iyon lang kasi daw talaga...the only way for it to be treated is to give birth. But I am not close to my term yet, so we still had to prolong my pregnancy...
"How are you?" tanong ni Mama Marchess bago siya tumigil sa harap ng kama kung nasaan ako.
"Ayos lang po. I'm sorry I wasn't able to greet you a while ago..."
Dapat talaga ay sasama ako kay Cell para batiin sila noong dumating sila dito. Madali lang naman iyon saakin dahil lumipat din kami sa kwarto dito sa ground floor. He doesn't like the thought of me climbing up to the stairs all the time to go to our room on the second floor. Anyway... ayun nga. Lalabas sana ako kaso nga lang, ayaw naman ni Cell. He said he'll just bring them to me. Si Mama ang unang pumasok.
