The Diary of A King's Mistress

12th, February 1668

  I was given a choice today that in no matter what option, would cause me to lose something I loved deeply. The choices were between staying with Gabriel and sailing with him to never return home or going home and being forced to never see him again. This weighed on my heart and chest and I attempted to imagine both instances. I conjured up scenes in my head in how they were to play out. Either way, I was left absent. Gabriel held a sense of control over me that even I did not understand. It made me understand my father more so though. How he did not love mother in the way he loved him concubines. Justifying it I am not, but I understand. If you do not truly love someone in which it does not shake your core and soul-you desire that. Desire the longing to be someone's. To awaken in the arms beside the one you love and see the love given back in their eyes.

        In the other instance I would return home and rule beside a King in which was more cruel than kind. He was handsome in a European style-but he was not Gabriel. If I were to choose love, it would mean never seeing my family again. If I were to return, the King would certainly have my head as well as Gabriel's and his crew. But if I were to stay, I could assure our safety but miss home. It had been a few months since brother passed and I can still felt that absence as well. As I write this, at this moment-I find great obstacles avoiding me to arriving at a decision.

        I have conjured every possibly scenario and case. Hours and hours of wondering what if. Placing my head upon my pillow I felt as if something heavy was upon my chest. Almost as if I was unable to breathe. I jolted from my still position and onto the boat deck to find one of the crew looking upon the stars and drinking. His name was Buck. I spoke possibly a sentence to him my entire journey but he was kind and friendly. In some ways, he reminded me of my brother. Buck had told me in whatever decision I made to follow my heart. He explained to me that making a decision with your head causes you to think what is best for others while you are miserable in the meantime. Following your heart means you chose what you wanted. Being selfish is alright to a tip.

        His words although I had heard them before struck something in my heart. I did not know why I even had to think about it. I knew my answer and I went to Gabriel to tell him. I was unsure if he would be happy...