Locker Letters [MomoJirou]

Going Forward - 7

To: K.J.
1st Period

I regret to inform you but I can run in heels. It's not as hard as you think so you can take your mindless threat out of that letter and continue writing to me. Sometimes I struggle with realizing whether or not it's necessary to apologize, so I tend to over apologize instead. I have been working on it though. When do you even realize you need to apologize? Only when you do something wrong is the correct answer I suppose.

I most definitely laughed whilst reading the part about you getting detention. I'm also not sorry for laughing at your pain. It is nice to meet someone else in the community though, most of my friends are just straight allies or don't mention sexuality much. Ever since we started writing all these letters it's been a thing I look forward to, I've been happy getting to know you. It's nice to have a friend who doesn't know me for what my family may be or for what I may look like. All you know about me is what I write in these letters and in a way they've grown private. It's nice.

As much as I loved reading about your internal struggle with detention I hope you're aware of how dramatic you sound. Though being dramatic does add to comedy most of the time. Let me not overthink the structure of comedy and how much it may rely on overdramatizing certain stories and words, and just move on to the important part of this letter.

Please note that my writing got a little out of hand as it started feeling like a diary entry at some point. I'd hate to hinder you with my troubles so don't feel the need to read the paragraph. If you do read the paragraph, I heavily appreciate you giving me the opportunity to share and I encourage you to do the same if you wish to do so. Also, don't feel pressured to respond to it if you don't know what to say.

You aren't assuming anything whatsoever, in fact, you're correct. I'm not as confident as I'd like myself to be. My confidence issues make me do a lot less and hold myself back on things I'd love to do. To relate this to the topic from earlier, group projects tend to just heighten that, if the group members do nothing that's honestly my safest best as I feel like I won't be dragging them down. Even though the fact they're relying on me is terrifying I won't have to worry about what they may have in mind. If someone in a group project were to bring forth an idea, then we're going with that. The moment another person speaks on their idea I just lose some confidence in me like it's draining. To just see them able to speak out on their idea confidently and talk about why they believe it'll work, it's intimidating. It's like "I'll never be able to do that. Look at that, they can speak and I can't." Then I start to doubt my idea to the point I find holes in the entire plan and it all just ends in me feeling absolutely stupid. Even in situations such as answering the question on the board I have a huge habit of checking my work multiple times to assure that I'm correct. I once mentioned this before to my friend and she said I had a habit of doubting myself. I try to help this issue, really, but I suppose it's a situation of "old habits die hard."

You're already aware that I'm from a household that others would state is "above average." Though you'd probably say that I'm above "above average." With that upbringing, it's deeply rooted in me to just sit back and let others handle it. Let the maid handle the cleaning. Let the cook handle the cooking. Even though it's their job and they can handle it, why do I have to be so heavily looked upon to the point it's like even they are doubting my abilities. It's all just so complicated. Am I even allowed to feel like this? I really am lucky and I realize that and I'll forever be thankful for it, but why can't I just be thankful without all these unnecessary thoughts? Why can't it stop there? Most people would probably just tell me that "it's their job you don't have to do that" or "you have so much you should take advantage of that." I know all of these things but despite all that, is it bad that I just want to see what more I can do? I want to know what my limits are and what I'm capable of, without people deciding for me what that is. I may be rich but that doesn't mean that's all there is to me. Then sometimes people act like that's all there should be to me. I suppose it all just delves down to what more can I do? What can I even do? Am I really capable of any of this? Is this my limit? Is this where it all stops?