Once Bitten, Twice Shy.

Trying to be better.

The days keep flying by it’s been 2 months since we lost Emma. I went home for a week and Justin joined me he left me for one night to go to Cleveland with Usher and Karl for a basketball game other than that we’ve barely been apart. We returned to California and found out Selena released a song called “The heart wants what it wants” Along with a video Justin and I watched it together on his couch, we also saw her interview with Ryan Seacrest where she admits the song is about Justin.

(Flashback) “You’ve heard the song before?” I asked Justin “Yeah she wrote it a while back I didn’t hear the intro where she’s talking though. But I’ve heard her say those things before.” He said “How?” I asked “Because at the end of that she was on the phone with me the whole making her feel crazy thing she was talking to me I had no idea she was recording.” He said “Do you think she recorded your side of the conversation?” I asked “It’s possible.” He replied “will it be bad if it get’s out?” I asked “Maybe you know she has 2 sides Aaliyah she had me so pissed at some points I may have said things that could potentially make me look bad.” He said “Do you think she’d release that?” I asked “I hope not.” He said

The week after that was Scooter and Yael’s baby shower which I didn’t attend party because Selena was going and also because I was ashamed to see them after my reaction at Justin’s after Emma’s funeral. Justin’s been doing good keeping his mind off of things he even dyed his hair blond without warning me first so that was a surprise when he came home but I like it.

I’ve been with Justin everday we’ve been to New York a lot and visiting Hailey who I’ve come to enjoy. She’s also came here and hungout with us and Kendall.

(Flashback) “Baby come on we’re having a nerf war.” Justin said bursting into the bedroom I was comfy under the covers and not really feeling up for company. “I don’t feel like it.” I said Justin came over and sat on the bed next to me “Baby it’s been 2 months since we lost Emma isn’t it time for you to start enjoying life again.” He said “2 months? You think that makes is easier well it must for you right… you’re doing fine.” I said turning to face the wall “That’s not fair Aaliyah…” He said “Losing our baby wasn’t fair Justin.” I said He kissed my head “I’m sorry you can stay in bed.” He said “I love you.” He added “I’m sorry too… and I love you.” I said pulling the blanket up onto my shoulder.

(Present day)

Christmas is in a few days and we’ve decided to go to Canada with Justin’s family I thought about going home but I just want to be with Justin I’m probably on his nerves being around him 24/7 but he makes me feel better even though I’m sometimes short tempered and mean he still does everything he can to make me a little less depressed.

We arrived at Justin’s dad’s a couple hour’s ago after visiting Bruce and Diane. It was hard answering Jazzy and Jaxon’s questions about the baby I let Justin and Jeremy handle most of them. The house was already decorated but they saved a few ornaments for Justin and I to hang, one was in memory of Emma.

I sat on the couch watching Jazzy and Jaxon play Justin came in and sat next to me “You okay?” He asked “I’m fine.” I replied resting my head on his shoulder “Are you okay?” I asked “I’m good right now I’m so glad we decided to come here for Christmas.” He said “Me too I’m just glad I’m with you.” I said “Me too baby.” He replied grabbing my hand in his.

“Hey guys it’s getting late better get to bed Santa comes tomorrow night.” Jeremy yelled coming into the living room. They groaned for a moment then they surrendered and said goodnight and ran to their rooms. I yawned “You tired babe?” Justin asked “Yes.” I said “Let’s go to bed.” He said standing up “Goodnight dad.” Justin said as he pulled me by the hand up the stairs “Goodnight guys.” Jeremy said

We walked into Justin’s room and laid down Justin pulled me close to him my back was against his chest “I love you.” He said in my ear “I love you too.” I replied “Tomorrow is Christmas Eve.” Justin said “I know are you excited?” I asked “Yes you’re going to love your present.” He said kissing my cheek “Not as much as you’re going to love yours.” I replied “We’ll see.” He said kissing my neck

I started to feel uncomfortable we hadn’t had sex since we lost Emma I don’t know what scared me more the thought of my depression and anxiety kicking in and ruining the moment or accidently getting pregnant again, I scooted away from him a little “Come on Aaliyah it’s been months you barely let me touch you.” He said “I know… I’m sorry.” I replied turning to face him “I know it’s been a hard few months for both of us but pushing me away emotionally and physically isn’t helping.” He said “I know I’ve just lost all my feelings, I don’t have the ability to feel happy or lust. Yeah I can put on a happy face and get through the day but Justin inside I feel like my body and mind are tearing themselves apart.” I said

“It’s just hard Aaliyah I crave your body all day and for a while cuddling was enough but I need to feel you I need us to feel each other and be one… Maybe you should see a doctor or a therapist.” He said “That’s what every girl wants to hear is she needs to see a therapist.” I said rolling my eyes. “I’m being serious your mind is breaking you down we’ve been through something extremely traumatic and we’re clearly dealing with it differently I’m trying to distract myself by going to church, being with friends and working out and you just want to be glued to my side which is fine if you wanted to do something other than lay in bed and be depressed. I’m not coming down on you I just want to help you baby.” He said rubbing my face

“I know and I’m sorry I just want to feel better and be happy but every time I start to feel any amount of joy I feel start guilty that I’m feeling something other than sadness.” I said “Maybe talking to someone will help you I talk to Karl a lot about it he makes me feel better gives me faith.” He said “I’m sure he’d love to sit down with you and talk.” He said “Okay.” I nodded “Would you come too?” I asked “Sure anything to help.” He said

I scooted closer to him “I’m sorry Justin I’m going to try to do better and be a better girlfriend.” I said He smiled and kissed my forehead “Goodnight Aaliyah.”, “Goodnight.” I replied laying my head on his chest.