Clone Trooper One Shots

A Broken Heart~Fox

A/N: this is what happens when I rewatch the Conspiracy Arc in Clone Wars :(

I'm so sorry...

WARNING!! talk of depression and suicidal thoughts. If these topics make you uncomfortable do not read.

I pinky promise fluff for the rest of the week!!

Life becomes easy when you fall in love.

Well, it does at first.

Everything is complete bliss. Memories are being made and every second of every day you want to spend with the one you love.

That's how it was for you and Fox.

You weren't expecting to fall in love with Fox. You hadn't seen it coming. No one did honestly.

Everything had happened so fast, but you wouldn't have traded it for anything in the galaxy.

Now notice how every remark, how every memory you think of with Fox is in the past tense.

You weren't expecting him to die, neither did he. You hadn't seen it coming. No one did honestly.

Everything had happened so fast and you would have traded it for anything in the galaxy.

***

You try so hard not to think about it. To think about him. To think about what happened.

But sometimes, late, late at night, when it is just you in your bed that you once shared with Fox, it is inevitable.

Sometimes your mind forces you to think back about that day through nightmares. Your mind causing you to suffer, to wake up in a cold sweat, your heart beating faster than you could ever think possible, and you twisted in the sheets that no longer smelled like him.

Your mind was cruel. Forcing you to relive the very moment your heart broke. The moment you knew you would have to live with a broken heart for the rest of your life.

***

You tried your best to keep living, to keep moving forward with life because that was what Fox would want, right? you thought.

In reality, that was much harder to do.

Even now, in battle fighting alongside Anakin, you were tempted that maybe you had enough of life and you should just put your lightsaber down and let the galaxy do you a favor and let you join Fox on the other side.

You believed that Anakin sensed your moment of hesitation fighting oncoming Separatist droids as he promptly stood in front of you and began deflecting shots being aimed at you.

You knew you shouldn't hesitate in battle. That was the wrong place to do so. Troopers, both of the 501st and the 84th were depending on you. Their lives were depending on you, and you shouldn't give up on them.

Charging forward, with Anakin still in front of you, you attempted to make it look like you were okay. That you wouldn't give up.

You couldn't blame Anakin for being wary of you. You were wary of yourself too.

Sometimes your heart acted before your mind could, but that's the price of a broken heart.

***

After fighting for only a bit longer, you and Anakin's troops began their wait for Republic transports.

You could sense Anakin, who was sitting across from you, wanted to speak to you, ask you some burning questions.

Before, when he had attempted to talk to you about Fox, you had always walked away. You didn't want anyone to say his name.

You admit now, sitting across from your older brother, that you haven't been the greatest little sister.

Picking at your robes, you huffed "What is it Ani?"

He had been looking down, fiddling with his lightsaber, but when you called out to him, he looked up at you with a soft expression.

One of brotherly love, but also uncertainty. He wanted to make sure you were okay, but he didn't want to press you too far.

Rubbing the back of his neck, he looked at you awkwardly.

You couldn't even keep eye contact with him. Your own brother.

"How-how are you holding up?" he asked quietly, not wanting to draw the attention of other troopers who were undoubtedly wondering the same thing.

You looked to the side of you and played with some rocks. You didn't want to answer him, but he was your brother. He deserved some sort of answer.

"I'm okay," you said. It came out almost in a whisper.

Anakin scooted closer towards you, sensing you were lying to him. You weren't okay.

"You're not okay"

You glanced up at him and he could see the tears in your eyes. He could see how broken you were. He could see that you were barely holding on, barely keeping it together anymore. And if he looked hard enough, he could see your broken heart.

You sniffed and quickly rubbed your eyes. You didn't want anyone to see you cry.

Reaching out, he placed his hand on your arm. "I'm so sorry... I can't imagine what-"

You interrupted him. "You don't know what it's like to have a broken heart, not until the one you love dies in your arm."

You looked up at him and held contact with him for what seemed like forever not to prove your point, but to gather yourself at the memory of Fox dying in your arms.

No matter how long it had been, it always felt fresh, like it had happened yesterday.

You could still feel his weight in your arms, his last breath upon your skin. You could remember it all so vividly.

A broken heart.

That was something you would not wish upon even your greatest of enemies.

Losing the one you love, in the moment, is not the hardest part. It is not the most difficult to overcome.

The hardest part is coping without them afterward.

Feeling your heart, your body, yearn for them, but no matter how much you beg the galaxy, beg them to come back to you, they won't. They can't. They never will.

Having a broken heart is not enough to kill you, but sometimes, sometimes you wish it was.