Alone Without You

19

TW's:
-Suicide attempt!(Graphic+description)
-Self harm (cutting+blood)
-Mentions starvation
-Self hate/disgust
-Mentions rape

I went home and I immediately went to my room, returning to my shock. I saw her again, I didn't get believed at all and I had to tell all details. I felt disgusting again, I had never had more self hate than I had now.

I stood up, Dream looked at me.

'Shower.'

'Are you sure, Georgie? Are you okay?'

I nodded slightly and I ran to the shower, but not to shower at all. As soon as I closed the door behind me, I started removing the blade out of the razor in the shower. I turned on the shower, stepped in with boxers and a shirt on and I started cutting my arm open.

Dream hadn't even noticed that I hadn't been eating and drinking today and I was ready to continue that. I didn't want to do anything anymore, only just hurt myself. I cut my whole arms open and when I felt like it wasn't enough, I continued with my whole belly, legs and upper arms. I turned off the shower after a while and I stepped out.

Everything immediately turned black in front of my eyes and I saw blood streaming down on the ground, having to make a puddle of blood around my feet. I felt my eyes rolling away constantly and I was too weak to keep standing on my feet. I collapsed on the ground and laid down, breathing heavily.

I started getting more and more lightheaded and I tried standing up again, but I couldn't seem to do it anymore.

It was all their fault, they didn't believe me, they screamed at me and made me think of all the details. I hated them, I honestly did. I might have not shown it enough at all, but I hated them and with that, I hated myself even more.

The extreme self hate I was feeling for years now, the disgust, the guilt. I wasn't able to deal with it anymore. No one wanted me like this, of course Dream didn't want a boy who got raped. And even though I used the term rape at this moment, I still didn't even believe myself that I was raped.

It was all my fault, just as it had always been. I looked at my phone laying on a small table in the bathroom and heard it buzz. I got called by someone and I accepted the call, only listening quietly.

'Hello, George. It's the police, we wanted to say that Zoey withdrew out of this investigation.'

'I'm too,' I whispered.

'What did you say?'

'I do too, I don't want to talk with you again. Nothing happened, now leave me alone.'

I ended the call and threw my phone away, as I heard Dream standing up.

'Who are you talking to, Georgie?'

'No one,' I said silently. 'Give me a minute, it just takes a while, I'm just sad.'

'Do you want me to come in and comfort you?'

'I'm not wearing clothes.'

'As if that's the most important thing right now. It's more important how you feel.'

'I just want to be alone for a little, please.'

'Oh- okay,' Dream said, he sounded disappointed and sad. 'I'll go away.'

I wanted to scream for him to come back, but he walked off and I heard him go to his own room, closing the door behind him. I felt even more guilty for anything I did in my life. The police investigation stopped, she would never go to jail and would always be free.

I just couldn't continue it, they didn't believe me and that was clear enough. Why would they believe a boy over a girl anyway, apparently the police also discriminated people.

I looked down at my body, I was getting weaker and weaker and I was literally bleeding to death, but I still didn't think it was enough. I hated myself, I hated myself more than I even hated Zoey. It was MY fault.

I let out a scream and pulled off my white shirt which was red now. I looked at my wrist and then I couldn't resist myself anymore. I put the blade on my wrist, putting a lot of pressure on it. I deserved this, I deserved to be gone here.

I wanted to be gone here, I was sorry for Dream and my parents, but in the end. My parents weren't on my side either, it left the biggest scar in my life that they laughed at me when I needed them. I felt mean for not being able to ever forgive them for that. I was sure I was a monster, but still. I just couldn't forgive them. They left too big of a scar.

Even though I loved Dream with all my heart, he was either just faking his love for me and otherwise, he would never want to be friends with me. I would stay traumatised for the rest of my life and I would never be able to really be happy anymore.

Firstly I was thinking of secretly starving myself and not drinking anymore to die, but now I had this blade, it was too tempting.

I didn't even have the strength anymore to write a suicide letter, so I cut my whole wrist open, having blood stream down at the highest speed I had ever seen blood stream down on and then, then I screamed to Dream, just before losing consciousness.

'DREAM, I LOVE YOU, IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT!-.'

I immediately heard him jump up and I looked at the bathroom door which was locked with a smile on my face. It was over now, even though it hurt a lot, it was over. It was better for everyone, even for Dream. No one would believe me, she would never go to jail. I would always be scared and she would maybe even raped me more than three times.

I rested my head on the ground now, holding my arm on my chest. The last thing I heard, was Dream kicking against the door with all strength he had. The door opened with a loud bang and I lost consciousness, finally being able to be free.

1036 words