To The Moon and Back | Remus Lupin's Daughter

9. Realisations - Remus

End of May 1993

Fatherhood is a hell-scape of its own creation. 

something that has become well known to me the past few months. Its been a roller coaster with so many highs and lows that follow in such quick succession there is barely any time to recognise it all. My heart doesn't belong to myself anymore, instead Astra is in  full control of it unknowingly calling the shots every second of every day. 

Thats why this month has been so hard. it's been by far the worst since she arrived at my door. i'm more than convinced this set back has been caused bu the accident at the burrow at the begining of the month. After hearing about her reaction from molly, i'm almost certain whatever memory the weasley matriarch trigged in the poor girl is the source of her nightmares. they've become almost a constant feature of our nightly routines. three times a night, i wake to her pained cries and agonising screams echo through the house. By the time i reach her she's drenched in sweat, trashing about the bed in agony. 

its breaking my heart. she's going through so much pain and i have no idea how to stop it. no idea how to protect her. i feel like i'm failing her. 

i'm constantly exhausted from staying up most of the night listening out for her, praying to what ever deity or cosmic engery is out there to let her have a restful night. not evening calming draughts or sleepless dream draught molly sent over have worked on her. 

it's caused me to fall asleep standing in work a few times. too exhausted to lift my arms above my head. It all came to head on the weekend of the full moon when after three weeks or so of sleepless nights paired with the added fatgue of the moon cycle, well lets just say my once considerate boss was left with no alternative other than to sack me after numerous complaints from colleagues about a lack of productivity, though i'm pretty sure as always the once who complained had figured out about my condition given the disgusted and heated glares they shot my way during my final shifts at the book store. 

only this time word about my condition spread once again among wizarding circles, i'd be hard pinned to find a new job for months. every place i went to turned me away at the door. 

I was breaking. more so than i had in years, i felt like any progress id made in my life since lossing my family and gaining a new on in Astra, well i felt it had all slipped through my figures and i was right back where i was all those years ago when i came home from my sint with some eurpoen packs to find that James and lily had been killed, Harry was take away from me, and Peter was murdered by the man i once loved. I was back sobbing on the bathroom floor in the middle of the night, only this time praying i wasn't too loud, i didn't want Astra to see me life this. She needed me to be strong for her. she needed someone whole in her life to cherish her and love her, but no she was stuck with me. A father who despite how hard i've tried, i still don't know my daughter, i don't know how to help her. i barely know how to help myself. 

so that's where we are, crying in the bathroom the night before the full moon, wallowing in self pity while my pup is probably tossing and turning in the cusp of an other nightmare. 

How did James and Lily manage with Harry, the sleepless nights when he was just a baby? they seemed to take it in his stride. James always knew what the child was fussing about, like they were on the same wave length and lily was just the same if not better with the infant. They made it look easy but it isn't. I should have been past the hard stages surely? there was no midnight feedings or diaper changes needed with Astra, I'd missed that stage of her life. yet looking at myself in the mirror, the bags under my eyes where so deep they were almost black. My face was pale and flushed of any colour. My hair tossed from grasping at it in tear-filled frustration. i looked like ive been dragged through a battle field. James and Lily never seemed this tired. Neither did Molly and she had seven kids to raise and worry about, here i am failing at looking after one.