𝙋𝙤𝙬𝙚𝙧 ᵈʳᵉᵃᵐˢᵐᵖ DISCONTINUED

GHOSTS I

Nine | Ghosts I

ᴊsᴄʜʟᴀᴛᴛ
ᴍᴀɴʏ ᴅᴀʏs ᴀɢᴏ

I was cold. Very, very cold. I think I was standing in some sort of water, or something that just stayed freezing cold. It came up to my calf, and I couldn't see a way out. I couldn't see hardly anything really, just a pit of black, and it always smelt like alcohol and smoke.

This isn't real, right? This isn't what awaited me on the other side, surely not..

Right?

"Hello?" I call out for what seemed like the tenth time, the fiftieth. I don't know how long, or why I was here. I was alone in the dark, and no one was coming to help me from the looks of it. I was stuck in a pit of just dark, and cold. There was no one here, I don't know why I try to call to someone, as if someone or something would answer.

No one ever did.

But maybe, if I keep trying, if I keep calling out, maybe someone will hear. Maybe someone will see that I am here, and I need help.

Maybe someone will save me from, from wherever this is..

"HELLO?!" I call again, against my better judgement. I felt my hands slowly becoming numb from the cold. I had lost feeling in my feet many of hours ago, maybe it was days. I don't remember anymore, lost count and never tried to start again. last I checked, or last I remembered, It has been 8760 hours since I got here, roughly 365 days, give or take.

I have been alone for over a year now, and I haven't moved an inch it seems.

One would think, that in the time I had been here, I would have forgotten everything, everyone, and went mad. One would think that in this dreadful time, I wouldn't be standing still and would have tried to drown myself, but I haven't done either of those things. Not yet anyways, it wasn't like I contemplated it many times over.

And over, and over, and over..

No, I haven't forgotten what happened, or what I did. No, no, I just can't remember my name.

I remember every sickening detail, every single thought, every single smell and feeling I had, but I never could catch my name.

I remember winning an election, and I remember a beautiful nation. I remember the people I met, some I loved and cared for. I remember the fresh smell of rain, and the feel of flower petals as the sun beat down on my friends and I. I could feel the water rushing over my horns, the hands that followed my jaw to my hair, to my neck.

I remember the smell of fire, and the look of pain on every ones face. I remember the faint feeling of smoke covering my entire body, head to toe. I still remember that voice, his voice. His eyes and the way he held that bow. How he had it pointed at my chest. I remember the hatred In his eyes, and the way his hands didn't shake, or how the smile formed on his face as he shot me. I still remember seeing him on their side, seeing them all on their side. Everyone I ever needed was gone, had left me alone, much like I am now. I remembered my whole life, the good less than the bad, but I couldn't remember my name.

I remember an arrow, and a shaking boy holding it to my head. I remember many bottles of alcohol, and sad nights when everything just broke down around me. I remember the festival, and the look of terror on a boys face, that look of absolute resentment on a dark-haired beauty as an arrow planted itself right through her heart. I remember the van, and Wilbur Soot sitting with me, keeping me company on my birthday. I remember how he told the blonde boy to shoot me, and the silver-haired woman leaving my body last.

I remember hearing Vienna saying happy birthday, and I remember her leaving. I remember everything, everything but my name.

Who am I?

Although my feet were frozen, and my body was completely numb, I decided to walk forward. I moved every now and then, mostly because I was afraid that if I moved, I wouldn't be saved or found. Now that I had been here for over a year, I realized I wasn't going to be saved or found. I was stuck here, with the progressive knowledge that I was alone.

I lived alone, I died alone, I guess I'd spend the afterlife alone as well.

So I started walking, little by little, day by day. I didn't keep track, or how long I walked everyday, I just did.

I walked, and walked, and walked, and never stopped walking.

I didn't stop walking, not even when my mind plagued me with the never ending cycle of memories, the never ending reminder of every terrible thing I ever did while living. I was haunted by the way I acted to those I cared about, those I pushed away and hurt when I couldn't handle their attention and care. They way I caused so much pain, for no other reason then to make people suffer they way I did, the way I do. I was so over come with jealousy, so enraged by the thought that I wouldn't ever feel the love Technoblade and Vienna had, or be apart of the family Wilbur had created. I never had a family growing up, and I never had anyone to love, or anyone to love me.

So as I walked in the unforgiving cold, the unyielding void, I remembered everything in my life, realizing that I was a monster. A pitiful, unlovable, unforgiving monster. I told myself over and over again that I would fix this, that I would get out of this hell I had trapped myself in. That I would free my body from the prison I had built without knowing, without question. I would be the liberator, I would save myself, I would be good. I would be everything I wasn't. Everyone I could've been, anyone I was, I would never be that person again.

I swear.

Little did I know at the time, I wouldn't save me. Somewhere deep inside my bones, I knew I would never be the one who saved me. Instead, it was a woman with silver hair, with storm blue eyes. They kind of blue you would see in a hurricane as it ripped apart men where they stood, tore them down to nothing more than a parasite, nothing more than a pile of bones. They were the type of blue that was so dark, and unforgiving, that even a small glance into them would lead you into a world of lies, deceptions, secrets. They would either be the thing that you clung to as the night got too rough, or as the storm continued to rage. They would either be the thing you remembered in the pouring rain with a bottle of whiskey in one hand, and a sword in the other. They would either be the reason you stayed alive, or the reason you died for.

There was no in-between, not with her. Not with Vienna blue. Not with the woman who felt too much, or not at all. Who wasn't afraid of the dark, but welcomed it with opened arms, and basked in the attention it gave. Who had felt so much, and didn't have enough time to process those feelings, that she turned to the one thing she knew well enough to understand. She turned to the sword, and the books, and to everything that made sense to her.

But she never turned away, not even from me. Not even after everything I did to her. No, she stayed, and kept me company while I lived again, and felt again. She never turned away.

But, of course, I had no clue that this would happen. I would have to wait another three months until I saw the light in this void, until I felt the sun. Until all of my frozen body melted, and I felt warm again.

I would feel warm again.

𝟷𝟹𝟽𝟿 ᴡᴏʀᴅs
ᴀ/ɴ I'm back, and I didn't like this chapter too much, that may be because it is almost 7am when I wrote this, and have deleted this chapter many times over, but it could just be because I am a perfectionist on things I enjoy :~;

Anyways, I hope you enjoyed, and if you didn't, neither did I :)