BLURB:
Put me down," I said calmly. I didn't like people carrying me. When he ignored me, I tried again.
"Put me down Al"
he ignored me, again.
" Put me down please Al. "
Once again, no response .
" AL CAPONE PUT ME DOWN RIGHT FUCKING NOW"
" Fine, you said so,"he said throwing me on the bed.
Hannah Brown is an abandoned woman, who's parents left her all alone at a very young age. She was bullied all through school and believes her life will always be this depressing and lonely hell hole. That is until she figures out she has to be the assistant to one of the biggest playboys and richest men in the city, Al Capone.
What happens when two people who believe they are completely different turn out to actually very alike?
Will these opposite souls fall in love the way or will her life always be this way?
***
YOUR COVER: (3/10) The quality of the photo used here is blurry and doesn't draw me in. Along with that, having a silhouette of a couple embracing as your cover is a cliche cover used in the romance genre—with many variations of this exact structure used. The font presented on the cover is boring and uncreative. I suggest playing around with more covers, or going to a cover maker on Wattpad.
YOUR TITLE: (4/10) I typed your title into the search bar on Wattpad, and over 60 stories with the exact same title popped up. You probably already know that this is a cliche title, especially considering the fact that in the romance genre, many authors use titles with the word "love" in it; such as Hopeless Love or Unforgettable Love or Loveless Love. The list keeps piling up, and your title is just another version of this structure. I suggest finding a genuinely interesting title that isn't generic, representing your story accurately. Almost every love story on Wattpad is unpredictable; your title doesn't convey anything new about your story. If you choose to find a new title, I suggest searching for repetitive phrases throughout your story, specific people, symbolic objects, or it could be the last few words of your story. You can also look at your favorite stories and see how the authors chose the titles.
YOUR BLURB: (1/5) There were a lot of grammatical errors I've spotted, such as lack of capitalization, missing punctuations, missing spaces, extra spaces, and misused apostrophes. For example, in the word "who's," you're essentially saying "Hannah Brown is an abandoned woman, who is parents left her..." Since you're writing this word to be a possessive pronoun, you should replace it with the word "whose." Along with that, I've noticed that the excerpt you've included in your blurb has nothing to do with the plot at all. While it may convey the relationship between the two characters, it doesn't contribute to the storyline or reveal something that your readers would want to learn about. If you insist on using an excerpt from your story, it should be at a symbolic moment, such as when the two characters first meet, or the incident when Hannah's life took a turn for the worse. Your writing here could be tightened and shortened, and I suggest rewriting each sentence to be the best it could be. The primary goal with your blurb is to show off your writing capabilities and hook in your readers, while writing it as short and as concise as you possibly can. You can always include the full synopsis in your actual story.
YOUR HOOK: (2/5) Upon reading your hook, I've caught some grammatical errors, incomplete sentences, and I was confused between the exchanging dialogues. I'll go more into depth here in your chapter reviews, but I have to say your hook didn't leave the strongest impression on me. Keep in mind that with your hook, you want to start off strong, no matter how small the beginning is.
YOUR GRAMMAR: (4/10) I found a lot of grammatical errors throughout reading your story. There were many instances where your sentences could be separated with commas and periods. You can do more research on commas on your own, but I recommend keeping in mind that commas are used to separate topics within a sentence. Along with that, you have a lot of capitalization errors. Keep in mind that specific people, things, places, or the start of a sentence should always be capitalized. There were many words that have unnecessary capitalization as well, and you were missing apostrophes in certain words such as "cant" and "Ill." There were times you've confused "your" with "you're." I've pointed them out in your chapter reviews, but it's up to you to find the rest. You have a lot of incomplete sentences as well. For example, you'd finish the paragraph with a comma instead of a period, indicating that the sentence isn't over. I noticed that you often separate your dialogue and dialogue tags into two separate sentences. When writing, "'I guess,' she said", this is one whole sentence. "She said" shouldn't be separated into a new paragraph, which I found you did often.
You've also had some dialogue/capitalization errors. Keep in mind that if a dialogue tag (she said/he said) accompanies the dialogue, it is a continuation of the dialogue sentence. This means the dialogue should end in a comma, and the dialogue tag should never be capitalized, as it isn't the start of a new sentence. If an action tag (she sighed, he grinned, they turned away, etc) accompanies your dialogue, it is a separate sentence from the dialogue. The dialogue should end in a period, and the action tag is always capitalized (the opposite of dialogue tags). In summary, if there is a dialogue tag after the dialogue, the dialogue can end in anything except a period, and the dialogue tag should not be capitalized. If there is an action tag after the dialogue, the dialogue can end in anything except a comma, and the action tag should be capitalized.
YOUR SPELLING ERRORS: (2/5) Throughout your chapters, I've spotted a variety of different spelling mistakes, whether they be typos, or misused words, or filler words. I've pointed out a few examples in your chapter reviews, and I found that these mistakes are often repetitive. Therefore, I suggest being on the lookout for these kinds of mistakes when editing your chapters; it's likely that you'll keep finding more.
YOUR PLOT: (5/20) How is your story different from others? You have a lot of clichés in this story. A few include running into a brick wall which also turns out to be a hot guy, finding out that this hot guy is also your MC's boss, the boss turns out to be overbearing and short-tempered, and your MC is dragged to a night out by her best friend even though she doesn't want to, only to run into the boss there. Not to mention Hannah's absent parents. These are all factors that many amateur writers include when writing office romances. I understand why office romances are cliché. The concept is appealing to write about. But I suggest adding in different ideas to make your story stand out. What can you show your readers that they haven't seen before? If you continue to use the same clichés, you probably won't gain a large audience since this is something they've all read about too many times before. Why doesn't Hannah have loving parents? Is it to make her look like she comes from a humble background? There are so many other ways to do this without making your main character like every other Wattpad protagonist. You also included some things in your story that could be offensive to others, including writing that most blond people are dumb. This is a stereotype which is obviously wrong, and although writing Jules as breaking this stereotype by being blond and smart, you still insinuated that she was different from other blond people because she was smart, meaning that other blond people were dumb. Along with that, it was a bit alarming to read about Hannah's boss, especially his reaction to her clothing on the first day. I understand that it probably wasn't appropriate attire with the coffee stains and all, but his harsh anger was border lining on harassment, and some readers won't find that comfortable or attractive to read about. It's okay for the male lead to not be possessive, bossy, and overbearing. Some readers favor sweet-tempered, nice guys. If you want your male lead to be a "bad boy," there's nothing wrong with that. But keep in mind that this can also be harmful, as some readers will end up wanting someone like that in real life; and in real life, "bad boys" don't become "fixed" by good girls. They end up becoming abusers in households or go to jail. When writing your story, always think in different perspectives and try to think whether you're doing your readers good by providing relationships like this.
YOUR CHARACTERS: (4/10) I appreciated the descriptions you've provided for each character. However, I only got the generic physical descriptions, such as body types, hair color, and eye color. These visuals don't stand out to me, especially since many Wattpad writers like to make all their characters extremely attractive. How can you make your descriptions more creative and memorable? Don't describe the color of their eyes, describe the scar above their foreheads from when they were little. I don't want to hear about the body type, rather the birthmark they might have on their ankle. These unique features will make these characters more relatable and memorable. Think deeper past the shallow side of your characters; what are their personalities? Their characteristics are more important than their physical assets, yet I didn't get much of a summary of what your characters are like on the inside. Along with that, I kept forgetting your protagonist's name because you didn't really mention her name until chapter five. Make sure to have other side characters address her as "Hannah" to make sure your readers don't forget, as it's still early on in the story. I didn't get to form a strong bond with Hannah as well, which explains why her name was so forgettable. She didn't have a strong impression on me. All I gathered was that she has a nice body, very attractive yet insecure, and sensitive and a pushover. Is this all that makes up the main character of your story? Try to describe her emotions. When she feels like she wants to cry, what do her tears feel like against her cheeks? What similes can you tie her emotions with? What about when she's ecstatic, anxious, or annoyed?
YOUR VOICE: (5/20) It feels like you were rushing when writing these chapters. You didn't take the time to express your writing capabilities. Instead, you were trying to get the facts down. Hannah woke up. Hannah went to work. Hannah spoke with her boss, then she went home. This isn't very interesting. How can you write each sentence to be colorful and descriptive? How can you hook your readers in? I suggest stopping, reading over what you wrote, and rewriting your sentences to be the best they can be. Make sure to proof-read your work before uploading on Wattpad, as you have a lot of silly typos that every author makes; and these could easily be corrected in five seconds. What about similes, metaphors, and sensory detail? What did breakfast smell like? What did Hannah's nervousness taste like? Tie in these five senses within your story and draw in your readers to stay captivated.
STORY FLOW: (3/5) I found that you struggled with transitioning your story. You didn't know how to get to the interesting parts of the plot, and you have a habit of describing things that don't need to be described. I don't need to read about Hannah taking a shower in every single chapter. You also didn't spend enough time in the important parts of the story. I don't know what Hannah's job as assistant entails. What did she actually do at work? Who did she interact with other than her boss? What is her job like? You wrote as though writing a diary; writing down what happened and summarizing your day. I suggest taking the time to find ways to focus on the important parts, and transition at the unimportant parts. Rather than writing about Hannah showering, getting dressed, and doing her makeup, just write that she got ready for the day. You can also look at different authors and how they transition, and where they transition. With time, your story flow will become more smooth and connected.
So, now that the grading/feedback is over, let's turn the focus to each individual chapter.
1. THE JOB OFFER:
1. "Crap," (p.1). This is a paragraph by itself. Notice that it is incomplete, and you completed the sentence one paragraph later. This is grammatically inaccurate, and the two should be put together like this: "'Crap,' I said loudly..." instead of separating them into two paragraphs.
2. "What the hell happened this time." (p.3). Since this is phrased as a question, unless you're intentionally making it sound like your character said it as a hard statement, you should replace the period with a question mark at the end of the dialogue.
3. "It's nothing I just hurt my toe I'm fine." (p.3). These are three different clauses. One is that your character insists that "it's nothing," one is that she hurt her toe, and the other is that she's fine. These should be separated by commas/periods. Correction: "It's nothing, I just hurt my toe, I'm fine." A better alternative would also be: "It's nothing, I just hurt my toe. I'm fine."
4. "Alright, whatever you say ." (p.5). There are a lot of things wrong with this sentence. You have an extra space after "say," the period should be replaced with a comma as the sentence is not complete yet, and the "Said my best friend..." shouldn't be separated as a new sentence from the dialogue. The "said my best friend..." is not a sentence on its own, it's a continuation of the dialogue. Correction: "'Alright, whatever you say,' said my best friend..." You should also notice that this sentence is useless in this story. While exchanging pleasantries ("Good morning," and "Wow, the weather looks good today!") may be normal in reality, it shouldn't be used in stories. Readers do not read books just to experience mundane, everyday conversations. Keep that in mind when editing or writing in the future.
5. I noticed in paragraph 6 that the sentences in the beginning of the paragraph were awkward and stilted. Read them aloud to yourself, and you'll notice that each sentence is about the same length. That's why it sounds so awkward and unnatural. How can you experiment with your sentence structures to make each sentence sound the best it can be—without following the same structure as the sentence prior?
6. "To this day I still don't know why she had rocks inside of her backpack and she won't bother to tell me, but I didn't care at least, I didn't have eggs in my hair, I was just happy she helped me." (p.6). This sentence is abnormally long. Instead of separating each clause with a comma, look at them carefully and sort out which clause should start as a new sentence. With practice, your intuition will kick in and you'll naturally be able to know when it sounds right to end and start a new sentence. Along with that, you have a tense slip-up here. Keep in mind that you're writing in past tense. You have misplaced commas, as well as missing commas. I also suggest adding in a conjunction. Correction: "To this day, I still didn't know why she had rocks inside of her backpack, and she never bothered to tell me; but I didn't care. At least I didn't have eggs in my hair, and I was just happy she helped me."
7. "She just shrugged like, she did it all the time which I could probably believe.'" (p.7). You have a misplaced comma here, and you have an unnecessary dialogue mark at the end of your sentence. Correction: "She just shrugged, like she did it all the time, which I could probably believe."
8. "Yes Mam," (p.8). The word "Mam" here should actually be "Ma'am."
9. "But one thing different from her than most blondes was she was very smart." (p.8). You're incorporating a stereotype in this sentence, which is that blond people are dumb. This is, as stated, a stereotype, not a truth. As I've written in my story Let's Bring Down My House, "If every blond girl in the world was bitchy and dumb, then we would all be in trouble starting yesterday." I guarantee that at least a few of your readers probably have blond hair, and they'll be offended by this statement. In future writing, I suggest being more mindful of what you're saying, and try to broaden your thinking to see if what you write could potentially hurt someone. In the meantime, this is just an unintentional mistake, so I suggest removing it before other people notice it as well.
10. "It was The fucking boss of Capone industries." (p.12). You have a capitalization error, and this sentence should be part of the prior, incomplete sentence. Correction as a full sentence: "'Okay, you'll never guess who that was.' She didn't let me respond. 'It was the fucking boss of Capone Industries.'" Since the same person is speaking, the dialogue should be in one whole paragraph. Since the "She didn't let me respond" is an action tag, it is a sentence of its own.
11. "He's a fucking goddess I tell you." (p.16). Since you're referring to a man, shouldn't "goddess" be replaced with "god"? You also need a comma between "goddess" and "I."
12. "Jules, you can't just say something like that so calmy." (p.21). You've misspelled the word "calmly." This word is also becoming repetitive, as it was repeated in the paragraph prior to this sentence.
13. "Look I'm sorry ok." (p.23). You're missing commas here, and this sentence should end in a question mark. You should write out the full word "okay." I also don't understand why this entire paragraph is italicized, as someone is speaking, not thinking. Correction: "Look, I'm sorry, okay?"
14. "Shit, I have no excuse now." (p.24). You have a tense slip-up here. Correction: "Shit, I had no excuse now."
15. "I said as she gave me a stupid smirk" (p.25). This sentence is incomplete, you need to add a period at the end.
2. SHOPPING:
1. "Oh and yeah I have a date around 5:30 so we need to get a move on." (p.2). These are several clauses, and should be separated with periods/commas. You have an unnecessary conjunction here, and I suggest writing out numbers. Correction/Suggestion: "Oh yeah, I have a date around five-thirty, so we need to get a move on."
2. "To be honest, I was a little mad, What did she expect me to do there, with no experience." (p.4). You have a capitalization error here, and you could separate the clauses with a period. You have an unnecessary comma, and the sentence should end in a question mark as it's phrased as a question. Correction: "To be honest, I was a little mad. What did she expect me to do there with no experience?"
3. "I groaned but did what she said." (p.7). These are two clauses and should be separated with a comma. Along with that, take notice how commas usually accompany conjunctions (and, but, or, etc). Correction: "I groaned, but did what she said."
4. "We arrived at the mall at 12." (p.8). I suggest writing out the number "twelve." Along with that; paragraph 8 is pretty lengthy. I suggest separating it into several sentences to make it easier to comprehend for readers.
5. "I wasn't really hungry so I stared at the menu trying to decide and didn't really want anything," (p.10). This sentence should end in a period and not a comma. Along with that, you're missing some commas. Correction: "I wasn't really hungry, so I stared at the menu, trying to decide." I also removed the last part of the sentence as it's basically a repetition of the first part of the sentence, just rephrased.
6. "Ah come on Jules, I'm not that hungry" (p.14). You have a habit of leaving out punctuation at the end of a sentence. Correction: "Ah, come on Jules, I'm not that hungry."
7. "Remember the date I said I had to go to this morning well he said he wanted to come a little earlier so I have to leave now." (p.16). You have a run-on sentence here. Correction: "Remember the date I said I had to go to this morning? Well, he said he wanted to come a little earlier, so I have to leave now."
8. "Were done shopping..." (p.18). You're missing an apostrophe here since you're trying to say "we are." Correction: "We're done shopping..."
9. "But ill give you the money, and plus you might need the exercise.' She said trying to crack a joke but I didn't find it funny, thinking she was making fun of my weight." (p.25). By not adding a proper apostrophe to the word "ill," your readers will confuse it with the word "sick." This should also be one whole sentence, so you have used incorrect punctuation at the end of the dialogue and wrong capitalization. Correction: "But I'll give you the money, and plus you might need the exercise,' she said, trying to crack a joke. But I didn't find it funny, thinking she was making fun of my weight."
10. "You know what fine go on your stupid date. but you better give me all the details." (p.26). You're missing some commas here and you need capitalization. Correction: "You know what, fine, go on your stupid date. But you better give me all the details."
11. In paragraph 35, I suggest writing out your numbers. For example, write "six-nine" rather than "6'9."
3. FIRST DAY:
1. "'...you need to start getting ready.' Jules said so loud..." (p.3). The phrase "Jules said..." is not a sentence by itself, it's a continuation of the dialogue. The dialogue should end in a comma and not a period to indicate that it isn't complete yet. Correction: "'... you need to start getting ready,' Jules said so loud..."
2. In paragraph 4, 5, and 7, I suggest you write out numbers. That way, you can avoid looking unprofessional and lazy to your audience.
3. "I guess if I want to continue to keep a home I gotta go to work right." (p.8). You slipped up in your tense use here, and it looks like you didn't complete your thought. Make sure to add a comma. Correction: "I guessed if I wanted to continue to keep a home, I had to go to work right now."
4. In paragraph 13, you have a long paragraph about Hannah's makeup routine, clothing, and how she left home. I suggest you remove the majority of this. I understand you want to give your readers a good visual of what your MC's first day is like, but chances are, most of your readers will skip over this paragraph. They don't want to spend time absorbing information that isn't necessary to the plot. I suggest focusing on the more important spots in your story.
5. "I needed to be there at 9 am sharp and it wasn't like the job was close by." (p.15). Again, you're missing a comma here. I suggest you write out numbers and capitalize both letters in "am" since your readers could interpret it as the meaning "to be" rather than "ante-meridiem" (meaning before the sun crosses the meridian line). Correction: "I needed to be there at nine AM sharp, and it wasn't like the job was close by."
6. "Eye Eye captain." (p.16). You mixed up your words here, you have unnecessary capitalization, and you're missing a comma. Correction: "Aye, aye, captain."
7. "Your late Ms..." (p.33). The word "your" is possessive, and you need to add an apostrophe since you're trying to say "you are." Correction: "You're late Ms..."
8. "'Yes, Ms. Brown you are late, I absolutely hate when my staff is late especially, one the first day.' He said clearly angry." (p.36). You're missing some commas here, you have misplaced commas, and you could separate these clauses with periods. Along with that, "He said clearly angry" cannot be a sentence by itself, because it is a continuation of the dialogue. You have a spelling typo here too. Correction: "'Yes, Ms. Brown, you are late. I absolutely hate when my staff is late, especially on the first day,' he said, clearly angry."
9. "wait it can't be..." (p.37). Here, "Wait" needs to be capitalized as it's the start of a new sentence.
10. "The next time you come late to my office again you'll be fired." and "He said this angrily which made me jump a little" (p.38 & 39) should be one whole paragraph.
11. "... I will give you your work" (p.43). This sentence is incomplete, as you don't have punctuation at the end of the dialogue.
12. "... then i..." (p.55). Here, "I" should always be capitalized.
13. "I'm sorry" (p.64). You need to have proper punctuation at the end of this sentence.
4. I MIGHT LAST AFTER ALL:
1. "This time I didn't have to rush to get up because last night I set my alarm to 6:45, So when I woke up I was able to do one of the only things that calm me down, which was running." (p.1). This sentence is abnormally long. I suspect you accidentally used a comma in place of a period. You should always write out numbers, and you have a tense slip-up. Along with that, be mindful of where to place your commas. Correction: "This time, I didn't have to rush to get up, because last night I set my alarm to six-forty-five. So when I woke up, I was able to do one of the only things that calmed me down, which was running."
2. Paragraph 1 is extremely long, and I suggest breaking it down into several paragraphs so it's easier to read. You shouldn't write about taking a run, taking a shower, getting dressed, getting coffee, and going to work all in one paragraph. Along with that, look for information that doesn't contribute to the plot. What is unnecessary in this paragraph? What is something your readers will likely skip over?
3. "Come in" (p.2). You're missing proper punctuation at the end of this dialogue. Along with that, you ended paragraph 1 with an incomplete sentence.
4. "Just as I caught the smirk it vanished and was replaced by his original unreadable expression." (p.4). You're missing commas here, and you could remove unnecessary filler words. Correction: "Just as I caught the smirk, it vanished, replaced by his original unreadable expression."
5. When you write "brick," you should capitalize it as Hannah is referring to him with that name. Correction: "Brick."
6. "He told me to get him A Chicken taco from the nearest place I could find." (p.4). You have unnecessary capitalization here. "A" shouldn't be capitalized, and Hannah isn't referring to a specific chicken, so "Chicken" shouldn't be capitalized either. Correction: "He told me to get him a chicken taco from the nearest place I could find."
7. "When I went home, Jules still wasn't home, I was a little suspicious but didn't want her to get mad at me so I didn't call her about it." (p.4). You're missing some commas here and you could split this into two sentences. Suggestion/Correction: "When I went home, Jules still wasn't home. I was a little suspicious, but didn't want her to get mad at me, so I didn't call her about it."
8. You described Hannah's entire day at work in one whole paragraph. That's a lot of information to take in, so again, I suggest separating these into several paragraphs. Along with that, try to describe her first day at work in depth. I didn't learn anything important in this chapter, which means it was a filler chapter; unnecessary to the plot. You want to bring in your reader to Hannah's workplace. What is her interaction with her boss? Does she like the work she's given? What about her coworkers?
5. NIGHT OUT:
1. "It's been two weeks since I started working at Capone Industries, And I already needed a break." (p.1). You have unnecessary capitalization here. Correction: "It's been two weeks since I started working at Capone Industries, and I already needed a break." In addition, how is it that two weeks went by and I still don't know what she's been doing at work? You need to write more about the work experience for Hannah, since it's part of the main plot.
2. In paragraph 2, "tik tok" should be capitalized as it's a specific app.
3. "But one day I got curious and started watching it, apparently, It was a mistake because this stuff is awesome." (p.2). You have misplaced commas, capitalization errors, and tense slip-ups. Correction: "But one day, I got curious and started watching it. Apparently, it was a mistake, because this stuff was awesome."
4. "'Hey, Bitcchhh. Guess what we are doing today?' Jules said way too loud" (p.3). You have a capitalization error here, and you're missing a comma. You also forgot to add punctuation to the end of this sentence. Correction: "'Hey, bitcchhh. Guess what we are doing today?' Jules said, way too loud"
5. "Dammit, now I have to go." (p.9). You have a tense slip-up here. Correction: "Dammit, now I had to go."
6. "Thank you so much, Hannah, I love you so freaking much, your the best." (p.11). You used the wrong "your" here, and you have an unnecessary comma. Correction: "Thank you so much Hannah, I love you so freaking much, you're the best."
7. "Yeah, Yeah, I know." (p.12). You have a capitalization error here. The second "yeah" isn't the start of a new sentence, so it shouldn't be capitalized.
8. "Bye babe, ill see you then." (p.17). Here, "ill" should be "I'll" or readers will confuse it as being sick. Correction: "Bye babe, I'll see you then."
9. In paragraph 18, you began rambling about Hannah's outfit, Hannah showering, and Hannah being hungry. These should be separated into several paragraphs. Along with that, I keep finding myself reading about Hannah showering. You don't need to include that detail in every chapter. When describing Hannah's outfit, keep the description short and simple, or your reader will skip over it.
10. "I cant wait to see you in it." (p.23). You're missing an apostrophe here, since you're trying to say "cannot wait." Correction: "I can't wait to see you in it."
11. "since it didn't have straps..." (p.25). You need to capitalize "since" because it's the beginning of a new sentence.
12. "Then I arrived" (p.25). This sentence is incomplete.
13. Paragraph 28 is extremely long. Your readers will probably skip over the entire thing if you don't separate it into several paragraphs.
14. "'I want all the details.' He said in a mock girl voice." (p.35). This should be one entire sentence. Correction: "'I want all the details,' he said in a mock girl's voice."
15. "he laughed a little." (p.38). "He" should be capitalized, as it's the start of a new sentence.
***
I did encounter clichés throughout reading your chapters and was sidetracked by a lot of grammatical errors. If you take the time to brush up on your writing skills and thoroughly edit each chapter, your chapters will be easier to read, and I'm sure you'll gain more of an audience!
TOTAL SCORE: 33/100
Make sure to vote and comment!
Written on 20/27/2020