BLURB:
After almost a year away from his home town, Noah Duvall is making his grand return. He left abruptly, cutting ties with his friends, and leaving things on a estranged note. Now, he's willing to do anything to fix that.
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Set in 1998, a group of boys, once in a band, have become detached with themselves and one another after an unfortunate incident that landed one of them in jail. Isolated from one another, they grow in strange ways leaving the past behind, until they're forced to come together to participate in a contest for their final performance, that will close the curtains on their fading friendship.
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YOUR COVER: (9/10) I like that I could immediately make a connection from your cover to your story. The way the title and author's name is presented is very professional and organized as well. You can definitely keep it as it is, but also think about a variety of colors and font sizes/styling.
YOUR TITLE: (10/10) I immediately got a lightbulb moment when I read your blurb and connected it to your title. It holds a significance to your story, and it was also very symbolic by itself. Well done here!
YOUR BLURB: (4/5) I appreciate that you made your blurb short and concise. It's a quick way to draw in potential readers without giving away too much irrelevant information, and I got a clear idea of the plot for your story. The only problem here is that you have one grammatical error. There shouldn't be a comma between "performance" and "that," but other than that, your blurb was clean and clear.
YOUR HOOK: (5/5) What I enjoyed about your hook is that you showed off your writing capabilities as your priority, and I was hooked immediately. I also got an idea of the setting, situation, and character for the beginning of your story. Your hook was well organized and carefully written. I can see that you put a lot of thought on your first impression, and I'm impressed!
YOUR GRAMMAR: (5/10) The most common mistake I found was with your commas. While in most reviews I've found not enough commas, in your chapter I found too many commas. Commas are used to separate several clauses within a sentence, and oftentimes, you separated sentences so there were incomplete clauses. I've left some examples down in the chapter reviews, but there are so many that are up to you to find. Since the rules for commas are complex and ever changing, I suggest using ProWritingAid; it'll point out any comma errors and explain why.
I also noticed some mistakes with your capitalization and dialogue punctuation errors. Keep in mind that if a dialogue tag (she said/he said) accompanies the dialogue, it is a continuation of the dialogue sentence. This means the dialogue should end in a comma, and the dialogue tag should never be capitalized, as it isn't the start of a new sentence. If an action tag (she sighed, he grinned, they turned away, etc) accompanies your dialogue, it is a separate sentence from the dialogue. The dialogue should end in a period, and the action tag is always capitalized (the opposite of dialogue tags). In summary, if there is a dialogue tag after the dialogue, the dialogue can end in anything except a period, and the dialogue tag should not be capitalized. If there is an action tag after the dialogue, the dialogue can end in anything except a comma, and the action tag should be capitalized. Along with that, you've missed capitalization in words such as "Mom" and "Dad." If there isn't a possessive noun in front (my/your/her/his) of "Mom" or "Dad," then they should be capitalized as referring to a specific person.
YOUR SPELLING ERRORS: (4/5) For the most part, I was very impressed with your clean writing. It's obvious you went through a lot of editing and proof-reading before showcasing your chapters and the hard work shows. There were times I caught minor spelling typos, but those can be easily fixed and I've pointed them out in your chapter reviews.
YOUR PLOT: (20/20) I love the concept you're using here! I can sense a lot of broken friendships, tentative bonds, and nostalgia. It was so fun to read through your chapters, especially since you've incorporated many fresh ideas and twists into your story that I don't normally expect from a Wattpad book. I can see a strong plot, lots of character development, and I got a good feel for your story. Well done!
YOUR CHARACTERS: (10/10) I was especially impressed with how you expressed your main characters here! I normally have a hard time finding differences between characters written by the same author, but I was blown away by how each character was so different from one another in your story. You established different habits, different lifestyles, different expectations, and different personalities. It was like each new character had his own voice, and I was able to connect a name with a character easily. You did a fabulous job in the character development.
YOUR VOICE: (18/20) Just like your characters, I was easily able to see a defining writing style here. Your choice of diction, vocabulary, and sentence structures only added to enhance the experience of reading the story, and your writing voice was well developed and thoroughly thought out. The grammatical errors I've spotted (too many commas) took away from the experience, but if you work hard to fix these errors, your voice will be close to perfection.
STORY FLOW: (5/5) It was clear you knew when to stop a chapter, start a new one, or end a scene. I enjoyed how you didn't feel like you had to use transition words to move a scene along; instead jumping right in without the awkward feeling I often receive with inexperienced writers.
So, now that the grading/feedback is over, let's turn the focus to each individual chapter.
CHAPTER 1:
1. "The walls elegantly curve, wrapping around to create the inner space, like a sculpted piece of futuristic art." (p.1). You have an unnecessary comma here that I suggest removing. Correction: "The walls elegantly curve, wrapping around to create the inner space like a sculpted piece of futuristic art."
2. "Tall beams support an endless array of windows, that let in the glowing copper light of morning." (p.1). You have the same problem here with unnecessary commas. Correction: "Tall beams support an endless array of windows that let in the glowing copper light of morning." If you wanted to structure your sentence so that the comma used was necessary, you could also write it as: "Tall beams support an endless array of windows, letting in the glowing copper light of morning."
3. "Empty rows of scratchy blue seats surround him, with only the haunting ghosts of people, left behind to sit in them." (p.1). The description here is gorgeous, but (as I suspect you're beginning to understand) you have an unnecessary comma here. Do you see the pattern in your writing? Correction: "Empty rows of scratchy blue seats surround him, with only the haunting ghosts of people left behind to sit in them."
4. "A suffocated hum vibrates to life from his feet, spreading through the rest of his body, when a plane takes off." (p.2). Again, you're using an unnecessary comma here. These are two different clauses, not three. Correction: "A suffocated hum vibrates to life from his feet, spreading through the rest of his body when a plane takes off."
5. "The sudden move to New York, forced him to leave everything behind, including his friends." (p.5). Again, unnecessary comma. Correction: "The sudden move to New York forced him to leave everything behind, including his friends." If you carefully read this sentence, you'll notice that "the sudden move to New York" isn't a clause by itself, it's an incomplete phrase. The entire clause would be "The sudden move to New York forced him to leave everything behind," which is why there shouldn't be a comma separating the two.
6. "'Noah,' his mother's voice is taut when she calls out to him." (p.6). There is an action tag accompanying the dialogue here, which means that the dialogue should actually end in a period, and "his" should be capitalized; as it's the beginning of a new sentence. Correction: "'Noah.' His mother's voice is taut when she calls out to him."
7. "She says, it's chic." (p.11). This sentence here is awkward. I suggest you reconstruct it. Suggestion: "It's chic, she says."
8. "When is dad coming?" (p.15). Here, "Dad" should be capitalized as Noah's referring to a specific person here. Since he didn't put a possessive noun in front of "dad," he should capitalize "dad" to let the reader know he's referring to his dad. Correction: "When is Dad coming?"
9. "I get is, mom." (p.22). Here, you need capitalization. You also have a spelling error. Correction: "I get it, Mom." Later in the same paragraph, "dad" needs to be capitalized.
CHAPTER 2:
1. "He sits behind a group of guys, way younger than him, probably freshman." (p.1). You have an unnecessary comma here. Correction: "He sits behind a group of guys way younger than him, probably freshman." While the phrase "he sits behind a group of guys" is a complete clause, "way younger than him," is not a complete clause. Can you see where your mistake is stemming from?
2. "They like to act better than everyone else, because they're closer to escaping this hell hole, and at the center of their clique is Liam, Jackson's older brother." (p.6). You have an unnecessary comma here. Correction: "They like to act better than everyone else because they're closer to escaping this hellhole, and at the center of their clique is Liam, Jackson's older brother."
3. "His sentence fades when he realizes, this guy is already walking away with his friends." (p.15). This comma here is unnecessary. Correction: "His sentence fades when he realizes this guy is already walking away with his friends."
4. "He's late, which earned him a tardy slip, that his parents will love, because it gives them something else to complain about." (p.20). You have unnecessary commas here, and you also have a tense slip-up. Correction: "He's late, which earns him a tardy slip that his parents will love, because it gives them something else to complain about."
5. "'Hand it over,' she holds out her bony and wrinkled hand..." (p.25). Since there's an action tag accompanying your dialogue, it's its own sentence. That means the dialogue should end in a period, and "she" should be capitalized, as it's the start of a new sentence. Correction: "'Hand it over.' She holds out her bony and wrinkled hand..."
6. "As cliche as it sounds, the people who hang out there, are trouble." (p.33). You have an unnecessary comma here. Correction: "As cliche as it sounds, the people who hang out there are trouble."
7. "I'm sorry to bother you, but would you let your brother know he received excellent marks on his mock exam, for the finals." (p.47). You have an unnecessary comma here. In addition, since this sentence is phrased as a question, there should be a question mark on the end. Correction: "I'm sorry to bother you, but would you let your brother know he received excellent marks on his mock exam for the finals?"
8. "Noah looks at him, and takes two long steps forward toward Jackson, locking him in a tight hug, as if it's the simplest thing in the world." (p.66). You have some unnecessary commas here. Correction: "Noah looks at him and takes two long steps forward toward Jackson, locking him in a tight hug as if it's the simplest thing in the world."
9. "He shouts, covering his ears, childishly." (p.106). You have an unnecessary comma here, and it's a repetitive mistake throughout the rest of your chapter. Make sure to go through and find these mistakes, correcting them. Correction: "He shouts, covering his ears childishly."
CHAPTER 3:
1. "'Shit,' groans loudly when he opens it and sees that it's empty." (p.2). You're missing a proper pronoun here. Correction: "'Shit,' he groans loudly when he opens it and sees that it's empty."
2. "Ash pulls into a store called Snappy's and scampers inside, after he parks his bike and locks it in place." (p.8). You have a misplaced comma here. Along with that, wouldn't Ash pull up in front of a store, not in a store? Correction: "Ash pulls in front of a store called Snappy's, and scampers inside after he parks his bike and locks it in place."
3. "The last time they saw each other, was before Ash got arrested." (p.19). You have an unnecessary comma here. Correction: "The last time they saw each other was before Ash got arrested."
4. "His gaze instantly draws to wispy pink hair, that matches the evening sky." (p.41). Most of your mistakes here are frequent and repetitive, and this is an example of another unnecessary comma. Correction: "His gaze instantly draws to wispy pink hair that matches the evening sky."
5. "The comment slips past his lips, before he can stop it." (p.49). Another unnecessary comma. Correction: "The comment slips past his lips before he can stop it."
6. "Running away and avoiding things like this, is easier." (p.65). Unnecessary comma. Correction: "Running away and avoiding things like this is easier."
7. "Without another word, Ash backs out of the parking lot, and leaves." (p.66). Unnecessary comma. Correction: "Without another word, Ash backs out of the parking lot and leaves."
CHAPTER 4:
1. "The frame wrapping around the mirror, is a pale yellow." (p.1). You have an unnecessary comma here. Correction: "The frame wrapping around the mirror is a pale yellow."
2. "It took him a moment to realize, his dad wasn't there anymore." (p.10). You have an unnecessary comma here. Correction: "It took him a moment to realize his dad wasn't there anymore."
3. "Instead, he slams the door on his way out, making the sole family photo, that hides behind a vase of wilting daisies, rattle against the wall, threatening to slip off the rusty nail where it hangs weakly." (p.20). You have unnecessary commas here. Correction: "Instead, he slams the door on his way out, making the sole family photo that hides behind a vase of wilting daisies rattle against the wall, threatening to slip off the rusty nail where it hangs weakly."
4. "... and a fake smile stapled to his lips" (p.21). You're missing proper punctuation after this sentence.
5. "Kyle smiles stupidly, when their eyes meet." (p.28). You have an unnecessary comma here. Correction: "Kyle smiles stupidly when their eyes meet."
6. "Maybe, Strawberry." (p.54). You have an unnecessary comma here. You also have unnecessary capitalization. Correction: "Maybe strawberry."
7. "He built up a tolerance for it, he knew it was something he had to endure, to get what he wanted, to get the attention he craved." (p.72). You have unnecessary commas here. I also suggest splitting this into two sentences. Correction: "He built up a tolerance for it. He knew it was something he had to endure to get what he wanted, to get the attention he craved."
8. "If I don't?" (p.96). It looks like this is something Max is saying, which means it should be a separate paragraph from when Richie speaks.
9. "Practically, every trend mixed into a giant mess." (p.117). You have an unnecessary comma here. Correction: "Practically every trend mixed into a giant mess."
10. "It's a conversation, Max's wants to avoid, but Noah is nosy." (p.119). You have an unnecessary apostrophe. You also have an unnecessary comma here. Correction: "It's a conversation Max wants to avoid, but Noah is nosy."
11. "'Seriously? That'd be awesome,' Jackson beams." (p.156). Since there's an action tag accompanying the dialogue, the dialogue should end in a period. Correction: "'Seriously? That'd be awesome.' Jackson beams."
CHAPTER 5:
1. "Jackson steps out of the hideous mint green convertible, that Noah affectionately calls his baby." (p.2). You have an unnecessary comma here. Along with that, since you're listing descriptions, there should be commas in between. Correction: "Jackson steps out of the hideous, mint green convertible that Noah affectionately calls his baby."
2. "I guess, I wanted to become someone else." (p.33). You have an unnecessary comma here. Correction: "I guess I wanted to become someone else."
3. "Noah's gaze continues to roam the street until, he finds a diner." (p.56). You have an unnecessary comma here. Correction: "Noah's gaze continues to roam the street until he finds a diner."
4. "The vibrant aqua blue walls and bright red sign hanging above the door, catch his attention." (p.56). You have an unnecessary comma here. Correction: "The vibrant aqua blue walls and bright red sign hanging above the door catch his attention."
5. "Before he can finish, Ash grabs Noah's collar yanking him onto his tippy toes." (p.95). Here, you're actually missing a comma. Correction: "Before he can finish, Ash grabs Noah's collar, yanking him onto his tippy toes."
6. The rest of your mistakes in this chapter remain repetitive, all with unnecessary commas. I suggest you comb through your writing thoroughly to catch all of these.
***
I could see a clear, definite writing style! I was impressed with your attention to detail, and I was able to tell the differences between your several protagonists. Your writing is very promising, and with a little focus on fixing grammatical errors, your story will be sensational!
Congratulations! Your book has earned at least ninety points in my review—and therefore will be added to my reading list!
TOTAL SCORE: 90/100
Make sure to vote and comment!
Written on 12/21/2020