BLURB:
"Whenever I close my eyes hard I see a sheen of light. That's phosphenes. I wonder why mine happens to be you..."
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After a series of tragic events left the Connors family in a whirlpool and a truckload of Miley Cyrus' wrecking balls, providence required a great sacrifice of them and difficult decisions were made.
Three years later, all Amare wants to do is to go home and spend time with her family and fiancée but when another thunderbolt strikes obliterating her once more, she's not sure she could survive that fatal blow.
When her roommate offers her a chance to spend Christmas with her family to piece herself back together, she has no idea that the music sensation artist, Jaden Hyder, is her cousin.
The evident attraction is difficult for either to ignore. The damaged do attract the damaged, right?
Jaden Hyder needs a muse for his new album and who better than the only soul albeit scarred, in a sea of masked individuals. He knows that there is more to those fiery eyes, mysteries to unravel behind her words, knowledge in that complicated mind of hers and he wants it all, purely for his music.
Both have been burned, maybe one worse than the other, but will they risk their shattered selves for a possibility of being put back together as a whole?
With math, fame, music, drama and secrets, what could possibly go wrong.
Funny thing, phosphenes that are meant to be never let you blink or sleep.
***
YOUR COVER: (9/10) It's immaculate and professional looking. However, it doesn't have the spark I'm looking for in book covers. It's very basic and doesn't make me want to click on your story. It's already a beautiful cover as it is, and I can see how it relates to the story. There's no need to change it, but perhaps open your mind for consideration.
YOUR TITLE: (5/10) I can see where the title idea came from, but I'm also confused. The first chapter I've read has absolutely nothing to do with it. I'm sure it holds a relevance in another part of your story I haven't read, but Phosphenes is common for everyone to experience, and it doesn't seem to relate with your plot at all. Unless it has something to do with an important incident or analogy in the story, I suggest you look for more appealing and better representing title ideas.
YOUR BLURB: (2/5) I had a hard time understanding your blurb. Keep in mind that blurbs notify your potential readers of your writing capabilities and story plot. I had to reread this several times to get the primary points down. Your blurb is too long, and I suggest that you shorten it. The fundamental idea here is that three years after Amare's life takes a tragic turn, she decides to spend the holidays with her roommate. There, she encounters musical sensation, Jaden Hyder, who's looking for a new muse. Try to keep your blurb short and concise, and tie it up from three-four sentences at most.
YOUR HOOK: (3/5) I like that immediately, you put me into your character's mindset. You didn't start off with a cliche beginning and dived straight into your story plot. There were several grammatical errors, however, and you could improve upon your sentence structures. I'll point them out in your chapter review.
YOUR GRAMMAR: (5/10) I often find that you write in run-on sentences, missing commas. I suggest that you keep in mind that commas usually accompany conjunctions (and, but, or, etc) and separate different topics within a sentence. I also suggest that you do more research on commas on your own to learn the interchanging rules and use a writing site (ProWritingAid) for help. That way, you can continue to learn about your mistakes and improve from them.
Along with that, you confused your capitalization and punctuation mistakes, particularly with dialogues. An action tag (she grinned, he sighed, they turned away) usually come after dialogues, and are their own separate sentences. That means the dialogue should end in a period, and the start of the action should be capitalized to indicate a new sentence. An example is: "'You're beautiful.' Her voice melted like butter." A dialogue tag (she said, he exclaimed, they yelled, etc) also comes after dialogues, and are continuations of the dialogue sentences. That means the dialogue should end in a comma, and the start of the dialogue tag should not be capitalized to signify that it's part of the sentence. An example is: "'You're beautiful,' he said." In summary, if there is a dialogue tag after a dialogue, the dialogue can end in anything except a period, and the dialogue tag is never capitalized. If an action tag comes after a dialogue tag, the dialogue can end in anything except a comma, and the action tag is always capitalized. You make these mistakes often, and I've pointed out a few in your chapter review.
I noticed as well that your story is set in present tense, but there were times where you mixed up and wrote in past tense. In future writing, keep in mind and be aware of what tense you're writing in, and be on the lookout for tense slip-ups when proof-reading your chapters.
YOUR SPELLING ERRORS: (5/5) I was impressed by the lack of spelling errors I've encountered! I can tell that you put a lot of effort into writing this chapter and thoroughly edited it as well. Well done!
YOUR PLOT: (19/20) This story idea is definitely a variation of many other concepts, and I love that you mashed them all together to create a unique plot. I was confused about how the title held any relevance to the actual story, but I was overall impressed. When writing, always be thinking of ways to throw your readers off track. You don't want your story to be predictable. What plot twists can you add?
YOUR CHARACTERS: (8/10) While I enjoyed the personalities you've provided for your protagonist and side characters, I found some personalities to be very shallow. For example, the girls the protagonist encountered outside her room. These types of girls are always present in Wattpad stories and tend to be very shallow and rude. Even though they're side characters, try to add another layer to them. You don't want it to look like any of your characters are shoved in the last second. I did get a sense for your primary characters, and I liked that you took the time to describe how they behaved and how they looked on the inside, rather than focusing on their physical appearance.
YOUR VOICE: (18/20) I loved the way you incorporated your vocabulary and diction choices into your writing, and you had a wonderful way of structuring your sentences and immersing your readers into your story. There were, however, many run-on sentences, and it was hard to make sense of some sentences. You had unnecessary information, excess filler words, and overcomplicated sentence structures. Sometimes, simplicity is always best, and I've pointed out a few areas in your chapter review where your sentence structures could be improved.
STORY FLOW: (5/5) I've only read your first chapter, but you moved along the scene necessarily so to gradually lead to the plot. I appreciated how you began building questions about your protagonist to your readers, and the transitions from one paragraph to another were very seamless and natural.
So, now that the grading/feedback is over, let's turn the focus to the specific details of Chapter 1.
CHAPTER 1:
1. "I should be excited since it is the final day before winter break which means spending time with my family but the bouts of lethargy overwhelming my body crushed any sort of excitement I had." (p.1). Have you noticed the abnormal length of this sentence? You're missing some commas, and you could separate this into several sentences. Along with that, you slipped up your tense here. Correction/Suggestion: "I should be excited since it's the final day before winter break, which means spending time with my family. But the bouts of lethargy overwhelming my body crushes any sort of excitement I had."
2. "Five sets of stairs is not a joke people!" (p.6). You're missing a comma. These are two clauses and therefore should be separated. You've also mixed up plural/singular words. Correction: "Five sets of stairs are not a joke, people!"
3. "And the sound of my water-filled boots squelching on the hardwood floor with my footsteps which annoyed the crap out of me." (p.11). You're missing a comma here, you have a tense slip-up, and some unnecessary words. Correction/Suggestion: "And the sound of my water-filled boots squelching on the hardwood floor, which annoys the crap out of me."
4. In paragraph 12, you have several tense slip-ups that you need to correct. In addition, I suggest writing out numbers to look more professional and less lazy for your audience.
5. "Something hits the floor across the hallway and lands on the carpeted floor with a silent thud but I don't bother looking knowing that my roommate threw her shoe aiming at the intruder's head." (p.16). You're missing commas here. Correction: "Something hits the floor across the hallway and lands on the carpeted floor with a silent thud but I don't bother looking, knowing that my roommate threw her shoe, aiming at the intruder's head."
6. "He passed away when I was eight and growing up was a difficult part of my life but I tended to seek solace in numbers because it made me feel closer to him." (p.22). This is a run-on sentence. Make sure to add necessary commas. Correction: "He passed away when I was eight and growing up was a difficult part of my life. I tended to seek solace in numbers, because it made me feel closer to him."
7. In paragraph 23, there's suddenly a guy helping her. Make sure to introduce him to your readers, because I hadn't realized he was present until that point.
8. "Our room wasn't small but big enough for the two of us - well three if you count Tyler." (p.30). You're missing several commas here, and you have a tense slip-up. Correction: "Our room isn't small, but big enough for the two of us - well, three if you count Tyler."
9. In the next few paragraphs after paragraph 30, you go more into depth to describe the room. This information is not necessary to the plot, characters, or the setting. Your readers didn't come to read in depth about a room, so I suggest that you keep the description brief and interesting.
10. "'No problem,' He chuckles." (p.33). The comma here should be replaced with a period, as "He chuckles" is an action tag; its own sentence. Correction: "'No problem.' He chuckles."
11. "She stares at me worry marring her features as I sluggishly hoist my body onto my bed." (p.37). You're missing a comma here. Can you find it? If not, please feel free to ask me.
12. "'Take time to rest, no one is expecting you to be superman,' her soft voice molds with his light snores in my ears." (p.38). The comma here should be replaced with a period. Along with that, make sure to replace the subject pronoun "his" with "Tyler," as you should continuously mention a character's name from time to time so your readers don't get confused or feel awkward. Correction: "'Take time to rest, no one is expecting you to be superman.' her soft voice molds with Tyler's light snores in my ears."
13. "'You're their family,' She whispers." (p.46). Here, "she whispers" is not the start of a new sentence. Therefore, "she" shouldn't be capitalized. Correction: "'You're their family,' she whispers."
***
I enjoyed reading this relaxing first chapter! You gradually introduced me to your protagonist's lifestyle, and I also got a taste for your writing voice. I suggest that you turn your focus on avoiding run-on sentences, wrong punctuations, and capitalization errors.
TOTAL SCORE: 79/100
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Written on 12/20/2020