Home - Gabrielle Aplin
Cause they say home is where your heart is set in stone
Is where you go when you're aloneIs where you go to rest your bones
It's strange how quickly your life can flip 180. Ever since the clock ticked and this new year began, unbelievable events began happening over and over. From finding the love of my life to be a criminal, going out on dates back to back with strangers. Losing your pet dog you loved like a child... Learning the parents you loved so much and never possibly gave any reason to regret the decision for taking you in to be conspiring against you. Grabbing on the first opportunity to get rid of you. And the strangest of them all, pacing on the woman's balcony whose single decision caused these perfectly placed dominoes to fall one by one.
All because her hippie and vegan crossover looking boyfriend quipped in offering to cook lunch for us. Both Lara and I nodded with tears still streaming down our eyes. I'd headed toward the balcony when Gio called Lara to help him find something in the kitchen.
The sliding doors between the house and the balcony slide open. Lara's small voice greeted me.
"Zara, can I.?" She sought permission.
"This is your house. You don't have to ask for my permission." I said dryly, shrugging my shoulders as my gaze was hooked on the little yellow flower on the flower pot.
"But this is your personal space. So obviously I am gonna need your permission." She said, I turned around to face her. She was biting her nervously, waiting for my answer. Gian says I also do it a lot and look so cute as I do. She was wearing a white cardigan over her clothes to save her from the cool breeze. Our twin-like similarities looked more accurate now.
"Why didn't you try to see me." I blurt, after a moment. As she remained standing under the door frame. If she wants to enter my makeshift personnel space then she better answers me.
There still wasn't any shame in her eyes or regret. She nodded in agreement to answer me, coming out, sliding the door shut behind her.
"You know when I was in school. My clothes used to be similar to this..." She pointed to the clothes she was wearing. "...Only the ends of this top used to be in fringes and instead of these ankle-length jeans I wore shorts and dark lipstick." She added so quickly, the wind would drive her words away with them. But I heard it, I let out a bark of laughter over the young goth Lara.
"Heyyy..." She chided. "When I say dark... I meant dark brown not blue or black." She chuckled. Then her smile wavered like it wasn't even there a moment ago.
"I was in love with Zachary and I thought so was he. My first everything... and then I got pregnant. When I told him he was happy... really happy." Her gaze moved from the ground to look at me.
"We sat on the information for a week. I was two months along without any kind of morning sickness so no one knew... or cared." She added after a beat. "My parents were ecstatic as Lauren was offered this huge internship. She and Andrew wanted to get married before moving in together. So traditional..." She muttered that last part.
"When I told my parents I heard all kinds of things I had been expecting. No parent was gonna pat their daughter in the back for getting pregnant at 16. But what I didn't expect was the sudden change in Zach's behavior. He was supposed to bring his parents to my house that evening, but he didn't. We kept waiting then dad said that we all should go there." Her throat worked down as she blinked away her tears. I press my palm over her forearm in support as she spoke.
"All the lights were switched off like the family followed their daily routine and slept early like nothing has changed. When his darling moms and pops opened the door and said there won't be any talk until we showed them the paternity test." She bit her lip hard as her eyes brimmed with tears.
"What happened then?" I ask tentatively.
"My parents didn't fight. They agreed to have the test done because they thought I was sleeping around. But I needed to talk to Zach. When I did he called me names, accused me of... Even though he was the only guy I had been with. So I stepped back. Just like you, I also had these morals set. Once a person falls from my grace there is no going back."
"And to answer your question. When you refused to see me I backed down. I didn't run. No. You didn't want me and I granted you your wish." She shrugged her shoulders but her jaw was quenched hard.
"Zachary was the father he should have-"
"He should have what, Zara? He was never gonna love you and my parents were loaded. So money hadn't been an issue either." I nodded stiffly, understanding why she took the decision. But I needed to know this one last thing before I leave.
"Was it easy to leave me?"
"Yes." She answered honestly without missing a beat. "At first I thought I will be the one raising you. I had begun to see some documentaries about teen mothers.."
"Then?" I prompted gathering that she is gonna need a little push from me.
"Then I began to show. Everyone in school knew and Zach had somehow managed to hide his face among the crowd and I was alone."
"They bullied you?" I whispered in horror.
"Not exactly." She laughed. "They had been expecting it from me. It was inevitable in their minds. The girl who wears everything black, short shorts, high heels, dark lipstick... you know the drill. The father must be some biker with a rap sheet. They were so quick to judge, Zara." She wiped the tear from her face.
"Two other girls were also pregnant. But all they received was sympathy and pitied glances. Because they look like you." She pointed to my yellow floral printed dress.
"They got sympathy because in their eyes those poor good girls must have been lured into having sex..."
"I knew I couldn't give you the life I had wanted you to have by associating you with me and ruin your life like that. When Andrew and Lauren offered to adopt you I quickly agreed. Because she had always been this idol daughter... Even if you had done something wrong you wouldn't have gotten a single finger pointing at you."
"So, no. I don't regret giving you the life you deserve when I was figuring out a will to be alive. Four years ago, that wasn't the only time I stalked you. I always watched you from a far. The way you dressed, the company you kept. I never would have been able to give you that. When I finally accepted myself with Gio's help and love I selfishly wanted you back."
"I don't know what changed with Lauren but they were good for you." She said patting my cheek.
"I know. And maybe I will find out when I'll see them before I leave."
"You're leaving?" She asked.
"Yes." I sigh, averting my gaze.
"Does he love you?"
"What?" I almost shout making her laugh at me.
"People tend to tighten the loose ends... like meeting their estranged mother. When they fall in love or out of. I hope the latter is not the case for you." She said as we both propped our forearms on the railings, peering at the city sky above us.
"What were the decisions you made?"
"I left my house as soon as I was healthy enough." I glanced at her perplexed, she took a sharp inhale as she said. "The bitter consequences of giving birth at a young age." She whispered, her voice quivering.
"I moved out, worked at a small bar, got paid under the table. I enjoyed learning about people's misery after four shots. Then then I met Gio. He suggested I join a school to learn things properly and get a job. I took months to take his advice. Then by luck, I met him again, he hired me at his place." She beamed, her face looking radiant and younger than 37.
"Now your turn." She said, crossing her arms over her chest leaning her back on the railings.
"We are not that close Lara. I am not gonna tell you about my personal life." I declined gently.
"Fair enough." She said her lips pressing in a thin line. "Just think of me as your therapist." She gave it another try.
"You are supposed to tell your therapist everything." I pointed.
"Really?" She bunched her eyes frowning at me.
"Lara." I whine, laughing at her.
"Okay, sorry. I was just curious. I have to earn your trust. But I will kick his ass if he hurts you." She said, giving me a hard look like she would stand by her words.
"Why do you think he hasn't hurt me already?" I ask.
Her eyes raked over me, she opened her mouth to say something when Gio waved his hand from the other side of the glass door. I was thankful for his intrusion, I mustn't talk about Gian with anyone.
*****
An hour later, after lunch, it was time to bid my farewell to them. Gio left the room to give us some space.
"As much as we want, life is not all black and white, Zara. You coming here is an example that you are beginning to accept things along with their flaws. I am happy for you." Lara spoke.
"You are happy that I am choosing something with flaws?" I asked quizzically.
"I am happy that you are choosing your happiness over your moral that is slowly killing you." She kissed both my cheeks, stepping back from me and my life. Because that's what I had truly wanted now. The one I want is not here.
*****
I had texted Mario to book our tickets for Vancouver to visit my parents' house, instead of wasting time in a long car drive. I could have chosen a flight back home to San Diego but I wanted to meet my mother.
I texted them the time I will be coming there and of my flight back to San Diego. In case they dreaded about me coming to live with them like old times.
When I reached my house mother open the door, she was wearing a loose cotton shirt and jeans. Her hair was in a short bob. Even with the attempts to hide the changes in her body, I noticed that she had gained weight.
The same house help was preparing the dining table as I crossed the room. I let myself loosen up a bit to see their preparation for my warm welcome.
"We were trying to reach out to you on your birthday." Mom began, her tone filled with disagreement.
"I saw your text later, mom." I answer, fidgeting with my dress.
"We thought a lot after you left. We never wanted a kid. But after you left, we realized what we had been missing, and uh... we are trying." She smiled as dad and she interlaced their fingers.
"You're pregnant.?" I deadpan, looking at her tummy to make out some baby bump.
"No, Zee. We are trying. Everything is good, we are taking some precautions regarding my age. We wanted to share the decision with you but you are too indulged in your life." She said in an accusive tone.
Dad nudged her with her elbow. So for his sake, I didn't say anything rude to her in response. "Well, I am happy for you." I say honestly.
Mom quirked her brow and shook her head. Her body language saying that I should be happy for them.
"So, I have a flight to catch. Let's have dinner and I'll be on my way." I spoke over the hurt of me being replaced by a new child.
"Nicholas and others will be over soon." dad said, checking on his phone. All the colors drained from my face. Uncle Nicholas and aunt, Noah's family is coming.
"W-why are they coming.?" I ask dreadfully. Do they want to confront me about what happened with Noah.?
"They come over every week, Zee bear. Did you forgot about that.?" Dad said gently, reading a text.
"Oh..." I could only manage to let out. I excused myself to go to the bathroom but instead, I walked towards my bedroom like a habit to go there whenever things got bad downstairs.
I felt so humiliated at the moment, I had thought the dinner had been for me. I don't know If they will wait for me to leave or allow me to sit with them for dinner. I didn't belong here... I shouldn't have come. I should have taken a flight back to San Diego.
Thinking about it, I opened my bedroom door. And the pain became irresistible as all the air got out of my lung. Instead of finding my room with my stuff inside them, I got a room suitable for a toddler. It was colored in a pastel purple, the spot for my bed was now taken by a white crib, little stars and moon pillows were hanging from the edge. Beside it was a changing table and all the other things meant for a baby. Most of them were still wrapped in shiny cellophane with a bow tie on top. Snooping on some greeting cards I found them to be the gifts of the celebration they had thrown for the announcement.
I have been replaced. All I needed was time away from them and their constant nagging regarding Lara. And I ended up giving up what they wanted. They got rid of me, without them becoming the villain in the story.
"You know I sensed your perfume before uncle told me you were here." I shrieked jumping one foot from the intrusion, clutching the small gift I had been holding to my chest.
Noah walked inside the room and I naturally took a step back.
"Don't flatter yourself, Zee. I am not infatuated with you anymore." He said dryly but the lust full look in his eyes was betraying what he had said.
"They wanted you to join the party they threw for the big announcement for deciding to have their own child. Not a bastard." My eyes almost bugged out of the socket to hear the venom in his voice.
He picked a small box from the table and played catch with it like I am not even in the room and he hadn't just called me a bastard.
I put the gift I had been holding and started for the door but Noah blocked my path, stretching his arms to stop me. His breath fanned across my face, my skin crawled in disgust to have him this close to my vicinity. His lips tucked in a cruel smirk when he found my body went rigid under his close proximity. The past was trying to overwhelm me. His touch, his kisses.
"As I said, Zee. I am not infatuated with you anymore. You live in San Diego, right. I will visit you soon with my girlfriend Remi at the GamesCom next month. She is the best player of the Roman Blizzards, not a noob like you." he said proudly like he had scored big with whoever that girl was. She has to be someone Noah thinks is better than me considering his haughty tone. And I knew how to play video games, I was just not in when began to bring the violent games.
But I reminded myself that I'm not that girl anymore and he has become worse than the boy who had perverted thoughts about his cousin. I have already taken the hardest decision of my life. I am strong. I can do this. So I pushed him with all the power I could gather.
His shoulder strapped with a sling collided with the door behind her him. He winced from the pain muttering curses at me, without looking back I sprinted to the living room.
"Zara..." "Z..." I heard them call after me, but I didn't stop to hear their half-baked lies and careless attempts to look happy to have me back.
I accept they have a new life. A new baby arriving soon. It's high time I become selfish and have my love back in my life. Accept him for who he is and love him fiercely despite everything he stands for.
*****
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