BLURB:
Mazoku was sacrificed in a Satanic ritual and due to that was possessed by a demon with one thought and goal: demolition. Now he regained his part of his mind he has two goals in his mind: restoring his soul and getting vengeance on who sacrificed him. However it won't be easy. Everyone is against him with the turmoil he caused and his nemesis is at the top of the leadership. Mazoku will need his friends with him to get revenge on who wronged him. It's time for the demoniac to burn it all!***
YOUR COVER: (4/10) The photo might draw in the right audience for your story, but it appears that not a lot of effort was put into designing the cover. The cover is extremely important, as it's a first impression of your story for potential readers. The title is hard to read, there's no author's name presented, and you could play around with photo filters, font colors/styles, and more. I suggest you change the cover and there are many cover designers on Wattpad who can help you.
YOUR TITLE: (9/10) I like the title for your story! It suits your plot and gives your reader a good idea of what your story is about. At the same time, I feel that some readers may want to know more than just basing it off a slightly generic title. Is there another title that holds more meaning to your story? You can definitely leave it as it is, but try to think about specific phrases or objects throughout the story, and a better title may come to mind.
YOUR BLURB: (4/5) I was impressed by your blurb! It's short, concise, and there's no unnecessary information presented here! I usually have some trouble figuring out the story from blurbs, but I got a good general idea of your story just from your blurb! The only thing to do now is restructure some sentences and untangle some of your phrases. Some readers may have to look twice at your blurb to make sense of it, so try to break it up into several parts. I suggest separating your blurb into several paragraphs to make it easier on the eyes, and experiment with your diction. What filler words can be removed, and how can you restructure some sentences? When writing a sentence of your blurb, try to think about how to make the sentence as short, as clear, and as tightened as possible. What is the best possible way to present a sentence?
YOUR HOOK: (4/5) While your story didn't start off with a bang, it still brought me into the story, and made me aware of your character's surroundings. I found some issues with your tense, but I'll point that out later in your chapter reviews.
YOUR GRAMMAR: (4/10) The main thing I'm seeing here are your run-on sentences. You have sentences that are over two paragraphs long, and it can be hard for readers to understand it without skimming over it. I've made some suggestions in your chapter reviews, but keep in mind that commas are used to separate "topics" within a sentence. With the sentence, "she ran away furiously tears streaming down her cheeks," One topic is that she ran away. The other topic is that tears were streaming down her cheeks. Therefore, they should be separated with a comma. Correction: "She ran away furiously, tears streaming down her cheeks." With more complex sentence structures, the rules for commas do change as well. This can be confusing, so I suggest that you do more research on your own, or to get a helpful writing site (ProWritingAid), which will point out your mistakes and help you learn from them.
Another thing I've noticed is the punctuation at the end of your dialogue and dialogue tags. Keep in mind that your dialogue can end in any punctuation except a period if there's a dialogue tag afterwards (she/he said), or it can end in any punctuation except a comma if there's an action tag afterwards (she ran away, he grinned, etc).
YOUR SPELLING ERRORS: (1/5) From reading your chapters, I can see that you didn't edit your writing, or did a poor job at it. I caught countless spelling typos/errors, and there were some words that weren't properly conjugated within your sentence. Along with that, you were missing some words to complete your sentence. I suggest proof-reading your work to catch theses errors.
YOUR PLOT: (18/20) I can definitely see where your story is going, so well done! Your story idea is unique and different, and if you work on improving your writing, I'm sure it'll gain a lot of traction. While reading your story however, it was hard to make sense of what was going on. Part of it is because your chapters were each only 1-2 paragraphs long, and it was hard to read and understand each detail. Your writing switched back and forth between scenes until I wasn't sure who was who and where they were. Make sure to methodically plan out each chapter. Make sure your character has said everything that's needed to be said before switching to another character.
YOUR CHARACTERS: (3/10) What I realized while reading your story is that most of the characters you introduced only had a name, and that was it. What I mean by that is perhaps Mazoku was talking, and then suddenly a new character enters the conversation, and I don't know how and why they're there, and you didn't pause to introduce this new character to the readers. Make sure to provide a physical description (but don't overdo it) and describe more in depth with your characters. I didn't get much about how your main character was feeling (fear, anger, etc). Don't be afraid to incorporate your own emotions into your story.
YOUR VOICE: (4/20) I can definitely see some room for improvement here. What I noticed is that you often use ellipsis' (the three dots) quite often when they aren't necessary. For some readers, it may even be annoying. People in real life don't speak with that many pauses, so make sure your characters don't either. Along with that, you need to break up each chapter into a lot more paragraphs. A paragraph introduces a new topic, or a new person speaking. Perhaps Mazoku is speaking, and when the archer girl begins to speak, you need to start a new paragraph. That way, it'll be more understandable for your readers. For separating paragraphs when there is no dialogue, you have to follow your gut instinct. When does it look like you should pause and start a new paragraph? If you look at other stories, you can see how authors have separated their chapters into a bunch of mini paragraphs. Some writers have short paragraphs, while others have longer paragraphs. But the important thing is that they aren't overwhelmingly long, and it'll help prevent the reader from skimming and skipping over parts of your story.
STORY FLOW: (1/5) I've spotted some repetition here. The biggest thing is that I've noticed you wrote "but then" quite often. Is there any better way you can transition? Again, if you read other stories, you can see that other writers have various ways of moving a scene along without becoming repetitive. Along with that, your story transitions were often bizarre, awkward, and out of place. Make sure to tell your readers when a scene has shifted, or when you're focusing on a different character (like the empress).
So, now that the grading/feedback is over, let's turn the focus to each individual chapter.
CHAPTER 1:
1. "That's all there was." (p.1). Your story is set in past tense, which means you use words such as "was" and "didn't." However, you slipped up and wrote in present tense by saying "that's," which translates to "that is." Correction: "That was all there was."
2. "His long, black hair wavered across the wind as his sharp nose started to twitch with a timid taping nose being perceived, he stood up looking at the landscape trying to make out a figure which may have been heading for him." (p.1). This sentence is abnormally long and extremely confusing. You mentioned his nose twice, and I'm not quite sure why. You can tighten and shorten this sentence, and try to separate it into several sentences. Give your actual story the same attention as you gave your blurb. Suggestion: "His long, [ebony/midnight/inky (any stronger alternative to "black"] hair wavered across the wind as his sharp nose twitched. Abruptly, he stood up, [glancing/squinting/staring, etc] at the landscape; trying to make out the figure heading for him."
3. "He then spun around and sprung out of the way as a swordsman slashed his katana in the empty place where the individual was." (p.1). Wait, back up. What just happened? In your prior sentence, by saying "the figure heading for him," you're implying that he's still a distance away, since he couldn't make out who the person was, and that's why he referred to the person as a "figure." Then, suddenly, the figure's a swordsman who attacks him? You need to make your transition smoother here. You skipped some parts. You need to mention how the figure drew closer, and how the main character realized it was a swordsman from the katana. You're also missing a comma in between "around" and "and."
4. "A samurai stood in front of him with an seemingly enchanted blade in his hilt, his armor was basic with a golden tone on it, his helmet was black though covering his hair except for some stray brown hairs near his eyes which were etched with determination looking at the red and guilty eyes of..." (p.1). Again, this sentence is extremely long. It's confusing for your readers, and I suspect many of them will skim or skip over your sentences if they're structured like this. Try to separate them into several sentences. Along with that, keep in mind that the word "an" should be used if the next word starts with a vowel (a, e, i, o, u, sometimes y). If the next word starts with a consonant, you should use "a." In this case, the next word is "seemingly," which starts with a consonant. In this case, "an," should be replaced with "a." Correction/suggestion: "A samurai stood in front of him with a seemingly enchanted blade in his hilt. His armor was basic with a golden tone on it and his helmet was black, though covering his hair save for a few stray brown hairs. His eyes which were etched with determination, looking at the red and guilty eyes of..." Along with that, try to explain to your readers what a samurai is. You can slide in a description as the story moves along.
5. "The samurai sprinted towards Mazoku with fierce energy in his eyes and pulled his katana out of his sheath releasing an immense blast of lightning." (p.1). This is a run-on sentence, and you're missing commas. Correction: "The samurai sprinted towards Mazoku with fierce energy in his eyes, and pulled his katana out of his sheath, releasing an immense blast of lightning."
6. "Mazoku was on the floor, his body steaming as the samurai returned his sword into the sheath and walked towards him saying 'I'd apologize but for what you did you deserve...'" (p.1). How was Mazoku on the floor? Did he hit the floor with a crack, did he stumble to the ground? Along with that, you're missing a comma. If you have a dialogue tag before the dialogue, they should be separated with a comma. Correction: "Mazoku was on the floor, his body steaming as the samurai returned his sword into the sheath and walked towards him, saying, 'I'd apologize but for what you did you deserve...'"
7. "Mazoku whispered 'What's your name...?'" (p.1). Again, the dialogue and dialogue tag should be separated with a comma, no exceptions. Along with that, the ellipsis isn't necessary here, and I suggest that you refrain from using them as much as you do. Correction/Suggestion: "Mazoku whispered, 'What's your name?'"
8. "'You were lucky this time...' He said his body transformed as he tunneled into the floor to escape from the platoon." (p.1). Again, the ellipsis is unnecessary. Along with that, this is one whole sentence. Since there's a dialogue tag ("he said") after the dialogue, it's a continuation of the sentence. Therefore, "he" shouldn't be capitalized, as it's not the start of a sentence. Correction/Suggestion: "'You were lucky this time,' he said as his body transformed. He tunneled into the floor to escape from the platoon."
9. I've noticed that your first chapter is one whole paragraph. If you look at other stories, you'll see how writers separate their sentences in paragraphs; this is for a reason. The main being that when you're transitioning or changing topics, they should be separated into paragraphs. Your readers will have less of a hard time reading your story. Also, keep in mind that you need to start a new paragraph when a new person is speaking. That way, you know who is saying what.
CHAPTER 2:
1. "As the sun started to set, Mazoku walked out of the lagoon looking out and his eyes changing into red shot pupils." (p.1). You're missing several commas here, and you haven't properly conjugated some words here. Along with that, what are some strong verbs you can use to replace "walked" and "looking"? Correction: "As the sun started to set, Mazoku walked out of the lagoon looking out, his eyes changing into red shot pupils."
2. "He started crawl slowly in the field of plants sniffing the smell of his live hunt." (p.1). You're missing a comma here. Along with that, you haven't properly conjugated the word "crawl" to fit the situation. You're also missing commas in your previous sentence, but I'm hoping you'll be able to find them on your own. Correction: "He started crawling slowly in the field of plants, sniffing the smell of his live hunt."
3. In paragraph 1, I suggest you write out numbers. That way, you will appear less lazy and more professional to your audience.
4. I'm noticing a repetition of the phrase "He then" in your paragraphs. If you're transitioning and showing what he does next, I suggest you refrain from using "he then" more than once. What are other ways you can transition?
5. "Out of the blue, Mazoku's demon's arm outstretched itself to attack the masked woman but to his surprise she pulled out her bow in an instantaneous reaction causing a tree wall between the two trapping Mazoku as she took the basket with her." (p.1). This is an abnormally long, run-on sentence. Make sure to separate them into several sentences and add the necessary commas. Along with that, what do you mean by a tree wall? I want you to describe it, and the surrounding scenery. How does Mazoku feel? Don't just write about what he does, make sure to write about how he feels. Correction: "Out of the blue, Mazoku's demon's arm outstretched itself to attack the masked woman. But to his surprise, she pulled out her bow in an instantaneous reaction, causing a tree wall between the two and trapping Mazoku as she took the basket with her."
6. "He maddened dashed." (p.1). You've used the word "Maddened" incorrectly here. I find it often that you misuse words, so in future writing, don't just write down a word that you think belongs there, because oftentimes it doesn't. If you don't know the definition of a word or how it's used, make sure to look it up before using it.
7. "'Your word of honor to rid this blessed land of this deranged danger to the children of our kingdom?' She stated looking at him coldly." (p.2). This is one whole sentence, so "she" shouldn't be capitalized as it's the end of the sentence. Along with that, you're missing a comma. Correction: "'Your word of honor to rid this blessed land of this deranged danger to the children of our kingdom?' she stated, looking at him coldly."
8. In this chapter, I've noticed that you only have two paragraphs, each extremely lengthy. If you don't separate them into smaller sections and paragraphs, your readers will just skip over most of the details. Along with that, keep in mind that you have to start a new paragraph every time someone new is speaking.
CHAPTER 3:
1. "'What a pain...' He muttered as he stood up looking at some the injuries he had from the battle that occurred hours ago with the mysterious archer girl." (p.1). Again, remove the ellipsis. This is one whole sentence, so "he" shouldn't be capitalized as it's not the start of a sentence. This is also a run-on sentence, and you're missing some unnecessary commas. Additionally, I've noticed that you often write as though in a rush, and you either don't properly conjugate or you leave out necessary words. Make sure to proof-read your work before uploading it on Wattpad to avoid these mistakes.
2. In the first paragraph, you used the word "retorted." However, retort means to talk back or justify against what someone else said, and the archer girl didn't speak at all. Hence, you've misused the word "retorted" here.
3. "'What type of person are you? You nearly kill me and then you feed me?' She uttered not looking back." (p.1). Here, this is one whole sentence. Therefore, "she" shouldn't be capitalized, as it's not the start of a sentence. Along with that, you're missing a comma. "She uttered" and "not looking back" are two different clauses, and therefore should be separated with a comma. Correction: "'What type of person are you? You nearly kill me and then you feed me?' she uttered, not looking back."
4. During their conversation, you need to start a new paragraph when someone new is speaking. When the archer girl is speaking, it's a paragraph, and when Mazoku responds, you need to start a new paragraph.
5. This transition from paragraph 1 to paragraph 2 is awkward and confusing. First, Mazoku and the archer girl were speaking, and then suddenly it was the Empress's point of view. I suggest you add some kind of transition to let the reader know. For example, you could say, "Meanwhile, back in..."
6. Paragraph 2 is info-dumping. An info-dump is when you inform your reader of a character's history or background. Here, you've info-dumped at the wrong time. You should only reveal background information when it's important, or necessary to the scene. Along with that, the reader will probably just skip over the entire info-dump, because it may feel like a history lesson. You want your readers to learn these things without feeling like they have to learn anything. I suggest sprinkling these background details slowly throughout your story and let your readers learn one small thing at a time. That way, they'll absorb the information better rather than being presented with a bucket-load of information they don't need.
7. In paragraph 3, you're using a lot of unnecessary ellipsis'. Ellipsis should be used when the character is literally drawing out his/her words to create suspense, and you're demonstrating that accurately here. I suggest just replacing the ellipsis' with commas and periods instead.
CHAPTER 4:
1. "'Utter fool... That's what I was for trusting her...' Mazoku claimed looking down after remembering the past." (p.1). Again, I suggest refraining from using the ellipsis here. You're also missing a comma. Correction: "'Utter fool. That's what I was for trusting her,' Mazoku claimed, looking down after remembering the past."
2. In paragraph 1, when the girl interrupts him, someone new is speaking so there should be a new paragraph.
3. "He sighed turning to her, 'If you didn't interrupt me then you would've known that whatever this is...'" (p.1). Again, someone new is speaking here, so you need a new paragraph. You're missing two commas and keep in mind that these are two separate sentences. The action tag before the dialogue should end in a period, not a comma. Correction: "He sighed, turning to her. 'If you didn't interrupt me, then you would've known that whatever this is... '" In the rest of the sentence, I suggest you remove the ellipsis.
4. "I human like me isn't meant to be in this vice." (p.1). Here, you have a typo. Make sure to replace "I" with "A."
5. "She smiled at him in a condescending way towards him." (p.1). You already wrote that she was smiling at him, so you don't need to add "towards him." I suggest that you tighten this phrase. Suggestion: "She smiled at him in a condescending way."
6. "'Quite a bounty, you can say?' She said revealing the bow she had during the discussion pointing at Ankoku smirking while he scowled at her not moving." (p.1). Here, this is one whole sentence. Can you guess which word shouldn't be capitalized, and why? Along with that, you need to tighten this sentence and properly separate the different topics with a comma, or separate them into several sentences. To add to that, if you don't write an action, the reader will assume the character is not moving. Therefore, the "not moving" can be removed from this sentence.
7. "Akari walked across the fields on his stallion eyes, unexpressive golden suns, searching for any signs of the demon and where he's gone." (p.2). You have a misplaced comma here, and you could restructure this sentence to make more sense for your audience. You've also misspelled "inexpressive." Correction/Suggestion: "Akari walked across the fields on his stallion, his eyes inexpressive golden suns; searching for any sign of the demon." Along with that, if Akari is on his stallion, why is he walking? I suggest you correct this contradiction.
CHAPTER 5:
1. "The first fighter dashed to hit him and cut past his wait cutting him as the blood shot out of his wound and, as the blood drops started to fall, Akari stood up with his katana in his hand as the fighter turned back to attack but he soon found out that he couldn't since he was cut down with his legs falling off leaving the fighter dropped as Akari grabs a sai and soared up spinning like a voltaic typhoon." (p.1). Do you see how long this sentence is? It's a run-on sentence, and there are several things wrong with it. I suggest you tighten, restructure, and separate this sentence into several sentences. You have a tense slip-up in this sentence, and you've misspelled the word "waist." Along with that, I've spotted some repetition. You've mentioned the fighter "cutting him" twice. Correction/Suggestion: "The first fighter dashed to hit him and cut past his waist, blood shooting out of his wound. As the blood started dripping, Akari stood up with his katana in his hand. The fighter turned back to attack, but realized he couldn't since he was cut down with his legs falling off. Akari left the fighter on the ground as he grabbed a sai, and soared up; spinning like a voltaic typhoon." Along with that, can you describe the weapons? A reader may not know what a katana or sai is. You can cleverly describe a definition by describing what it looks like.
2. "He held a second sai onto his same hand then leaped down as three fighters circled him to skewer into his wounded body but then he propelled above them and then projected a voltaic missile down onto them creating a discharge leaving them crisp onto the floor groaning." (p.1). This is also an extremely long sentence. Again, remember to add necessary commas and split this into several sentences. There are several topics within this sentence, and each should be separated in some way. Correction: "He held a second sai in his same hand, then leaped down as three fighters circled him to skewer his wounded body. He propelled above them and projected a voltaic missile down onto them, creating a discharge that left them crisp onto the floor, groaning."
3. "Their battled continued as the ninja spiraled to finish the battle with a high-speed afterimages showing up towering on Akari but then a thunderous roar came out." (p.1). Another run-on sentence. You also have misspelled words, inaccurately conjugated words, and you could add commas and restructure. Correction: "Their battle continued as the ninja spiraled to finish the battle. High-speed afterimages towered over Akari, but then a thunderous roar came out." I've also noticed your repetitive use of "but then." Is there a new way to introduce a new scene transition?
***
I can see that you're a beginner, and I've offered some advice that may help you in the future. For now, I suggest that you work on proof-reading and editing your story, and work on your grammar skills. But you have a strong plot and I can definitely see how you'll go with this!
TOTAL SCORE: 52/100
Make sure to vote and comment!
Written on 12/11/2020