비 목걸이
I'm breathing heavily, feeling tired and the evidence are my eyes having dark circles around it, but I'm inside the recording studio as I wait for the signal of Teddy oppa so that I can finally start singing.
I'm nervous, but I didn't let it show by keeping a blank expression to stop them from teasing me because this is my first time recording a song that's made by me and will be sung by me in front of other people.
When Teddy oppa finally lifted his hands up to show me a thumbs up, that's when I started singing while my hands are touching my headphones as I sang my heart out.
Finally, I'm here. Outside, breathing.
Are you proud? I'm finally moving on, to another chapter of my life.
Even without you, I'm here, still standing.
I wrote my part in the song for about 20 minutes this morning. It was a wrong move because I just kept on puking words without even thinking if it makes any sense, but they all congratulated me for writing wonderful lyrics.
I was actually surprised because I wrote those lyrics having my mother, ex members and my current members and friends in mind. I know it's nothing fancy, but I wanted to let them know that despite being knocked down a lot of times, I'm still here.
And I can't wait to make them proud of what I will achieve. It's hard that I have to let go and lose people to be where I am today, but it's part of growing up.
But, my question was, why do we have to get hurt in order to grow up? Why can't we just be happy always?
I know a lot of people wouldn't agree with me because of my weird mindset, but people can also grow without the need to be hurt by the people they treat as family, without losing important people in their lives and without being torn apart for a lot of times.
I know I'm just a teenager, I know many won't like my ideas, but I've been through so much to the point I just want to rest forever.
I know I'm only sixteen years old, but I just hope nobody would tell me that what I experienced means nothing, because it meant so much to me, because I grew up feeling pain, being tired and being compared everyday.
And I've been judged by being happy by just receiving a simple compliment a lot of times already. But what can I do if I grow up with that kind of environment? It was as if, I was born to be a puppet for the upper people to control me.
Sometimes, I don't even know if the Stella Kim I am today is really the Stella Kim I would've been if only I have control with my life.
"And done!" Teddy oppa said so I gave him a smile before heading out.
"I remembered when you were still a kid, you would always have your tongue twisted whenever you rap, but now, you're really good." he complimented making me hide my face using my hands.
My hands are stone cold, and my legs felt like jelly but despite being nervous, the excitement is there, because finally! I'm here.
"You did that all in one take, I'm proud." Jiyong sunbaenim said before ruffling my hair as I stood in my position, frozen because of what he said.
Wow. So that's what it feels like to have someone proud of you.
It feels weird yet amazing at the same time.
"let's take a selfie and I'll post it as a teaser for our upcoming song," he said and without any warning he grabbed me before I saw a flash coming from his phone.
"But, the company didn't even released an official statement about our song yet," I said, trying to stop him from what he's about to do but he only gave me a small smile before he looked back to his phone again.
"But this is just our selfie. And also, after I post this I'm sure the company would officially tell the world about this legendary song we created. Anyways, this will be your song, it means, I'll be the featured artist instead," he added making me gaped at him, and that made Teddy oppa chuckle.
"What?" I asked as my eyes were wide open because of what he said.
"I'll be releasing my own song soon, but for now, it's gonna be you who'll be in the spotlight." he said before giving me a wink making me feel flustered and that earned another chuckle from Teddy oppa.
If I was my 12 year old self, I would have scolded the both of them, but I'm no longer a kid that's why I'm trying to act professional but this all felt like a dream to me.
Being able to have my own song is something I can be proud of, because finally, I have something to call mine.
And no one can take it away from me, because it's my song. I wrote it, I'll also help produce it and I sang it.
My chest tightened at that thought. After six years of training, I'm now officially having my own song! This all felt like a dream.
Mom, are you proud of me?
"You're only 16, right? And you'll be debuting as a sixteen year old soloist soon! Damn! I'm really old now," Jiyong oppa said making me laugh because he's been in the industry for too long already.
But I pouted with the word soloist. Because I have my members, I might be solo for now, but I'll always represent my members with me.
"That's why you have to settle down," Teddy oppa reminded him making him scoff at the legendary producer of YG entertainment.
"Says the guy who's single too," Jiyong sunbaenim teased and that had me laughing my ass out. They're so weird! They're teasing each other about their lovelife when both of them are single!
"What are you laughing about? Don't tell me you have a boyfriend now, Stella?" Teddy oppa asked, his eyes turning into slits making me want to make a face because I don't even have time to eat on the right time because of our busy schedule, and to think that I'll go and find myself a boyfriend makes me feel weird, 'cause no, I just can't.
"No, I'm too busy for that, and besides, we are not allowed to have a boyfriend." I reminded them and I heard Teddy oppa laughing under his black mask making me raise my left eyebrow.
"Rules are meant to be broken," Jiyong sunbaenim said making me shake my head. If only my life was easy, then maybe I could have experienced breaking some rules. But because I was born to be like this, I have no choice but to abide in the rules.
After the recording session, I said my thanks and waved goodbye. Jiyong sunbaenim even offered me a ride back home but I politely declined because my manager is waiting for me outside with our van.
"How was it?" my manager asked making me smile, because she was very supportive of me ever since.
"It was amazing! I can't wait for it to be released! You'll be the first person I'll give a copy of it" I promised her and she smiled before ruffling my hair.
"I am so proud of you, Hanbyul!" she said making me teary eyed so I shook my head before racing to our van to stop myself from crying infront of her.
Two people told me that they're proud of me. I must be really dreaming. This doesn't feel real, but it's so nice to be praised. I've been wanting to hear that line ever since I was a trainee, and it's so heart warming that it makes me want to cry.
As a trainee, it was never easy for us to be complimented, that's why I get happy every time I am being praised because if I did, it means I did a job well done. People's opinion about me matters to me because I grew up having the mindset that I should do my best so that people would accept me.
And it's weird because I'm not yet known to the public, but they kept on hating me. Yes, despite having the article deleted, some people just can't stop hating me.
Where did I go wrong?
I know it might be weird to some, but it's hard to just ignore those hate comments abut me, because it means I failed as an idol to them. If my mom was here, she would have scolded me for not having a great impact among people.
The ride to our dorm was fast, I didn't even realized that we were already here. I bid goodbye to my manager and quickly went inside the elevator.
When I finally reached our dorm, I was shocked to see a figure of a guy standing in front of our dorm room. Who is he? Is he a stalker?
Fear crept inside me because I already told my manager to go home because I know she's already tired. So now, I'm all alone.
"Who are you?" I asked and I was shocked when he held me close before dashing off to god knows where as he tagged me along with him. I tried to shout but he covered my mouth using his hands.
"Yah!" I tried shouting but he only held me tighter.
"Stop shouting or they'll catch us!"
Wait, what? His deep voice was so familiar to the point I realized that the fast beating of my heart was no longer because I was afraid but because of our position right now.
He had me cornered in one of the hallways of our building, and he was so close, so close that I was scared he might hear the loud beating of my heart.
"Haruto?" I asked in a whispered tone when he finally let me go. He took his mask off making me stare at his perfectly structured face and it makes me want to caress his sharp jaw.
How can someone look so perfect? Even with his messy hair, bare face and baggy clothes, he still looked so perfect to the point it hurts. He looks so good to be freaking true.
"Yes, it's me. So, can we go now?" he asked in an impatient manner making me raise an eyebrow at him.
"Yah! Stop that attitude if you don't want me to kick you!" I warned him but I regret doing that because he stared at me with that intense gaze of his making my legs go weak.
"Let's go, shortella!" he said before gesturing me to walk beside him so I did. But I still glared at him for calling me by that lame nickname he got for me but he only chuckled. Damn, this boy really is something!
"where are we even going?" I asked as I stare at the night sky above us.
But he didn't answer, instead he just continued walking, making me want to scold him for dragging me here with him without any plans.
"Can't we just enjoy the night sky?" he asked, irritated. Wow! He even had the guts to be irritated!
"Excuse me? You took my resting time, and now, you're the one irritated?" I asked, and disbelief is an understatement of what I'm feeling right now.
"While you didn't even made go to sleep for days because I was so worried of you, you're the one who's running inside my head for days now, you're the one who took all my resting time," he murmured something making me look at him but he was just looking at the ground so I just let it go.
"Haruto, I'm serious. I'll go back now. What we're doing isn't safe, you know? You're a popular member of treasure, and if someone finds out you're with me, we're both dead!" I warned him but he only grunted making me roll my eyes.
"I know that it's dangerous. But I asked my manager to help me. He wouldn't tell anybody. Besides, he made sure that he'll take care of any cameras that will surround us if ever that will happen." he assured me making me feel relieved.
Because if other artists might not ask help from their managers, well, it's different for us, yg artists. Our managers are like our parents, they're even more loyal to us rather than the company itself and I think, that's what made us different.
It's weird, but it's true. We trust our managers too much that's why they trust and respect us too. None of the past managers of each groups in YG entertainment even tried to betray us, well, except for Lisa eonnie's manager.
"Okay, I trust you." I whispered before looking at the ground as we continue walking.
But as we're walking, my mind kept on wondering as to why he's doing this. Was this a prank? A punishment from his members? Why was he keeping me company?
"I know you're wondering why we're here," he whispered so I took a quick glance at him before looking back to the ground again.
"I'm doing this because I was worried about you. I read that article, and I know the feeling of being hated for no reason. I just want you to know that they shouldn't matter, Stella. You already proved yourself worthy, Stella." he said making me stop walking.
I was processing his words inside my head and I didn't know how to react to it. All I know is that I'm thankful for what he said, but he doesn't have to do this.
"Why?" he asked, worry was evident in his tone but I only shook my head.
"You don't have to do this, but thank you." I whispered as I play with my fingers, feeling shy when I heard him chuckling beside me.
When was I even shy around him? What the hell is even happening to me? Why am I acting like this around him?
"Here," he whispered so I look at him and I saw his hand held out so I opened my palms and he placed a silver necklace on it.
"What is this?" I asked.
"A necklace, dummy." he teased making me glare at him.
"What I mean was, what is this for?" I asked once more so he chuckled before ruffling my hair making me flinch because of his sudden action, he noticed it and was about to say sorry but I told him it was okay before asking him once more what this necklace is for.
"It's a butterfly necklace. I loved collecting butterfly necklace this month and this one reminded me of you. I know, it's weird, right? But there's a story behind this beautiful butterfly necklace," he added making me look at him, a smile was formed under my mask as I look at him.
"What's the story behind it?" I asked as we're looking at each other's eyes. No one was looking away, and despite the loud beating of my heart, I didn't look away. I wanted to get drown in those brown orbs of his.
"Are you wearing contact lens?" he asked suddenly, changing the topic making me frown but I still answered him.
"No, it's my real eye color. I have hazel colored eyes, I got it from my father." I told him, almost whispering by just the thought of my father but I calmed myself before keeping the necklace he gave me inside the pocket of my coat.
His phone started ringing so he excused himself, so I stood here while I wait for him to finish his call.
As he's talking, I couldn't help but to adore him. He looks cold on the outside, but he's actually very thoughtful on the inside making me want to hug him, but of course, I wouldn't.
Where did that thought even came from anyway?
"It's time to go back," he told me after the call ended. And I don't know why, but I felt a bit sad because of it. It's time to go back to reality again.
"Okay," I whispered before walking back to our dorm building.
Our walk was quiet, and it was also short. His manager came once we reached the building and his manager waved at the guard while we bowed before going in.
The elevator ride was much more silent, but it wasn't awkward. I actually like Haruto's silence, his presence is enough to comfort me, but it makes me sad that it's about to end.
Why am I feeling this way? What even is this feeling?
"But we'll meet again. I still have a story to tell you, shortella." he whispered near to my ear, and then winking once he was done talking before turning his back at me making the butterflies inside my stomach go wild just because of that gesture. It was a like a punch on the gut, but the weird thing is, it didn't hurt in a bad way, but rather, in a good way.
Once I was back to reality, I opened our door and I was greeted by my members who have meaningful smiles plastered in their faces and I know they knew what happened.
Oh well, it looks like I'll be bombarded with questions again.
To be continued. . .