BLURB:
Hi. I secretly got myself a Wattpad account. I can't risk going on here everyday, I don't need monsters on my tail. If my story arounds anything like yours, PLEASE stop reading. Throw this book away. Pretend you never read it. If you don't really recognize it, then go ahead. Continue reading. Please assume that this is all fantasy. But if you feel the SLIGHTEST bit of recognition, stop reading immediately.
Still here? Well, don't say I didn't warn you.
We await you, demigod.
***
YOUR COVER: (5/10) There are four things that everybody needs for their covers; that is essential to their story's success. The first one is obviously a title. The second is a nice photo to go with it. The third is the author's name, and the last one is creativity. Out of the four, it looks like you're missing your creativity and author's name on the cover. I suggest looking at other stories on Wattpad that have been getting a lot of traction. How do these authors lay out their titles? What font do they use, where do they place it, and what about the colors? I took off half points because you are missing half of what is needed. I suggest you play around with the photo. What filters can you add, and how can you lay out your title in a more interesting way? Where are you going to put the author's name?
YOUR TITLE: (9/10) I like that your title is clear, and it draws in the right audience for your book (readers that like Percy Jackson or Magnus Chase, etc). This isn't the first time I've seen a title like this, so I took off a point on originality. However, I feel that you did a wonderful job with finding the right title for your book. Well done!
YOUR BLURB: (3/5) I do like that your blurb is short and concise. However, this is eerily familiar to the introduction of Percy Jackson in the first book of the series. I understand that you gave credit to the author (Rick Riordan), but this is still your story. Even if it's fanfiction, you are writing with your voice, your style, and (partially) your ideas. What new way can you introduce your story? Along with that, it doesn't give away much of the actual content of your story. Your blurb should give your readers a clear idea of a who, what, and where. Along with that, from reading your first five chapters, it looks like the Wattpad app isn't involved in the story; meaning there's no mention of Thea actually using it. I suggest you get rid of the part where she had to get a Wattpad account in secret, because your readers will think that Thea using the app is somehow relevant to the story.
YOUR HOOK: (4/5) Your story starts off with names and feelings, which I think you did a great job at. For readers who have read Percy Jackson, they will have a clear idea of who, what, and where this story starts off with. And even for readers who have no idea who Rick Riordan is, this introduction won't be confusing to them. One thing I'd like to point out is that you have a parenthesis in the beginning of your paragraphs and at the end. I don't know if it's accidental or not, but it did throw me off. The parenthesis is not needed and should not be there. Along with that, you repeated some things more than necessary, such as the phrase: "It'll be okay." I get if your character is just repeating the phrase to reassure themselves, but you also added that Thea "smiled" and then said, "It'll be okay," just like how one paragraph earlier Adonis "smiled" and said, "It'll be okay." Try to not get repetitive with your vocabulary because it can throw readers off.
YOUR GRAMMAR: (8/10) The most common error I've found is your misplaced punctuations and capitalization errors from your dialogues. It seems like you don't quite understand the gist of it. You can do more research on your own, but the basic rule is that your punctuation at the dialogue should vary depending on what comes after it. If it's a dialogue tag "he said, she said, etc" then your dialogue can end in any punctuation but a period, because the dialogue and dialogue tag is one whole sentence. For an action tag, "I walked over... I slammed my hand down..." you can end the dialogue in any punctuation but a comma, because these are two different sentences.
Along with that, remember that commas are used for separating clauses. Think about your sentence as containing several "topics." You should separate these topics with a comma, and most times, commas accompany conjunctions (and, but, or, etc). I've caught a few times where you have unnecessary commas, or you're missing a comma.
YOUR SPELLING ERRORS: (5/5) Excellent job here! From what I've read so far, I found no spelling errors. Just in case, I suggest using a helpful writing site that will catch spelling errors for you before you upload on Wattpad.
YOUR PLOT: (6/20) From chapter one to chapter 5, I didn't sense much originality in your plot. Fanfiction is taking a concept from an original story and twisting it into something new and turning it into your own. Fanfiction is not taking a scene and replicating it for your story. Thea finding out she's a demi-god is exactly the same way Percy found out he was a demi-god. The only difference here is that she had a necklace instead of a pen, and the principal attacked her instead of her math teacher. This scene is almost exactly the same as Rick Riordan wrote it, and it can be upsetting for your readers. There are so many other ways one can be found as a demi-god. Thea doesn't even have to be at school. She could be at home. Maybe she was attacked on her way to the grocery store, and the clerk (Chiron) saved her from the mysterious monster. Do you see how there are so many possibilities out there?
YOUR CHARACTERS: (6/10) From reading your story, I didn't sense a deep connection with Thea. I don't understand her personality, her looks, or her passions. You should try to establish these in the first chapter. You don't want your readers to think of her as a stranger. Take the time to describe who she is. Along with that, I didn't see much personality for the rest of your characters. What about Adonis? All we learned about him is that he was hot, and he flirted a lot with Thea. Is that really all there is to the potential love interest? Try to establish a deeper bond between the two. It looks like Thea was only aware of his presence because he was handsome, and he only flirted with her on the emphasis that she was pretty. Is that how you want to start off this love story between the two? Mutual attraction simply because both were very good looking?
Make sure to have room for character development. What flaws does Thea have? How can she accept and turn these flaws into her strengths? What skills will she acquire on her journey? You want your character to be more relatable with your readers. Maybe she's vulnerable inside, or she feels like her face is her only asset. And what about Adonis, too?
YOUR VOICE: (15/20) You do have a clear voice and straight-forward narration. I could see the wit and humor you've sprinkled in, and I get a sense that this is more of a light-hearted adventure story. If you want to enhance your writing voice, I suggest widening your vocabulary. And read. Read lots of books and see what diction your favorite author uses. How does she/he incorporate descriptive language into their writing? How do they structure their sentences and do they have filler words? There were some places in your writing where unnecessary words were used, and your sentences could be tightened.
STORY FLOW: (4/5) Your transitions seemed smooth and seamless. There were a few spots where I was confused, however. You weren't very clear about their transition from school to the camp. I understand Chiron was the transportation, but you didn't mention a time-space. Was it two minutes? Three? An hour? Along with that, these transitions seem similar to the transitions from Percy Jackson. It looks like they were borrowed and incorporated into your writing. Don't be afraid to use your own creativity. Maybe Chiron hurt his leg while saving Thea, so they had to take the bus instead. Maybe instead of using a magical necklace that turns into a sword to fight a monster teacher, Thea was attacked during the school assembly by her best friend who was a monster in disguise. (Also, why did the principal say, "Cheese"? You need to explain that to your readers, or to include that would be pointless.) Try to make your story different from Percy Jackson (despite it being a fanfiction) because if your readers wanted to read something exactly like Percy Jackson, they would just read Percy Jackson instead.
So, now that the grading/feedback is over, let's turn the focus to each individual chapter.
CHAPTER 1:
1. Like I mentioned earlier, you have some repetitive words that I've caught in paragraph 4. Already, you've said the word "smiled" two times. This is a great place to get creative. There are so many replacements, such as "grinned, weakly smiled." All these small details have the ability to hook in your readers.
2. Again, in paragraph 5, what word can you use to replace "smiled"?
3. "Holly had always been limping around ever since I first met her, talking about cheese burritos." (paragraph 7). You have an unnecessary comma here. By adding the comma, you are saying that Holly talks about cheese burritos every time she limps around. Correction: "Holly had always been limping around since I first met her talking about cheese burritos."
4. "As we walked in, there was a huge hallway, and a mean-looking principal was standing there, calling names." (paragraph 9). First off, you don't need to write that "there was" a huge hallway, because what school doesn't have a hallway? That part can be shortened. Along with that, I suggest replacing "a" with "the" because there is usually only one principal for each school. You also have an unnecessary comma. Try rephrasing this sentence structure. Suggestion: "As we walked in, the mean-looking principal was standing there calling names."
5. Keep in mind that you should start a new paragraph every time someone new speaks. When Thea answers "Yes?" it should be a new paragraph.
6. In paragraph 12, you wrote: "The principal hissed..." If you look closely, that is a dialogue tag. It is still part of the sentence, not a new sentence after the dialogue. Therefore, "The" should not be capitalized. Correction: "the principal hissed..."
7. I noticed that you tend to use a lot of filler words to cushion your verbs, such as saying "was chewing" instead of directly saying "chewed." I suggest you rephrase these to have a better impact on your readers.
8. I've also just noticed how, in the very beginning, you wrote about Thea in third person, then switched to first person. This is completely unnecessary. You could still write about Thea in first person from the beginning, and this will be confusing for your readers since there was no point in switching perspectives like that.
CHAPTER 2:
1. I don't understand the cliffhanger you left off with in the first chapter. I had to go back to see what the last sentence was before starting again in chapter two, so the tension was broken and the build-up was ruined. I suggest that you end chapter one with: "... and the principal snarled, 'Cheese!'" That way, your readers will be wondering why the principal said that, and what it meant in this scenario. If you don't provide enough context, your readers won't really care about what the principal said.
2. In paragraph 6, you switched from past tense to present tense. Keep in mind that your story is set in past tense, so make sure to correct these tense slip-ups.
3. "I ducked with a yelp, and slid under the principal, popping up behind her." (paragraph 7). You have an unnecessary comma here because these are only two clauses, not three. Correction: "I ducked with a yelp and slid under the principal, popping up behind her."
4. Okay, so this scene definitely looks familiar. I understand that this is fanfiction, but generally, people classify their stories as fanfiction if it's a twist on an original story or if characters from another book are used. Using the same scenes from a book, even if you change it slightly, isn't going to bode well for your readers. Fanfiction is when you borrow concepts from another author such as characters, myths, etc. to create a new story of your own. By reading this, your readers (most of which will have probably read Percy Jackson) will find your story predictable and boring. Your readers are looking to find something combining what they love with something new. How can you write this encounter so it's completely wild and different from what they've read before? There are so many ways a demi-god could be found. You don't have to write about Thea's encounter just like Percy Jackson. It wouldn't be realistic for every single demi-god to be found in middle school being attacked by a teacher, then saved by a cyclops. That's eerily familiar to Percy Jackson's encounter, and there are so many other wild ways a demi-god can be discovered. Have fun with it! Don't use the same idea that Rick Riordan uses.
5. In paragraphs 8 and 9, you have an info-dump. An info-dump is writing about a character's background, such as their parents. You didn't need to let your readers know the significance of the necklace just yet; it wasn't important to the scene. I was reading about a principal attacking Thea, and then suddenly I'm learning about Thea's parents. This ruined the build-up and tension of your story, and it looks like you rambled a bit off topic. Was it really necessary for your readers to learn about that necklace now? Couldn't you have waited until the initial fighting scene was over and then have Thea talk about her parents?
6. "When I tried to open the heart, suddenly, the pendant turned into a beautiful velvety pink, and the necklace floated off my neck, and turned into a long, shimmering sword." (paragraph 10). It looks like you're rambling here. These clauses can be separated into several sentences. Along with that, the pendant turned into a beautiful velvety pink what? You described the color as it turned into something, but you didn't describe what that something was. Correction/Suggestion: "When I tried to open the heart, I was startled when the pendant turned into a beautiful velvety pink color. The necklace floated off my neck and turned into a long, shimmering sword."
7. "'Kalliste means very beautiful.' I noted." (paragraph 11). This is one entire sentence, so the period should really be replaced with a comma. Correction: "'Kalliste means very beautiful,' I noted."
8. In paragraph 12, make sure to write out numbers. "10" should be "ten."
9. Again, it looks like you ended the chapter on a bad note. I suggest ending it with the Cyclops actually saying his name. That way, it will hold more significance to your readers now that they actually know who it is. I suggest never ending chapters with an unfinished sentence, because it won't feel like it's finished to your readers, and it'll only be confusing. Cliffhangers are used when you answer a question and raise a new one. For example, something happened. But by ending the chapter and revealing what happened, your readers will want to know why.
CHAPTER 3:
1. "'Not Ch-Chiron, Chiron.' Chiron corrected..." (paragraph 3). This is one entire sentence. "Chiron corrected" is not the start of a new sentence. Therefore, the dialogue should end in a comma. Correction: "'Not Ch-Chiron, Chiron,' Chiron corrected..."
2. Hold on. They were at school. Then, suddenly, Chiron gallops into a small hilly field? Where did the time go? If you want to indicate that they were traveling for some time, I suggest incorporating that into your story, and have fun with it. Maybe for Thea, it felt like "hours had passed as we made our escape, and my fingers felt like blocks of ice against the harsh wind." Then, your readers will understand that they aren't at the school anymore. I'm not saying you should take my example (cause plagiarism issues) but think of your own way to incorporate timing into your writing.
3. "Chiron looked mildly indignant and he slowed to a jog." (paragraph 5). You are missing a comma here. There are two clauses (topics, if you will) in this sentence; one is that Chiron looked mildly indignant, and the other is that he slowed to a jog. Correction: "Chiron looked mildly indignant, and he slowed to a jog." Keep in mind that commas also often accompany conjunctions (such as and, but, or, etc).
4. Again, in paragraph 6, replace the period at the end of the dialogue with a comma because it isn't the end of the sentence.
5. Same problem in paragraph 7. "Chiron confirmed" is a continuation of the sentence, but by ending the dialogue in a period, you are essentially saying that "Chiron confirmed" is its own sentence.
CHAPTER 4:
1. In paragraph 8, make sure to end the dialogue in a comma and not a period, because the dialogue tag is a continuation of the sentence.
2. "You will be staying in the Hermes Cabin, until you get claimed by your godly parent." (paragraph 8). You have an unnecessary comma here. Correction: "You will be staying in the Hermes Cabin until you get claimed by your godly parent."
3. In paragraph 12, make sure to write out numbers. "14" should be "fourteen."
4. "'Yessir?' He asked in a low voice." (paragraph 14). "He asked..." is not a sentence by itself, it's a continuation of the dialogue sentence. Therefore, "He" should not be capitalized.
5. I'm seeing some repetition here. Adonis winking once is fine. Adonis winking twice makes me wonder if he has a problem with his eyes, especially if the winking is happening in the same time frame. What other creative ways can you use to express how Adonis is flirting with Thea?
6. In paragraph 26, you have the wrong punctuation at the end of your dialogue sentence. "I had to force the stutter out of my voice" is an action tag that comes after your dialogue. It's not part of the sentence, so your dialogue should end in a period and not a comma.
7. "He grinned, and walked over to a lake, telling interesting facts about it." (paragraph 27). You have an unnecessary comma here. Correction: "He grinned and walked over to a lake, telling interesting facts about it." Along with that, how can you rephrase "telling interesting facts about it"? It's a little awkward.
8. In paragraph 35, "He" should not be capitalized because it isn't the start of a new sentence.
9. In paragraph 37, you have a long info-dump. Is it really necessary for your readers to learn about this here? Is it necessary to the scene right there and then? The answer is probably "no." Along with that, you should probably assume that your readers have read Percy Jackson. It's a good idea to refresh their minds, but you should think of a more creative way to do it. Clumping it all in one paragraph makes it hard for your readers to comprehend and understand, and they most likely won't take the time to read it through.
10. Also remember to write out numbers throughout this chapter.
CHAPTER 5:
1. "A beautiful, gorgeous young woman with curly, silky brown hair, was facing a door, her face drawn with sadness." (paragraph 1). You have an unnecessary comma here. Along with that, "beautiful" and "gorgeous" are synonyms; you are repeating the same thing twice. What new adjective can you use that adds to the woman's character without repeating the same thing? Along with that, I can see you've tried to make this descriptive with your adjectives. Still, this description is weak and very generic. Brown hair is common. Beautiful brown hair is common. How can you make hers different? Maybe instead of brown, her hair was "hazel," or "chestnut." And how was she beautiful? This is a cliche and generic description. Your readers want a good visualisation, especially since beauty is subjective. How is the woman beautiful?
2. In paragraph 3, you have an unnecessary comma. Correction: "Her voice was velvety and silky like pure glass, filled with sadness." Can you also see how I've tightened this sentence? It also looks like you've used the word "velvety" in your first chapter. Most readers will breeze past this, but what other new word can you use to enhance the reading experience? Try to look for more vocabulary words and avoid repetition.
3. In paragraph 4, make sure to write out numbers to look more professional.
4. "'Althea, my precious fleur, I'm so sorry...' She whispered..." (paragraph 5). This is one whole sentence, so "she" should not be capitalized. Also, I'm pretty sure Aphrodite isn't French. Can't you just say "flower" instead of "fleur?" It looks out of place here and randomly inserted.
5. "'I must.' She repeated..." (paragraph 7). Again, this is one whole sentence. "She repeated" is a continuation of the dialogue sentence, so there shouldn't be any capitalization here. The dialogue should end in a comma, and not a period as well. Correction: "'I must,' she repeated..."
6. "She repeated, and let go of his hand, and turned out, walking straight out the door." (paragraph 7). How can you rephrase this sentence so "and" isn't repetitive? Along with that, you have an unnecessary comma here. "She repeated and let go of his hand, walking straight out the door." Can you see how I've tightened this sentence?
7. Look at paragraph 9 carefully. Keep in mind that dialogue tags are part of the dialogue sentence, so they should not be capitalized, and the dialogue shouldn't end in a period.
8. You have the same problem in paragraph 11. Can you find it?
9. You have the same problem in your last paragraph. Check your chapters thoroughly. This is the most frequent mistake I've spotted through looking at your writing.
***
From looking at your chapters, I can see that you have a lot of potential! You're so close, but there are still a few things in the way of your writing. I suggest turning your focus to originality. Even if it's fanfiction, I found the events unfolding too similar to Percy Jackson to enjoy it. I've also spotted some grammar issues, but I'm sure that with a little work, those can be fixed.
TOTAL SCORE: 65/100
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Written on 11/29/2020