Summary of why I write this book.... And little bit about why, I won't quit until it completely.... See my life is similar in many way to the cover photo of this book.... In one way it photo of diamond strong and everlasting.... In another it but shattered pieces of a former diamond.... I began writing to cope with K lost.... Up till that point, I merely survive anyway I know how.... See life teach me that the only way to live was to become numb to the pain. And for years, I bottled it up to the point I lost who, I really was inside.... I lived my life, just going through the motions, I told myself that no matter what happened it didn't matter. Cause I couldn't let it mean anything, or it slowly destroyed me from the inside out.... For year, I was merely shadow living among everyone else.... My demons began when I was merely 7-8 years old.... I unknown witnessed my older brother beaten by the police of are little town.... And I say beaten cause their no other word to describe or do it justice of what went down that day. That day I developed PTSD and no matter how much time passed everything is like it just happened only yesterday.... See I never told anyone what I saw that day.... At the time, I was scared that the individual involved would come back and do the same to me.... Until that day I never know what it was like to know true fear. To realized that the person meant to protect and serve were just as dangerous as anyone else. Over time I was able to overlook what happened and resume my life as if nothing happened.... Not, cause it hadn't effect me but cause I need to find a way to keep moving forward.... In first grade, I keep my head down, and try my best to become a shadow. Seen but, easy forgotten cause that really the only way some like me could survive the bullies. Yeah, you might say I coward but I don't really care. Cause at the end of the day, I alive and that all that matters to me. My first fight were at the hand of fellow classmates.... I still don't know what it was they wanted to do to me that day. All that I know, is when push comes to shove I'm capable of doing anything it needed to survive. Others might say, what danger was I in at school. The danger was real, cause no group of boys corner a girl just to chat about the weather. Especially after put their hands on her, it was fight or flight... And, I not shame of doing a bit of both, cause I wasn't trying to prove anything to anyone.... The damage at their hand scar me turning me until someone I didn't know.... Someone damage, someone a little darker in a sense someone idol for that bastard.... See life had made me up till that point a perfect victim for people like him. Funny in sense what help me survive him was the same reason that made me so applying to him from the start.... If you ever been life or death situation then you know what I talking about. So where my fight or flight response when into hyper drive.... Making me hyper aware of the situation at hand, if I needed to fight to survive then everything became super clam like somehow everything was in slow motion..... Ever emotion was absence but the deep desire to stay alive.... Every instincts in my body, force me to focus on him and try to finding any minor mistakes on his part to escape. I remember, grazing my knee on the metal my mother use to hold up the wall.... But, that was after the fact cause I was focus on escape his grab. I was so scared of him at the time.... I just want to flee far away, that I end up trap myself. See I know he want to corner me, for ever two step I took back.... He seem to took two step forward, my instincts scream at me if I didn't do something soon I was a goner. So i dove for the table thinking it would save me, but it trap me instead cause now I only had two options left to escape. The wall was at my back, I either make break and crawl to my brother room and somehow hope he there or make for mine and mother and sisters room and run to my other brother and out the front door. My house was built weird it had three door that lead out but two were block. Either by bed or couch and you need to go through other rooms to get to your. And cause I was in the kitchen I needed too past two rooms to get to the front door.... Cause I didn't have time to move the things block the other door's. Have you ever seen snake that play with it food, then you know how I felt. Every time I moved little out of the table or stayed still he try to grab me. Somehow unsteady been scared like I'm when reliving it. I was clam, my body moved on pure instincts try to find any way to escape. When I saw my chance, i took it and didn't let anything stop me. When I pass into mine and mother and sisters room. I saw my little sister and his daughter.... My vision became solely force on get to her and nothing else. She demanded I play with her and I shamely stuck to her for the rest of the day. To scared, to move away for fear he try again.... It wasn't the first he tried to get me but it was the first time he forceful tried too. The first time, he tried to trick one of my older brother to leave me alone with him. I had Waring bell before about him so I know firsthand what he was doing.... Before him I trust my instincts cause without them I won't have survive being bullied. If something scream danger to me, I know to be on my guard. And avoid the thing like the plague, I know for whatever reason I won't like being alone with him. So I played on my brother disables knowing first hand that was the only way to keep him there. I not pride of it but I do it again in heartbeat. I was too naive to reason what he want with me, but something deep down told me he was dangerously, then he was fucking dangerous I wasn't going to believe otherwise. No matter what anyone says cause my instincts have never been wrong. I was scared, to tell anyone for fear they believe I was lying.... Then one day he disappeared, don't know why and don't reply care to find out.... I lived with it for years, until the PTSD got to be to much to be ignored. I had suicide thoughts in the passed cause of bullying and life. But the trigger reck havoc on my mind. Making me think I was slowly losing my insane, that the only way to describe it. One phrase, familiar sound or smell instantly throw me back to everything he did.... Every memories I suppress surface like it was happening again. Every emotion or sound, I felt confused my brain to believe that everything, I was seeing was real unsteady only in my head.... I need help, and I know the only way I could get it would be to tell them what happened.... That day, I got the courage to tell my mother but in the end I realized I was on my own. Cause that day, I realized that he rape my older sister and my mother didn't believe her. That day, I realized the only way to survive would be to become numb to the emotion.... To pretend, it never happened to avoid anything that remind me of him. Olivia say it a way for survive to cope with it, the only thing I hang on to was Law and order: Special victim unit.... It help me to cope with it, avoiding any episodes that closely resembles what happened to me. She help me stop blaming myself and reason it wasn't my fault it happened. That people like him are grooming pedophiles that manipulate not only the victim but also their families. I can still see the effect on this family to this day, they believe his words unsteady of the hard truth. Believe he had no wrong doing in what happened to my older sister.... I never hate anyone with my whole soul, but to today this, I remember how he look like the spitting image of pure evil.... The way he seem to take pleasure from my fear and pity attempt to flee his grips.... I will hate him to the day, I died and cruse for his death for the pain he cause this family.... He broke my bond with my older sister cause I was crowded that hide the truth.... The shame and guilty eat away at are bond, cause I was to scared to tell my mother what happened.... For years, I had to bit my tongue while my mother throw insults and downgrade my older sister. I alone know, it wasn't right that he was monster that prey on perteen.... That he was no fucking saint but the devil in disguise. Tell me how could I willing accept any bond with her when I willing hurt her with my silence.... Guilty is a funny thing it slowly eat at you, until one day you can take it no more. I don't know, how many time I hear my mother talk about what happened to my sister.... But, I just couldn't take it anymore the guilt was slowly killing me from the inside out. I told her the truth, screaming I was tired of him be paint as saint when he was the fucking devil himself.... The doubt in my mother eyes hurt more then, I ever admit to anyone. Let move on, some where I forgot the timeline and started only talking about that bastard....
I became numb, after the PTSD their was no way to survive it otherwise.... I became good at realized my trigger even when I didn't realize what was happening.... I know deep down something was causing it to happen.... And, if I avoided certain thing it didn't seem to happen at all.... Being numb can have it own risked, I didn't realized I was slowly sink into deep depression.... Then one day, I find lighting in bottle.... My cousin announced she was pregnant.... I don't know, why it made me so happy it was like something told me.... That the baby would change everything I know of life and love.... All through the pregnancy I did everything, I could do to make her happy.... It was like invisible force pulled me to this unborn child, telling me it was my only chance at happiness.... I always wanted to be loved yet I never allowed it in.... When I held K for the first time, I know what conditional love was, despite her being couple of day old. I loved her like she was my own.... For three months, I was happier then I ever known before in my life.... If my cousin needed me to take care of her, I did it without hesitation.... If my mother told me their were coming to visit then all through the day.... Nothing could stop me from smiling just counting the minute until I could see her.... It was like seeing the sun when you only ever know darkness.... When I lost her, it truly broke me.... It was like part of me died with her, when I find out. Could comprehend what happened one moment she was here the next day she was gone. My faith has been shaken in the past like when my cousin was murdered but never to the point I truly lost faith.... But, that day I cruse god demanded to know what reason did he have to justify take her.... Demanded to know who decided he had the power to play with are lives.... Not once considered what take her would do to us.... In the past I want to die to stop the pain, to find some type of peace even when I know deep down it was anything but real.... But losing her shattered my will to live.... I was lost to the world, nothing matter, no one matter cause I was only shell waiting to die.... In the past, my responsibility or family keep me alive.... I would give and give leave only enough to barely keep me alive.... Trying everything to lessen everyone else load, cause I know they couldn't do it alone.... I did everything to hide ever one of my problems cause, I didn't want them to worry when they had enough with their own to also deal with mine. Everytime I thought of dying they would drag me back like soul chains.... Screaming I need to save them, how could I be selfish to only think about my own pain.... For years, this chained keep me alive despite wanting to die.... But, the chains didn't matter cause I had nothing to give anymore.... I no longer care, to lessen their pain cause I was broken and didn't want to be fix.... See one day, will I held K I asked her if she be jealous if I was to give my love to someone else.... Cause that same pulled I feel when she was in her mother womb.... I felt toward, the unborn child in my little sister belly.... I joke, that no matter what I love her more, cause she was the first.... But, after I lost k, avoid L cause I know she had the power to save me.... I felt like I was somehow betrayed K by being happy.... How could, I act like K meant nothing and replace with L.... I did everything to avoid her to guard my heart from letting her in. Days and months when by and my mother need me to help her take care of L. She guilty me into helping her cause of her age, say she was to old to take care newborn alone.... At three months, I help take of L.... But don't think I let her into my heart.... I help and did my part, but spend no more time then I needed to feed her or change her.... She was one years old when, I let her in only cause somehow she sneak into my heart without realizing it. One day she asked if I was OK, I said nothing and tried to ignore her the best I could.... But, she was one stubborn little baby cause she didn't give up. She keep hug me, and asked if I was OK.... For days she hug me and asked the same question.... Until one day, she hug me unsteady stand their, I found myself hug her back. And, again she asked if I was OK.... I remember tell myself no but maybe one day I would get their.... After let her in, couldn't help but love her.... She truly is pure soul that only know how to make others happy.... Keep writing cause I refuse to darken her light with my black view of the world.... Cause that exactly what each of my demons did to me. They twisted my soul until, all that could survive was the darkness.... I can't even talk to strangers cause my first thought are they dangerous.... If they try anything destroy them, cause nothing going to endanger her.... I overprotect her, according to my family and child can't thrive without the sun.... I can't dim her lights, just cause I'm trying to keep her safe.... I have no right, to force that kind of life on to her.... For years, I try to find middle ground were I could keep her safe and she would still be able to stay ignorance bliss.... Recently my sister move out, after take are of L for five years.... I being forced to stand on my own, to face my demons on my own cause in the past i work to better myself to protect L from the splash back.... But, now I have to do it for me.... Cause, for the first time, Im alone with my thought.... I have no fire to put out, no kid's to help raise.... At the beginning I believe I was losing L cause my sister is seriously fuck Up.... If she doesn't want you in her child life she cut ties no matter how it effects the kids.... Dealing with her is like balance on high rope without safe net.... At any moment you know you could fell and lost everything.... I realized that was only faking being OK.... Cause the thought of not being able to protect L or losing her broke me.... I realized that I had a lot of work ahead to safe myself.... Not for L or anyone else but cause I couldn't stay the same.... I need to started living for myself, I need to learn to be happy by myself.... Cause, I been just surviving but no really living.... Yes, I love L and feel happy when she around, but their day she not around and I have no idea what she doing. On those day, I fight the urge to pick up the phone or go to her house just to see if she safe.... The worry kills me, slowly every dark situation that could happen to her play in my head.... And, it doesn't help, my sister remain me daily her neighborhood is dangerous.... Seriously, ever other day she telling something that stop my heart... Three attempts to kidnapping a child or she believe some break into her apartment.... Or, trying to break into apartment, like on Halloween she saw as creepy ass van disguised as Chick-fil-A follow group of little kids trying to trick or treat.... She called the company and describe the van and they told her that it wasn't one of their.... The driver and the passage had ski masked over their heads. She was on the balcony, watching them.... She called me and told me, cause she was scared.... I asked her if the kids were OK, and she said they stop following them after the kids merged with a group of adults that were crossing the street.... Then the same van went around the apartments complex a couple of time and eventually left after some time.... Seriously over here trying not to kill myself with worry and this didn't help one bit...