"I guess everyone's happy
Can you look at me? 'Cause I am blue and grey
The meaning of the tears reflected in the mirror
My color hidden with a smile, blue and grey"
- Blue & Grey, BTS
~✧☾✧ ~
(Y/N)'S POV
I open the lunchbox and started to transfer it to the dining plate. My phone vibrate and a notification pop up. Maybe it is Yuki, or maybe Yerin who always texts me and calls me. I started to eat. As I eat my mind focus on what I feel.
What should I really feel?
Am I going to continue this?
Or just leave and run from it like I always do?
No one can blame me. I actually envy other people that even though they are struggling in life, at least they have someone who they can lean on to. I know I have Yerin, uncle Jisoo, aunty Hayoon and other people out there. But then, will they accept me if I told them all my secret and all that I feel?
I guess no...
But on the other side, I wish they don't leave me because I can't bear it if they also left me.
I finished eating and quickly wash the dishes. I went to the living room to watch news. But then the living room is kinda messy and looks like they left a minute ago. I cleaned the living room and go to the kitchen to do some snacks and cut fruits.
I sat and watch TV. But then there's no news. So turn off the TV and go upstairs along with the fruit and snacks that I made. I opened my door and get the laptop to watch anime.
Well, yes I'm obsessed with animes and cartoons. It just bring back my little side when I watch it.
An hour had passed...
I heard voices laughing and talking loudly downstairs.
They are happy...
Maybe I should let go?
~✧☾✧ ~
I sat in a grass with the playground in my front. I looked at my back and there my soulmates are.
Smiling to me...
My parents are there looking to me lovingly. They are sitting beside Aunty Hayoon, and uncle Jisoo with her wife and his two sons. They are talking and laughing. The two boys run towards the playground and play with Yerin. Yerin is running and playing to the playground along with the one girl and one boy.
My family and Yerin came to me but then they just passed me and when I looked at my back.....
I saw her...
Happy and laughing
But what hurts me the most is I see them happy with her...
I saw Sohyun with them...
And seeing them makes my world fall
I wake up from that saddest nightmare. I sat and cried again. It's been 16 years but my eyes didn't fail to stop from crying. I thought my eyes will be dry but then it never fails to do its task. I look at the time and sigh
3:00 AM
My body never fails me. I'm tired of all of this. I stand up and go to the bathroom to take a bath since I'm sweating again. I change into black shirt tucked in black short and black timberland. I went to my dressing table and do my morning skincare. After finishing I opened the cabinet to get my mask and cap. But then I saw a letter.
A letter from someone...
I picked it up and put it at my pocket as I quietly go outside my room. I quickly but quietly left the house and walk to the same place I always go on.
I felt sad from what I dreamed. And what's funny is it's all happening. And I can't do anything about it. I sat at the bench and deeply sigh.
"Why do I need to face this kind of life? Why do I always have to suffer everytime I became happy? Why can't I be happy for long? Why I'm always hurt?" I said as my tears are falling down
"It's because you always choose to" A voice said
That voice...
that I longed for
"Geureom why are you here?" I said surprised
"You know I always follow you" He said smiling to me
I just looked at him. I realized that even if I always left alone...
There's always one man that didn't left me
and it's Geureom
And there my tears flow like a waterfall and he hugged me.
~✧☾✧ ~
After half an hour, Geureom said have meeting and he's 30 mins late so he need to leave. When I asked why did he even stay, he said he just follow me because he felt that I'm depressed again. I went to the cafe that I always come with.
"Oh (Y/N)!" Jungha said and smiled to me
"I would like a hot chocolate for now" I said
"It's seems like your obsession to cold drinks is at rest for now" He said smiling
I wish I could smile like he do
He did my order while I sat beside the glass where you can see outside. It is still a little dark but not that dark since the sun is about to rise.
He gave me my order and I thank him. I like the taste of hot chocolate. It gives me the feeling where my parents are alive. I actually love hot drinks especially hot chocolate because Mom always served me this. But after they left, I started to hate hot drinks and started to like cold drink because it describes what I always feel.
But today is different. I want to try this after 16 years to just make myself feel warm. I just wanted to be myself just for this time.
I remembered that letter in my cabinet so I get it took it out and started to read it.
I know you're not here and I wish that you could read it. And if you do, I just want to tell you that I'm upset because of you. You keep me curious about you. There's something in you that I love. It's how you always managed to act real. How you could change my introvert side to extrovert side. How I can share what I feel effortlessly. But sometimes, no it's always... I always doubt that you're really good. It's because you're too good at hiding, much better than me. But hope is still here, I know you're really good, better than all of us.
Why do you even agreed to be with us if you really have bad intentions, right? And the point that Yerin is the one who spoke that time about that time make me more curious about you more. That means that there's something you hide from us. Why do you always defend someone who did wrong? Yes, I saw how Sohyun pulled your hair but don't worry I won't tell it. And if you don't really want to be with us anymore then wait for a while, you're our possible soulmate after all.
P.S: I won't tell who I am, so you need to guess who I am
I guess my decision isn't bad after all....