Her...
I saw someone. I saw him behind my window, behind my bathroom window, staring, observing every inch of my bare body. " You're hallucinating again, Nico. Just stop, no one would stare at you with such desire as he does. " But Max didn't know what it was like, because he was a boy.
My body isn't the most desirable, I'm already discriminated against for the color of my skin, but the way this man saw through me, as if I was nothing but a body, but a woman, it left me a feeling as if my body was just an object for him to use. As if I was a thing. As if I had no other purpose, than to serve him like a dog does it's owner.
I felt the lukewarm water pool underneath my feet as I held on to the towel flesh to my naked skin, staring at the mirror through which I saw him. Were they oblivious? Didn't they care that I saw them?
I tried to make the goosebumps that arose to my skin disappear with a blink of an eye but there was no use. Should I be as nonchalant as he is and just bluntly stare back at him? " Do it, just stare, he won't hurt you, I think. " I couldn't, I was scared. Max wasn't, Max never is ... was.
There was nothing left for me to do, but to stay calm, walk over to the door, make sure it's locked, grab my robe, drape it around my body and sit down next to Bryson and his small bathtub. I was grateful that I had invited Declan over, but the possibility of him not coming, sank deeper and deeper into my thoughts. Max mocked me as he saw my shivering body sit on the ground as he himself sat on the closed lid of the toilet.
I hated the feeling of fear or rather the vulnerability that comes with it, the helplessness, the paper-like feeling of being, breakable. I grabbed a few razors from under the sink and started gliding one along my skin, I saw the man move to get a better look at me. I felt violated and utterly disgusted for being watched without as much as a single sand grain of remorse, they were ruthless.
I started to gently break the blades off of the razor, to place inside my palm. When push comes to shove, I had something to protect me. But something in me believed he wouldn't try to break inside, something even told me, he didn't know I saw him. I liked to keep it that way.
For how long I sat on the cold floor with my bare ass was unknown, Bryson grew tired of the bath and was slowly beginning to throw a tantrum, while I couldn't even look out the window, afraid I'd still see him, observing.
But when I heard the harsh knocks behind the bathroom door, I felt my heart drop, I felt every sense in my body enlighten and Bryson stiffen beside me, almost as if he knew. I pushed him as far away from the door as possible, while I stood up myself. The robe which once was around my body was now draped around Bry to keep him warm. I knew he'd see blood if this was the stalker behind the door.
" Jack, open the damn door. " I had never been happier to hear his low voice yell at me, I had never craved for the sound of it. But when I threw the door open and pure emotion controlled my body, I threw my hand around Declan's neck and hugged him closer than the towel was. He was confused, before he hugged me back, looking at my half-dried hair, rapidly shaking body, and erratic heartbeat he decided not to pry answers out of me, although I knew he wanted to. But I wanted him close to me, to protect me, to be there for me.
After the incident, I placed clothes around myself and By and started making pancakes, without the mention of the incident. It was driving Declan mad. It drove me, because I didn't know how to feel or act. I was just .... numb.
" Talk to me, Jack. Why were you so scared? Did someone hurt you?" He didn't let the situation go. He stood next to the oven the entire time that I cooked. Every once in a while he looked over his shoulder to see what Bry was doing.
" No, I was just happy to see you. " And truthfully I was.
" You're lying, you've never jumped into my arms and clung to me as if I was your last dying breath. Stop playing with me, and talk. " He took a hold of my shoulders and a few months back, to be honest, I would have jumped, been scared even. But having seen a different side to D', the side where he cares for my son and well-being and actually goes out of his way to make sure we're okay, makes me feel things. Have a feeling towards him. Or maybe it's Stockholm syndrome, you neer know with this guy.
" What's your biggest fear then?" At first, I didn't even realize I was the one who asked..
" I don't have a fear." I scoff at that and shake my head. I should have known his arrogant character wouldn't let him admit that he has fears. " Be real with me and I'll be real with you. "
" Perhaps forgetting, although I don't necessarily consider it to be a fear. " He looked like he was remembering something. Reminiscing.
" Forgetting what? "
" Everything." He suddenly added. The boy was afraid of forgetting everything.
" What about you?" He snapped out of his daze. His eyes back on me and scowl on his face, he wanted to know why I ran out of the bathroom and into his arms.
" Too many fears to count. " I answered him honestly. Why should I lie when he never does? " Perhaps being a bad mother, raising Bryson wrong. Ending up alone. Getting caught by the police. Never be given a second chance. Losing, a race, Bryson, or myself. The house. Never graduating. Dying in gunfire. A car crash. Bryson being in the system. Being a disappointment. Ending up like my mom. My dad. Max." He stops me, when he places his hand on my shoulder, I hadn't even realized he got up.
" Well, half of those you don't have to worry about. The other half is up to you." He softly smiles." Who am I to tell you, that you're a good or a bad mom. I'm just telling you that I didn't have one. Bry does. I was in the system, Bry isn't. Make your own assumptions from that." He looks towards Bry as he stares at the TV.
" I saw someone behind the window of my bathroom, later this night. That's why I ran to you, that's why I broke all my razors to provide protection for myself. That's why I was so cold and still wet from the shower. " I shook my head profoundly and felt small tears form in my eyes. In a flash, Declan turned me around and hugged me close, he didn't see my eyes, but I knew, he knew, I was sad. Worst of all scared.
" I-I don't know what I would have done, if you hadn't come here. So thank you, D', for coming, for being here, for taking care of Bry, us."
" It's easy, Jack. No worries. " He tried to look away from me.
" I mean it. Thank you. For always being there, when no one else ever is."
" I manage to always be somewhere where I shouldn't" I laugh at the smell of burning pancakes, while I smile.
" I suppose I'm lucky for that. "
" Go on, you two eat, I'll look around the house and give Shawn a call. Have him install more cameras around here. Give you a bodyguard of some sort. " I nod and let him walk out of the house, while I throw out the burnt pancake.
After I had cut the pancakes into smaller pieces I gave Bryson his plate. I sat in the kitchen, thinking about what Declan had said. About a bodyguard. And sadly there was no one else that was quite fit for the job, no other than he himself. I sat there, waiting for Declan, but he wouldn't show. It was dark outside, scary almost, but I knew I wanted to go outside for a smoke.
When I told Bryson I'd be out, I walked to the front of the house, under the porch light was a small bench where I would frequently sit to have my smoke, this time Declan was pacing in front of it, phone to his ear as he yelled profound words. I'd truly never heard him angrier.
" Piss off! " He declined the call, and I saw the steam roll off his back, as if he was a machine that was overheating. I light my cigarette.
" Are you doing alright there? " I asked, with the cigarette inside my mouth while he huffed towards me.
" Great. " He wanted to walk past me but I wouldn't let him. Instead, I dragged him back towards the bench and sat down, forcing him down with me.
" Be real with me. " I stared at him, our eyes holding one another for a while before he stood up.
" Just screw this. Perfect Cody back at it again, getting everything he desires. It's just handed to him on a silver platter. He just gets everything, without anything to give in return. " He kicks the ground, out of frustration, while I offer him my cigar.
" Best part? - No- I bust my ass in there every single day. I do all the crap, kill the bodies, drag the bodies, bury the bodies. And in the end, I'm the man who has to live with that. I'm the man who has to live with the pain, know the hollow in my heart and he ain't done nothing!"
" You mean to tell me he doesn't do anything? He's the Don, the leader as you say, right? And he doesn't do anything?" He whips his head to me.
" Are you kidding me? He just sits in his mighty stool, under the protection of everyone around him, while he cowards behind us. Hasn't probably stabbed a person before. And damn, he didn't even want to join, I did." He twirls the knife between his knuckles, where he got it from, I don't know.
" You wanted to join the North?" He flips his knife one more time.
" Hell yeah, I did. Small lad, seventeen walked up to the guys and demanded to get a spot. I was pissing myself the entire time and actually admired North. They just laughed at me and-" He stares at one particular spot, deep in thought as he shakes his head. A bang to my soul as I watch the memory drown from his eyes.
" And what?" He puts the knife down, kicks himself back, and crosses his hands over his chest.
" And beat up. They laughed at me and beat me up after I said things I shouldn't have at that time." He looks through the window to see Bryson.
" Why'd you do it? Did you know their rep?" He nods.
" I did. I knew the words that would hurt them the most. And back then I didn't think they were true. Today I speak the same words every single day." I raise my brows.
" Don't you get s*it for that?"
" Nicola, you haven't been here long enough. I always get the s*it. If I'm late for only one minute, I get beaten up. If I say something too harsh to anyone, I get beaten up. If I complain about getting beaten up and want to tell anyone-"
" -You get beaten up." He hangs his head low, his Adam's apple of the display, a pained look on his face.
" You know, It's like they don't want me there. They don't need me there and If I wasn't there what purpose would I serve? Well, I can't say I'm in. But I can't say, I'm not a part of their play, and to be fair, I think I have more blood on my hands than they do. "
" Why aren't you considered one of them?" I take a drag.
" As long as I remind them that I hate the North they won't let me join the Mafia. That would mean they had to tell me s*it that they don't want to tell, it's a whole system." I tilt my head.
" You seem to know pretty much everything. there is" He shrugs.
" I like puzzles. Figuring out, it's easy with those guys. You really think the inner gang is so complex and intelligent that they can't tell me anything about the secrets they keep?" He shrugs.
" It's easy to find the truth shards in between their lies. Like when Marcel beats me up, he always says some smart s*it. April just doesn't know how to shut up and Logan insults me way too much for his own good. Cody wants me to like North. And Shawn is just there." I smile.
" I really like Shawn." He chuckles, a smile on his face.
" I really like Shawn too. He's weirdly nice to everyone. It freaks me out at times. But not like a nerd, I've seen him hurt people. It just. He knows how to divide that s*it." He looks up.
" You know? Like, he knows when it's time to be Shawn, and then he knows when to be Sam. He's two different people, It amazes me."
I wanted to tell him how he changes when he talks about the things he loves. I wanted to tell him that there was the same switch in him that was in Shawn and that he could do the same if he gave it a chance. But perhaps he's just so broken all the way through because no one gave him one. No one believed in him enough to give him a chance and now he's damned.
" Which side of him reminds you of yourself?" He shrugs.
" I guess the bad side. Always everyone's bad side. There's nothing really good about me." He adds quotations.
" Why do you think that?"
" Don't know. Just, everyone thinks that. I mean, if everyone tells you your hair color is blue, but you would never be able to see it, you'd believe them. Wouldn't you?" I swallow.
" Which side do you like more?" Declan starts to laugh, it's melody filling the room. I should tell him how beautiful it sounds to hear him laugh, or how different it makes his eyes.
" I can't do that so Shawn. He's a whole person, I like him both ways. Because even when he's Shawn or when his Sam his full name will always be Shawn Sam Rivers. And I enjoy the bloke, I really do. He knows when to be nice and when to give you a jab."
" A kind of kid who hurts your feelings but you don't beat him up for it ." He nods, still a small smile on his cheeks.
" Exactly."
" I think If my hair was blue, I would try to find a mirror." Declan nods, his eyes not particularly looking at anything.
" What if, it's broken." He leans against the railing as he sits on the ground
" I'd find someone I trust and ask them for myself." He shakes his head, looking up at me with those sad eyes of his.
" What if they too see blue?" I slowly stand up and walk towards him and his hunched frame, as I stoop low enough to cup his cheek. I don't particularly know what I'm doing, but I can't seem to stop myself.
" I don't." We switch between each other's eyes, before his face breaks.
" What if you're lying. What if this is just the first layer." I push my fingers in his hair as I pull out a few strings as I smile.
" Then I would go through every layer just to prove you wrong." He hesitates to do it, to lean in and kiss me. But when I start to lower myself he connects us instantly.
Overwhelmed with the feelings inside me I take the back of his neck and breathe him in. Like every cigarette I've ever smoked, his lips made the pain go away. We move in the sink, delighted to the toes, as he pulls me down with him being the dominant one.
Oh, how he made my toes curl as he kissed me so hard. See cigarettes took a drag from you that broke you, but this man could do so much more than break me.
" I don't think Cody has it all." His swollen lips and dazed eyes shine as he says.
" Yeah? Why is that?" I peck his swollen lips again as he smiles, breaking the kiss. Starting to stand up and taking me with him.
" He doesn't have you." I smile up at him." He never will." I found myself comfortable in his embrace as he held me tight. Oh, but I would never allow anyone to see this. Because this was the softer side of me, that only Bryson had seen. And now with Declan in my life, I have to make changes. Which scares me to the core.
More than the man in the mirror did.