𝐉𝐔𝐍𝐄 ❷ ⓿ ❷ ❷
Her heart rate slowed and breathing steadies as she stared into the eyes of Toby. He nodded insinuating she was doing it correctly. She stood up straight and Toby started to leave, but she hopped in front of him and the door.
"You straight now. Move."
"No." She replied quickly, "I listened to you yell, call me 'worthless', call me 'selfish' and I took it. I took it because I understand your anger and where it's coming from but now you are going to fucking listen to me." She demanded.
Toby stepped backward away from her and gave her the floor to talk. Anicia released a heavy breath from her nose. "I am sorry for not telling you that day I found out, Toby. I really am. But I'm not sorry for giving her up for adoption."
He scoffed, averting his gaze from her and she only followed. "No, no. You don't get to do that either. I'm being honest with you here so please listen to me." he set his eyes on her, "I will not apologize for giving her up to a lovely couple that could give her love and attention every moment of the day. I was eighteen—hurt and emotionally fucked up, Toby. I couldn't be the mother to a baby. A daughter, nonetheless."
"Me," he finally spoke after moments of silence. "I'm her father. You didn't give me the opportunity."
"And I wasn't. ." Anicia confessed. He scoffed about to try to walk away, but she stepped in his way. "I had no intentions of giving you the opportunity, Toby. It wasn't about me doubting you being a great father because I know you are seeing the way your son's are so respectful. But back then, you were in the streets tough. It was no way I was going to send my daughter to you just to not know if she was going to be raised by your mother because you were dead or in jail. And it was no way I was letting my family that doesn't love me raise somebody I gave birth to."
She let out a breath, with tears forming in her waterline. "You always felt that because I come from money I just had this picture perfect life. If 'picture perfect' is getting bullied by your mother and grandmother, kneeling on grits when I made one mistake that kids are supposed to make, feeling ugly and unloved, hating your skin, hating your hair, hating everything about yourself then we should've switched lives. I was not allowing her to be scarred by neither one of them or never be defended by anyone. So. . I'm sorry for not telling you. But I'll never apologize for putting our daughter in the best situation."
Toby stared at her for a long moment, remaining wordless.
"Toby, please say something."
He let out a long breath as he crossed his arms over his chest. "She thinkin' she disgust you. Supposedly y'all had som' encounter and you pulled away from ha' like she had shit on ha' hand or somethin'. You need to fix that befo' she com' back from Maryland."
"Maryland?"
"It's the Summa' so she visitin' ha' Dads for two weeks." he informed, "I'm notta man that keep secrets from my kids. And since I kno' she is mine, I'm not finna be round ha' and keepin' the fact she my daughter away from her. That's shit you do. Not me. So, I strongly suggest you to figure that out."
He went to the door and started to leave when Anicia says, "do you really mean that?"
"Mean what?"
"That I'm worthless..." her voice broke, "Am I really worthless?"
Toby tapped the door handle as he sighed and faced Anicia. "No, you not worthless and it was fucked on my part for sayin' that to you. You worth every breath in yo' body."
She could tell he meant every word and felt a relief in her chest. She nodded as he says, "You gotta stop doin' that shit, too. You a beautiful, talented fuckin' black woman and need to stop yearnin' for the approval of everybody else. You need to kno' yo' worth. And once you do; you gon' be unstoppable baby."
Her gaze softened as he offered her a small head nod. "Til you fix shit wit Lolo; we don't need to talk, ever."
The door shut and the corners of her mouth turned up when she heard the nickname for Lotus. She spent the next hour bribing the executive assistant at her father's company for Lotus's personal information with her knowing everything about everyone and Anicia packed her suitcase and took a redeye flight to Maryland and got her a room at the Hilton Garden Inn for her stay.
The executive assistant let her know about a art show happening at the moment and Anicia got dressed in something more appropriate for the event before heading to the art gallery. She walked into the contemporary and modern gallery that offered European sculptures, and large art. It was bright and welcoming with the white walls and honey hardwood floors.
A waitress offered her the glass of Champagne on the tray and she accepted it. She raised the glass to her mouth as one painting captured her attention. Pulling the rim of it away from her lips, she swallowed the bubbly and footed over to the large wall mural with a black and white hand on a yellow background, a white silhouette standing at the figure tip ahead of a colorful earth...
She was so into the wall mural that she didn't notice the devilishly handsome man standing beside her with a porcelain skin, bright green eyes, neat comb over hair and clean shaven. He was tall and toned wearing a pricey suit and expensive dress shoes.
"Beautiful, isn't it?" his low, rough voice averted her attention up to the man. "This is the first mural ever painted on the wall. My daughter drew it when she was only eleven. It took her awhile, but she done it. She always had this eye for art."
"Eleven? That's impressive."
"Very," he chuckled lightly, staring at Anicia. "I'm just talking your ear off without an introduction. Weston Thurgood." he held his hand out.
Thurgood. It registered, and Anicia realized he was one of the men that adopted her daughter nineteen years ago. She never met either one of them with it being a closed adoption. Her name was never released to the adoptive parents and neither one of theirs was released to her.
She shook his hand firmly. "Anicia Porter. You're the owner?"
"Yes ma'am," he beamed, revealing his nice white teeth. "Among many others. Porter, you say? Do you have any relations to a Adonis Porter?"
She start to open her mouth to respond before she heard, "What are you doing here?"
Anicia recognized the voice, averting her eyes to the nineteen year old that dressed in a oversized boyfriend hoodie and sweat-shorts, with pointy toe lace-up box heels. Her curly and voluminous twist-out touched her shoulders and swept to one side. She held a nonalcoholic beverage as she stared in confusion at Anicia.
"You two know each other?" Weston motioned between his daughter and Anicia.
"Yeah, uhm, she. . ." Lotus stopped not knowing what to say.
"Adonis Porter's my father," Anicia said instead. "He told me about this lovely art gallery in Maryland and I just had to step in."
Weston was skeptical as he looked at her. "Hm."
"Sweetheart, two people are bickering over a painting. Again." the Ginger-haired gentleman with a ivory skin tone and dressed more in a business casual attire. He rolled his eyes before they set on Anicia. "Hello there. Are you a buyer?"
"No—"
"No, this is Adonis Porter's daughter, hon."
She shook his hand. "Anicia."
"So beautiful. Austin," he introduced. "Mr. Porter is a fantastic. He funded the art program at USC for our Lotus to attend. He's even helping fund my honey's art galleries. He's a very generous man."
"Which is skeptical." Weston added.
"Generous," Austin said. "Don't mind my husband. He's clearly the grumpy one."
"Dads, I'd like to talk to Anicia alone if you don't mind?" Lotus asked.
"Of course, sweetie." Austin kissed her temple before taking his husband's hand and they walked away with Weston hesitant about leaving his daughter behind, but he had guest to entertain.
Lotus placed her attention on Anicia. "Again, what are you doing here? How'd you even find this place? You know that's stalking."
Anicia released a soft chuckle. "I'm here for as long as you are here, Lotus. To talk, to be yelled at, to answer questions; I'm here. And by the time you leave and you still don't want to talk, we both live in California and we can talk then. No push. I'm staying at the Hyatt, room 412. Whenever and whatever time you want answers, come talk to me."
Lotus remained wordless as Anicia motioned to the wall mural. "Beautiful. You're talented." She smiled softly at the nineteen year old before walked away and left.
HOUR BY HOUR SHE WATCHED the clock. She paced the floors, laid on the bed, showered to keep her mind off the changing numbers, and even watched TV. But as they went by, her eyes grew heavy and she fell asleep suddenly. Until hard knocks pounded on the door and awakes her. She raised her head slightly from the pillow with heavy eyelids and stared at the clock that showed it striking four in the a.m.
The hard knocking continued and Anicia leaped out of the bed in her oversized T-shirt, striding quickly to the door she opened it and the young woman barged in immediately saying, "When I first started my menstrual cycle, it was difficult because as lovely as my Dads are, they are men. They didn't know what to do, so guess what they done?"
Anicia flipped on the light to Lotus facing her in front of the TV. She didn't even let Anicia respond since she said, "the hospital. They drove me all the way to the hospital because I started my cycle." Lotus laughed, "I was nearly eleven. And for the first time ever, I wondered where my mother. I finally questioned my Dads about you not being around. I wanted to be taught about my cycle by my Mother. Not by some nurse at a clinic my Dads took me to just for them to learn. I finally asked for my mother. I finally asked for you."
Crossing her arms under her breasts, Anicia sighed as she stared at the misty eyes of Lotus. "Your childhood, how was it?"
Lotus scoffed, wiping underneath her eyes. "Great. I had great Dads. They never argued in front of me and my brother. They aren't perfect people because no one is; but to me, my Dads were everything. I was loved, cherished. I gotta anything I could ever ask for rather it was materialistic or physical. When I was sick, both of my Dads were there. If I fell; they were there. They made me and my brother pancakes every morning and we had this morning song that my Dad Austin would do while we mixed the batter. My childhood was everything I could ask for."
"And that's something I would have never been able to give you." Anicia told her truthful, "I wasn't ready for a baby and I didn't know how to be a mother. Quite frankly, I still don't know what it even means to be a mother. I didn't have the best examples of what the best mother is. My mother and grandmother were both horrible at it. You had an amazing childhood where there are two parents who cares for you the way you should've been. That person was not me. I would've ruined you because that's the only example I know."
"And my father?"
Anicia took a few strides forward. "He was heavy in the streets and that wouldn't have been the best life for you; not knowing if you'd be fucked up by only receiving calls from him or visiting his grave. I only done what was best for you, Lotus. I know it may not seem like it, but I did."
"I'm a very understanding individual," Lotus told her staring her in the eye. "But times after that, why not come looking for me? Your dad did."
"Yeah, and my father never told me about knowing about you." Anicia informed, "If he would've told me about you years ago I still wouldn't have taken you because by that time, you were happy with your Dads. And still, I wasn't ready to be a mother."
"Did you at least. . . love me?" Lotus asked and said, "I can take it."
Anicia sighed deeply. "I remembered you're eyes. That's why I pulled away from you how I did that day. I recognized your eyes. I got one little glimpse before I handed you over to the doctor and in that quick glimpse, I did start to love you. And for that reason alone, I had to let you go to a couple that would love you fully. That person was not me. And I don't regret it because you have wonderful Dads that love you and put you first."
Lotus exhaled deeply as she wiped the tear that fell from her eye. "Okay. . . Can you at least tell me who my father is?"
"You've actually... met him." Anicia mentioned and confusion appeared on Lotus's expression, "Toby. Toby Booker."
Her eyes widened. "Wha–Huh? D-did he. . ."
"No, he just found out. Don't blame him—"
"Don't tell me what to do!" Lotus retorted promptly, pointing at Anicia as she became emotional. "God! I–What the hell? I. . . have to go."
"Lotus, he didn't know."
"But you did!" Lotus hollered as she whipped around with her back to the door, "You did and you let me be around my father and not tell me! H-how could—just–I have to go."
Anicia let her go as the door slammed behind Lotus. She plopped down on the bed and exhaled sharply.
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