BLURB:
"you should go to the other room" he said
She looked at him in shook its there first night.
He is nervous and open his mouth to say something.After a while, he said "your father makes a deal with me that if I marry you he will give me half of his property. My company is in loss and I don't want to marry you coz I am not interested in you, you are not my type.i fell disturb when you are around me!
It is all he said to her.
She got up from bed and a hot tear escape from eye and she left his room. She did not said a word to him.
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Roya knight-she is good. Age=22 educated and shy in nature. She is rich but she is also black in color. She never wear something so revealing. Simple and always smile. And she is tall, slim, perfect body, and her eyes is most attractive. She has every good thing but only lack of personality is her color.
Johnson Robin - He is handsome. Every girl dream about him. He has well built body. He has blue eyes and white men. He is men of his word. Age=27. He run huge business and he has so many girlfriend.
***
YOUR COVER: (3/10) I'm not sure what all these black lines are that you have going on, and I wasn't able to make a connection between the cover and your story. I suggest going to a cover maker on Wattpad and requesting a cover that will better suit your story.
YOUR TITLE: (3/10) Your title is not appealing to your audience. It doesn't look like you spent a lot of time thinking of the best title for your story. Remember that for a story, the title is extremely important because it will help the reader's first impression of your story. If your story is about two people in an arranged marriage falling in love, then maybe your title could be something symbolic or a quote from your story. Don't title it as listing the description of your story; you still want to have the mysterious air and romantic quality to describe your book.
YOUR BLURB: (1/5) I've had to read your blurb several times to make sense of it. You have a lot of grammatical errors, so I suggest you rewrite your blurb and fix these mistakes. A few of these errors include spelling errors (you wrote "shook" instead of "shock"), tense slip-ups, capitalization errors, and you struggle with plural and singular words. Along with that, your verb is a format that I am very familiar with on Wattpad. Many writers tend to insert dialogue from their story into their blurb, then describe the female protagonist and male protagonist from their physical appearance. But are their perfect bodies and beauty really relevant to the plot? I suggest mixing up your blurb and try making your own format to fit the story. The dialogue from your story you've included is not necessary to include. You should only be adding a general idea of what your story is about. If your plot is about an arranged marriage, then just say that it's about an arranged marriage. Along with that, when you are writing a story, it is unprofessional to use words such as "coz" and you should write out numbers. For example, instead of saying "22," say "twenty-two." You should say "is" instead of "=." In this point of the story, you should not be telling your readers the race of their skin color, their perfect bodies, and how rich and dreamy they are. I'd like to point out that not only are these descriptions cliche and boring, but they don't contribute to the personalities of your characters at all. In writing a story, personalities trump physical appearances—always.
YOUR HOOK: (1/5) What I really liked about your hook is that you jumped straight into the story without any nonsense. You started with the father arranging the marriage, which will lead directly to the plot. The problem here is that you have so many grammatical errors that it was hard to make sense of the stories. I will point out these errors later during your chapter reviews, but keep in mind to go through and edit your story as you go on. If English is not your first language, then it is extremely important to have an open eye and always be searching for mistakes, instead of just asking your readers to excuse them because it's not your first language. Your readers don't owe anything to you, so they can easily just click out of your story. You want to grab your readers and keep them reading your story.
YOUR GRAMMAR: (1/10) Your grammar is all over the place. You are struggling with finding the difference between plural and singular words. Remember that plural words refer to more than one thing, and singular refers to one specific thing. Along with that, you often use the wrong articles. For example, saying "that men" instead of "those men." You tend to have a lot of capitalization errors, especially in dialogue. Keep in mind that the first word of the sentence is always capitalized. Lastly, you need to set your story in a certain tense. Is your story in past tense or present tense? I've seen these mistakes happen frequently, so I suggest going through your story and editing these errors.
YOUR SPELLING ERRORS: (0/5) Unfortunately, I've stumbled upon too many spelling errors throughout your five chapters. If you don't know how to spell a word or you don't know if you are using a word correctly, make sure to look up the spelling and meaning. I heavily suggest you use a writing website such as ProWritingAid because not only will it catch all of your spelling errors, but it will point out your grammatical errors and capitalization mistakes. This website can help you improve your English overall and improve your writing skills.
YOUR PLOT: (1/20) On Wattpad especially, I've seen too many stories that have arranged marriages. What is it about your story that sets it aside from others? What do you have in your story that others don't? Too many writers have stories about handsome men locked in a marriage with a supposedly "ugly" woman, and they end up falling in love. I didn't get much depth from your plot, or originality. Try to think of something to add to your plot or a certain twist that you know is completely different from others. Along with that, from what I've gathered, this is a romance story. However, I didn't see much romance. My heart did not flutter and I didn't swoon from their relationship. You need to focus more on your characters' personalities and feelings rather than how pretty and handsome they are. (and if you're going to say that they look good, at least try to explain how they look good.)
YOUR CHARACTERS: (1/10) If I'm being honest, I have no idea what your characters look like. I don't know the color of Roya's hair, and I don't even know what Stella looks like. You need to sprinkle in these important details. Along with that, I didn't get a sense of your characters' personalities. Is Roya shy or brave? Is Johnson arrogant, or humble? Please try to explain these things to your readers. I also want to see some flaws. What are your characters struggling with that will improve by the end of your story? I also wanted to mention the originality of your characters. I've seen so many characters on Wattpad just like Roya. Try to give her an edge from others. Does she have a darker side to her? Doesn't she have a backbone, or is she a weak woman? What are her reactions to certain situations other than crying?
YOUR VOICE: (0/20) I was not able to see your writing voice through your story. The problem here is that I was so caught up on your grammatical errors and spelling mistakes that your writing style did not shine through your characters or your plot. I want to see you use certain diction and work more on your descriptions. I recommend reading other books on Wattpad and seeing how writers describe the setting, scene, and the characters of their story. I want you to focus on putting an image into the minds of your readers so they feel like they're there. If you work on this, you will see results over time.
STORY FLOW: (2/5) I've seen very abrupt transitions throughout your story. You described Johnson getting up, going to church, getting married, and going home all in one paragraph. Try to add more descriptions and flow to your story without halting abruptly and randomly skipping to two weeks later and such.
So, now that the grading/feedback is over, let's turn the focus to each individual chapter.
CHAPTER 1:
1. One important thing to remember is to stay consistently in tense. I'm going to assume that your story is set in past tense, but you often slip-up and write in present tense. Words such as "meet" and "get" should be converted to "met" and "got."
2. In the first paragraph, you have accidentally written "my" in all caps. Make sure to go and correct this mistake.
3. "I do not get why he hurry up about this serious matter." (paragraph 1). This definitely sounds like broken English. I'd advise you to do extra research on the English language. This sentence should be written in past tense, and you've confused singular and plural words. Correction: "I did not understand why he hurried this serious matter." Can you see how I've restructured this sentence to be more understandable for your readers?
4. "He is so handsome I mean so hot." (paragraph 1). You are missing a comma here. These are two separate topics and should not be combined together. Correction: "He was so handsome. I mean, like, so hot." Do you see how I've restructured this paragraph? Along with that, I've converted this sentence into past tense.
5. In paragraph 1, "arrangemarriage" should be "arranged marriage," it is two words.
6. "She never like me because my father love me most." (paragraph 1). You have misused plural and singular words here, and both should actually be set in past tense. Correction: "She never liked me because my father loved me the most."
7. In paragraph one, make sure to write out numbers or it will seem lazy and unprofessional for your audience. Along with that, in paragraph one, you have capitalization errors. Make sure to go back and fix these. Keep in mind that specific things, people, or places, or the first word of the sentence should always be capitalized. Along with that, you are missing several spaces.
8. In paragraph 1, you have unnecessary background information. The reader should not have to learn about the stepmother and the father and the stepbrother. It isn't necessary to the plot yet and will hold no meaning to your audience. Only reveal background information when it is absolutely necessary.
9. "Now I am going for my wedding shopping with my best friend, Stella, she is beautiful." (paragraph 2). This was a rather abrupt transition. You should start writing about Roya's surroundings from the very beginning. Perhaps she was thinking these thoughts as she was shopping. Where are they right now? Which wedding shop are they at? What is the day like, and how is she feeling? I'm feeling very disconnected to your main character because you didn't describe how Roya feels about the marriage. Is she horrified, or excited? Try to use descriptive language. Along with that, remember this rule: Show, don't tell. Don't just say that Stella's beautiful, show it. How is she beautiful?
10. "I just agree with that men for marriage." (paragraph 3). First of all, using the word "that" means you are referring to a specific person. However, you wrote "men," which means you are referring to several people. You are confusing your singular and plural words. Along with that, you need to remember that your story is set in past tense. "I just agreed with that man for marriage."
11. In paragraph 3, you have a lot of broken sentences. You have unnecessary capitalization and grammar errors that I've pointed out earlier. Make sure to read my suggestions properly and apply them to this paragraph. Along with that, you need to describe how Roya is ugly, don't just say that she is. You want to give your readers a clear visual. Try to go through and thoroughly edit this chapter. Writing a story is like writing a song. You want it to be beautiful and clear and captivating for your audience. If you are still unsure about your writing skills, take more time to study the english language and research singular/plural words and pronouns.
12. In paragraph 4, Johnson is worried about how Roya looks. This means that he's never seen her before, so how does he know that she's ugly? You need to stick with the plot and make sure to cover up any plot holes. Humans are much more complicated people; they usually don't automatically call out black girls as ugly. Along with that, I understand that you are trying to say that Johnson is not racist, and he hates black people for personal reasons. But if he hates all black people for a personal reason, then he is racist because he's using one incident as a representation for all black people. It's okay to make characters in your story be racist and flawed, as long as you do not glorify racism and make it a good thing.
CHAPTER 2:
1. "I just woke up and my friend Stella just got my attention what is she doing in front of the mirror." (paragraph 1). This is a run-on sentence. You need to separate these clauses with commas, periods, or semicolons. Along with that, the second half of your sentence is phrased as a question, so there needs to be a question mark at the end. Correction: "I just woke up, and my friend Stella just got my attention. What was she doing in front of the mirror?" I also fixed your tense slip-ups. You should also describe the scene and setting. I'm assuming that Roya woke up in her bedroom, but what is Stella doing there? You need to explain this to your readers.
2. "I think she gone mad." (paragraph 1). This is a sentence with broken English. Try to remember or research how to use plural and singular words. Correction: "I thought she went mad." Did you also notice that I've corrected your tense slip-ups?
3. "I saw her dull face and go near to her, 'what happened?'" (paragraph 2). This is a boring sentence. How can you restructure this sentence to be interesting to your readers? Along with that, the word "go" should be replaced with "went". In the beginning of your dialogue, the first word of the sentence should always be capitalized, and your comma should be replaced with a period. "I caught the dull look on her face and approached her. 'What happened?'" Did you see how I've restructured this sentence and fixed the tense slip-ups? This does not mean you should use my example because that is my writing style. Use your own voice to write your own original sentence.
4. "She said, 'my dress is not get fit.'" (paragraph 3). Again, this is broken English. Along with that, try to add more descriptions. What does Stella's dress look like? Why is she so worried? Correction: "She said, 'My dress doesn't fit.'" I've also fixed a capitalization error and tense slip-up.
5. You have the same problem for paragraph 4. Look out for capitalization errors and punctuation mistakes.
6. "OK" (paragraph 5). You need to have proper punctuation after this dialogue. Along with that, try to write out the full word. Correction: "Okay." And add more detail to the dialogue. In what tone did Stella say this? Was she grateful? What were her actions?
7. It was hard to focus on the key points of this chapter and hard to point out your mistakes, because there were so many of them. Next time you apply to have your story critiqued, try to have your story edited and and read through thoroughly, so that your reviewer can focus on the genuine mistakes that you didn't know about instead of the little errors that you've made as you went along.
CHAPTER 3:
1. "The parlor worker start their work." (paragraph 1). By saying "their," you are saying that there are several parler workers. Therefore, "worker" should be plural, "workers." Along with that, remember that your story is set in past tense. Correction: "The parlor workers started their work." (Also, just wanted to let you know that you've spelled "parlor" wrong.)
2. "There doing my makeup and hair." (paragraph 1). Here, you've used the word "there" incorrectly. "There" refers to a place. The correct word is "They're," which means "they are." Along with that, you have a tense slip-up. Correction: "They were doing my makeup and hair." Also, how can you elaborate on this sentence? What was the point of writing this sentence if that's all you're going to say? Try to add some details. After all, it is Roya's wedding day. Isn't she at least excited or nervous? Try describing the butterflies in her stomach and the tightness of her throat.
3. In paragraph 1, you don't need to add mundane details such as "I am not going to church." The reader doesn't need to know this. Along with that, you can stretch out Roya's POV. Where was she when she was having her hair and makeup done? What does her dress look like? Does she feel ugly, or beautiful? Then you can transition to the next scene by saying, "After arriving at the church..."
4. The entire wedding was so brief, I missed it entirely and had to go back to read it. I don't understand how you just had Johnson wake up, get ready, go to church, start the ceremony, and kiss her and go to his home all in one paragraph. You need to add details. Writing a story is like writing a song; while reading your story, I felt more like I was reading a diary taking notes of the events of his day. Wasn't Johnson even a little nervous or angry? What was the entire wedding process like? What did the church look like? What did the bride look like? What did the kiss feel like? If this is a romance story, then your readers are here to get butterflies in their stomach and swoon from their relationship. Did your main characters feel a connection when they met eyes? What did the mansion look like? And did you really need to add that he felt tired? How did he feel tired when it's still morning?
5. In Roya's second POV, you kept switching between past and present tense. You need to choose one and stick with it. And how does Johnson look good in a suit? You often struggle with showing instead of telling. Try to describe his appearance. I don't even know the color of his suit. I don't even know what her stepmother looks like.
6. You have a lot of capitalization errors throughout this chapter. An example is, "'do not be so happy, this happiness would not last long,'" (paragraph 3). First of all, the first word of a sentence should always be capitalized. Second of all, you need proper punctuation at the end of the sentence. The dialogue should end in a period and not a comma. Correction: "'Don't be so happy; this happiness won't last long.'"
7. "What that mean?" (paragraph 4). This is broken English. Correction: "What did that mean?" I've also fixed your tense slip-up. And try to describe her stepmother's voice when she warned Roya. Was it full of tension, anger, or malicious delight?
8. "My heart rate became wide." (paragraph 6). Don't you mean, "My heart rate became high?"
9. "Sitting beside him." (paragraph 7). This is an incomplete sentence. You should combine it with the prior sentence. A suggestion would be: "My heart rate became high as I sat beside him."
10. "thanks" (paragraph 7). There are many things wrong with this word. First of all, it needs to be capitalized. Second of all, it is missing proper punctuations at the end of the dialogue. And is it really necessary to add this in? This is a filler, it doesn't contribute to the plot at all.
11. "Walking with her I see many rooms" (paragraph 9). Again, you need proper punctuation here. Along with that, you need to add more descriptions. I don't have a good visual for what the house looks like. Unless you plan to describe what the rooms look like in detail, this sentence is not necessary. It's pretty obvious that a mansion would have a lot of rooms.
12. In paragraph 11, "mam" should be "ma'am."
13. "I am just tried.'" (paragraph 21). There is a spelling mistake here. Correction: "I was just tired." I've also fixed a tense slip-up.
14. Your last paragraph can be split into several paragraphs. Along with that, you are rambling through your sentences with half thoughts and incomplete sentences. You need to plan out each sentence with a defined structure and in order. You are essentially repeating the same things over and over. And if Roya's husband spoke to her, try to write out their dialogue. I have no idea where they were speaking. I still don't know what he looks like.
CHAPTER 4:
1. "I go to the bathroom for shower after that," (paragraph 1). This is an incomplete sentence. Along with that, you have a tense slip-up here. If you plan to have him speak, include this entire sentence in the next paragraph. Correction: "I went to the bathroom to show. After that,___" Along with that, I don't think it's necessary to include that he showered. This is a mundane, every-day activity. Remember that you aren't writing this story like a diary. You don't need to write down every aspect of his day.
2. "you should go to the other room" (paragraph 2). Here, you need to capitalize the first word of the sentence, and end the dialogue with proper punctuation (period).
3. "she look at me in shoock." (paragraph 2). You need to capitalize "she" because it is the first word of the sentence. Along with that, you've spelled "shock" wrong. Correction: "She looked at me in shock." Can you see that I've corrected the tense slip-up as well?
4. "I fell so disturbed when I see you, you are not my type." (paragraph 2). You have another spelling error here. "Fell" should be "feel." Along with that, you have a tense slip-up and missing conjunction. Correction: "I felt so disturbed when I saw you, you aren't my type."
5. "Huu never I am not a puppet for play." (paragraph 3). First of all, this is a rambling run-on sentence. Along with that, I don't understand what "Huu" is. Try to add commas in the proper spots. Keep in mind that commas are used to separate clauses or to list things.
6. "After saying all this thing she says nothing I didn't think that coming she just stood up from there and go to the other room." (paragraph 3). This is a run-on sentence. Remember to add commas to separate the different topics. Along with that, you've been misusing plural and singular words. Correction: "After saying all this, she said nothing. I didn't see that coming. She just stood up and went to the other room." Also, how can you make this sentence more interesting? Can you describe what Roya looked like when he rejected her? Where was the other room anyway? Were the two rooms conjoined?
7. In paragraph 4, "Opps" should be "oops."
8. "I cry all night." (paragraph 5). This is a tense slip-up. Remember that you are writing in past tense. Correction: "I cried all night."
9. In paragraph 5, remember to write out numbers. "2" should be "two." Along with that, it doesn't look like there's a lot of traction or stuff happening in their marriage. Along with that, try to replace all caps with italics to better emphasize your meanings. You don't have to underline words to express an emphasis. Your story is set in past tense, so you need to replace words such as "will" and "want" to "was" and "wanted."
10. "Let's the play begun." (paragraph 5). First of all, why are you suddenly talking about plays? Roya was talking about applying for work, so the phrase does not relate to the paragraph at all. Along with that, the actual phrase is "let the show begin." You've mixed up your tense here, and misused "let's." The word "let's" means "let us." Which means you're essentially saying, "Let us the play begun."
CHAPTER 5:
1. "Now I became a thief I am just snacking out my wife room." (paragraph 1). This is broken English. Remember to practice your grammar and do some more research on this language. English is complicated, so if you don't know how to say something, try looking up the rules that apply to structuring sentences instead of guessing. Correction: "Now I became a thief. I was just snacking in my wife's room." I just wanted to ask as well: Why is he even in his wife's room eating food? I get that he's concerned for her, but that has nothing to do with eating food in her room.
2. "Is she creat a suicide or something?" (paragraph 1). You've misspelled "create." Along with that, what do you mean by "create a suicide?" Don't you mean, "Committed suicide?" Also take a look at your tense slip-ups and remember that your story should be in past tense.
3. You need to write out numbers. Write "two" instead of "2." Along with that, in your first paragraph, you've written "2week." Correction: "Two weeks."
4. From your dialogue, you have a lot of capitalization errors. You need to go thoroughly throughout your chapter and make sure every first word of a sentence is capitalized. Along with that, pleasantries such as "hello" and "she is fine" should not be included in your story. They can be skipped because they don't contribute to your plot at all.
5. In your chapter, you need to write out each word. Don't say "wtf," say "what the f*ck." If not, your readers will see this as unprofessional and lazy.
6. "is it ture?" (paragraph 15). First of all, you need to capitalize "is" because it is the first word of the sentence. Along with that, "ture" is not a word. I'm not sure what this sentence is supposed to mean. These spelling mistakes happen frequently so make sure to go thoroughly throughout your chapters and correct these mistakes.
7. One thing I wanted to mention is your use of emojis throughout the chapters. I recommend not using emojis when you write. Emojis should only be used when commenting on other peoples' work, or texting with your friends. It should not be included in your writing because it is unprofessional and takes away the tension in your story.
***
From reading your chapters, I can clearly see that you are struggling with English because many of your sentences are broken and you've made up a lot of words. I recommend working more on your grammar and focusing on the basic rules of English before committing to a story; that way, you will grab more readers. If you work hard and focus on learning grammar, I promise that you will get there. For now, I suggest reading other stories in English and seeing how other writers write.
I also wanted to point out that in chapter five, I was unable to fully critique this part because of mature content. I'm upset that I wasn't notified of this scene in advance, because I could have prepared for another chapter review in place of chapter five. Next time you apply for a review here or anywhere else, make sure to notify the reviewer of your mature content because it can be offensive and impolite if the reviewer dives into your story and encounters scenes that they may be too young or uncomfortable with.
TOTAL SCORE: 13/100
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Written on 11/15/2020