BLURB:
in·tel·lect /ˈin(t)lˌekt/
-The understanding or mental powers of a particular person.
The Wave took the world, consumed it without mercy. The population plummeted with no one remaining. Except for seventeen-year-old Embrie Whitewater and her family..or so she had thought.
After a supply run to the city uncovers things meant to remain hidden, she soon discovers a secret organization... and a looming war.
Embrie finds herself in a world she was never meant to be in.
"I was broken, shattered like glass gliding across the tile as it collided with the floor."
Humanity was never meant to survive this long. And this was the consequence.
***
YOUR COVER: (7/10) Your cover has a minimalist feel to it, which I enjoy. The photo used looks a little blurry, but you can always add filters and edit the photo using apps such as PicsArt. I love the font you used for the title and how it's centered on the page, but it is hard to see from a distance. If I'm being honest, your cover does not do your story much justice. Using apps like Phonto, you can experiment with the boldness and design of your title. There are also amazing cover artists on Wattpad who can create your cover for free. Overall, your cover is a solid 7/10.
YOUR TITLE: (10/10) From reading your first few chapters, I'm getting the idea that Embrie has some kind of mental power, and she's communicating with a person in her dreams. Hence the title. It makes sense. When I first started reading it, I could not really understand the title. However, it clicked for me. Good job!
YOUR BLURB: (3/5) So your blurb is heading in the right direction. It's clear that you have put a lot of thought in making your sentence structures the best it can be, and which lines will pull in your readers. However, it is too long. There are a few things that you can edit and remove. Honestly, from reading your story so far, your writing is advanced and your plot is unique. The blurb might be driving potential readers away. Along with that, if your title is about mental powers, and Embrie is experiencing mental communication with someone, then I'd find it important to put in your blurb. The main idea here is that the Wave took over the world, and Embrie has to survive while communicating with a person in her dreams. If I were to shorten your blurb, I might just say: "The Wave took the world, and consumed it without mercy. Seventeen-year-old Embrie thought her family were the only ones left—that is, until she discovers—with the voice in her head to guide her; a hidden organization. 'I was broken, shattered like glass gliding across the tile as it collided with the floor.' Humanity was never meant to survive this long. And this was the consequence." This is short and sweet, and leaves the reader thinking. Honestly, the ending of your blurb definitely hit hard. It will definitely be the selling point; the reason that people will click on your story. It's intriguing and leaves the reader thinking.
YOUR HOOK: (5/5) From the very start, your use of personification ("the rays peeked through the branches") and your use of descriptive language and imagery had me hooked. You showed off your writing skills, which will make your readers trust your ability to put together a delightful story. Frankly, your hook did its job, and I have nothing else to say. Also, this isn't really part of your hook, but in your second paragraph, you explained the difference in the world, letting your readers know what it was like living through your character's eyes. I think you described it beautifully, setting the scene of your story.
YOUR GRAMMAR: (6/10) I have thoroughly read through your five chapters and have found common grammar issues that repeat frequently. These are the errors that you need to watch out for in future writing and go back and fix in your first five chapters. First, your use of capitalization. In dialogue, if Embrie says something, and breaks off as the narration continues, then speaks again, her new dialogue should be capitalized. (if this makes little sense, I'll point this out during the specific review of each chapter.) Along with that, just remember that if it is the first word of a sentence, specific person, place, or thing, it should be capitalized. Especially the use of "mother" and "father."
Second, a common mistake is where you place your commas. Most of the time, you do not add commas where they should go. A sentence generally has two clauses. For example: "I graduated last year, and I started college this year." There are two different topics/clauses fused together and separated with a comma. This is really important, and something that you frequently miss repeatedly throughout your chapters. Another thing is that you also misplaced commas. These are less frequent mistakes, and ones that I will point on as we go on.
Another thing to keep in mind is that your story is set in past tense. You do a good job at staying in past tense, but you sometimes mess up and write something in present tense. I will point out these mistakes when reviewing each chapter, but keep in mind that I will not and cannot point out every single one to you. You must go back on your own and look carefully for tense inconsistencies.
SPELLING ERRORS: (5/5) From what I've read, I've found no spelling errors. I've definitely found a few incorrect words such as "then" instead of "than" and "insight" instead of "insight." I'll explain those more as we go along. But for the most part, there were no typos, and I can tell you really focused on editing each chapter and making sure that there were no spelling errors. However, we are all humans, and we all make mistakes. To ensure that no spelling errors or grammatical errors will be found on your manuscript, try using ProWritingAid or any other site that offers help in writing your story.
YOUR PLOT: (20/20) Contrasting many stories I find here on Wattpad, your plot is unique, fresh, and original. You kept me guessing with each new chapter, and I genuinely did not know what was going to happen. I enjoyed how you threw in certain twists, such as adding in mental powers on top of the fact that the Wave took over the world. I was not bored at all while reading your chapters, and you really had me hooked and engaged through each paragraph.
YOUR CHARACTERS: (10/10) First things first: I love how you addressed the flaws of your character. You talked a lot about Embrie's fears and weaknesses, and not only that, but you extended your descriptions to the other characters as well. I can sense a character arc that will happen throughout the story. You've put a lot of thought into each character's background, their personalities, and their own voices. I can definitely differentiate between Paisley and Embrie, and Embrie and her mother. They have complicated and unexplainable feelings (which you did a good job of explaining) and I was thrilled by the amount of depth and detail that pulled me straight into your story. A solid ten out of ten.
YOUR VOICE: (20/20) I could go on and on about your writing style and voice. It is unique and descriptive, and I can really see that you understand that writing a story is not just writing down what happened. It is like writing a song, or the passion of playing an instrument. You really swept me away with the first word, and your choice of diction really blew me away. You have a well-rounded vocabulary and a knack of making even the most mundane things interesting. Well done. I'm sure that in time, your writing will only improve. Just keep writing this story, and readers will find you.
YOUR STORY FLOW: (2/5) The important thing about writing a story is to only write what needs to be written. In my introduction to this critique shop, I've mentioned that you want to write something that will not be forgotten. So in your story, try to move the story along quicker. It wasn't until chapter five that Embrie finally reached somewhere, and two whole chapters were dedicated to her walking. You can describe two years in two sentences in writing a book; time doesn't work the same. If you're struggling with moving along the scene, try experimenting with different ways to smoothly transition from her walking to her finding the city. So in one chapter, she starts walking. Maybe in that same chapter, she gets lost and decides to split up with Noah. Then, in the next chapter, she's utterly lost. But then she catches sight of a highway. See how I've squished three chapters into two? You don't want your reader to get bored, so try to keep building up the tension to when something finally happens. Just remember: You don't want to make your reader wait too long, or they will get bored.
So, now that the grading/feedback is over, let's turn the focus to the specific details of your first five chapters.
***
CHAPTER 1:
1. "No more trucks stirred up the dirt as it flew by ignoring the speed limit." (paragraph 2). Here, you've used the word "trucks," meaning plural. However, you then described "trucks" with "it" which is singular. Correction: "No more trucks stirred up the dirt as they flew by, ignoring the speed limit." Also, take note of how I've separated the two clauses with a comma.
2. In paragraph five, you wrote: "I decided it would be no different, even though she's dead." From what I've gathered by reading your first few paragraphs, this story is based on past tense. However, here you have slipped up and used present tense. A correction to this would be: "I decided it would be no different, even though she was dead."
3. In paragraph six, you used present tense again in your first sentence regarding the same topic. Can you find this mistake? (if not, please let me know).
4. Who exactly is Rosemary? Was she a neighbor, or a grandmother? Try to provide a little context by sliding in a few details through your paragraphs so that the reader has a good idea of who Rosemary was.
5. "The same words that made me cry every time, breaking havoc in my ears." This is a beautiful description! I can really feel the pain that Embrie is feeling in this sentence. Keep up the good work.
6. "Even crows are tethered to the sky." (paragraph 10). Are you going to provide an analysis in Embrie's perspective to the reader? This sentence can be hard to understand for many readers. Unless you are going to reveal the true meaning further into the story as a breakthrough for your character, it's best to provide some context to where these words come from, and what they mean.
7. "I walked through the large lawn before I hesitantly clutched the doorknob." (paragraph 12). Is this sentence really necessary? These words do not contribute to the plot or really help transition into the next scene. You could skip these words and instead say something like: "Dread swirled in my stomach as I hesitantly clutched the doorknob, wondering what side of my mother I would see today." The part about walking through the lawn does not need to be added, and your readers will not gain anything by reading it.
8. "On the floor sat Paisley, cradling our mother in her arms." (paragraph 1). Here you are using passive voice, which can take away from the experience for your readers. It's best to describe the action directly. A way to rephrase this sentence would be: "Paisley sat on the floor, cradling our mother in her arms."
9. In paragraph 23, you wrote, "'Embrie, you mean the world to mom.'" There is a capitalization error here. "Mom" should be capitalized, because Noah is referring to their mom, not just a mom. So unless you put the word "our" in front of "mom," it should be capitalized. Correction: "'Embrie, you mean the world to Mom.'"
10. "Entangled in the warmth of her arms, was a teddy bear mother gave to her when she was two." (paragraph 28). There is an unnecessary comma in here because there is only one clause, not two. Along with that, "mother" should be capitalized. Correction: "Entangled in the warmth of her arms was a teddy bear Mother gave to her when she was two."
11. "I gazed out the window admiring the moon." (paragraph 29). There should be a comma separating the two clauses. Here in this sentence, one clause is that she gazes out the window. The second clause is that she is admiring the moon. Do you see why they should be separated? Correction: "I gazed out the window, admiring the moon."
12. In paragraph 30 you wrote, "I slept on the couch, now." There is an unnecessary comma. There is only one clause here, which is that she slept on the couch. Correction: "I slept on the couch now."
13. "I would take anything over the pain of those stupid pictures." (paragraph 30). You do a very good job at keeping your past tense consistent. However, there are a few slip-ups. The correction to this would be: "I would've taken anything over the pain of those stupid pictures." Make sure to go through your chapter thoroughly to catch these stray mistakes.
14. In paragraph 34 you wrote, "She was confused, judging by the look on her face." This sentence is slightly awkward. A better alternative to rephrase this sentence would be: "Judging by the look on her face, she was confused."
15. "'Here,' I turned to see Paisley holding out the can for me." (paragraph 37). There should be a period after the dialogue, not a comma. "I turned to see..." is a new sentence by itself, not part of the dialogue. Correction: "'Here.' I turned to see Paisley holding out the can for me."
16. In paragraph 38 you wrote, "But, we were and I had to accept that." The word "But" is not a clause by itself, so it does not need a comma after it. Correction: "But we were, and I had to accept that." Did you see how I moved the comma? The first clause is that she was admitting that they were alone, and the second clause is that she needed to accept that fact.
17. "A smile is a smile, though." (paragraph 41). Correction: "A smile was a smile though." I removed an unnecessary comma and fixed a tense slip up.
18. There are a lot of misplaced commas throughout your chapter that I didn't mention. I only mentioned a few so you could get the pattern. If you still need help with commas, message me privately and we can work on it together.
CHAPTER 2:
1. "We sat on the couch staring at the flickering television." (paragraph 1). There needs to be a comma here. There are two different clauses here. If you haven't guessed it already, the first one is that they sat on the couch. The second clause is that they stared at the television. Therefore, they need to be separated by a comma. "We sat on the couch, staring at the flickering television."
2. In paragraph 5, the word "TV" is actually an object and an acronym for television, and therefore should be capitalized.
3. Also in paragraph 5, you are describing the hair of the woman speaking. You are using the word "greased" to describe her hair, which makes it an adjective. Therefore, it should be converted into "greasy." Correction: "She wore a dark blue suit with her short, greasy black hair resting neatly above her shoulders." (I also removed an unnecessary comma).
4. When Embrie is dreaming of a person, she describes the person as "they." Unless this person is gender fluid, you should assign a proper pronoun to this mysterious person, such as "he" or "she." If you want to keep their gender a secret for now, you can also refer to the person as "the figure" or "the face."
5. "It was as if it melted all of my feelings into one." (paragraph 12). Here, you are referring to the person as an "it." This is not the correct pronoun, so either refer to the person as "he," "she," or "the person."
6. "I said wrapping my hand around a rotten apple and chucking it down the hill," (paragraph 16). There are two clauses here. The first clause is that she said something. The second clause is that she wrapped her hand around a rotten apple and threw it down the hill. There should be a comma separating the two. Along with that, the sentence should end with a period, not a comma. The dialogue that comes afterwards is not part of the same sentence. Correction: "I said, wrapping my hand around a rotten apple and chucking it down the hill."
7. In the same paragraph, when you start your second dialogue, I know it may seem like you are continuing the dialogue from earlier so it shouldn't be capitalized. However, this is incorrect. These are two different sentences, so even if she continues to talk, the first sentence in the dialogue should be capitalized. Correction: "'For weeks they let us ponder in misery..."
8. In paragraph 17 you wrote, "He nodded, 'I don't know.'" The comma you used before the dialogue is inaccurate. "He nodded" is a sentence by itself, and the dialogue "I don't know" is a sentence by itself. Correction: "He nodded. 'I don't know.'"
9. In paragraph 18, watch out for capitalization issues. The word "mother" should be capitalized because Embrie is referring to a specific person.
10. Paragraph 19. Make sure to capitalize "dad."
11. In paragraph 26, you wrote: "The stress got to them, too, like it usually did." There is an unnecessary comma. Correction: "The stress got to them too, like it usually did."
12. "'You can't be serious right now?'" (paragraph 31). This sentence is actually not a question. Embrie's mom phrases it as a statement. It should be written as "You can't be serious right now." If you wanted it to be a question, it should be written like this: "Are you serious right now?"
13. Look out for capitalization on the word "dad" in paragraph 32.
14. In paragraph 32, how do you know that Embrie's mom is taken aback with her foul language and lack of respect? Remember, the reader is in Embrie's head. As far as I know, Embrie does not read minds. If you want to let your readers know that Embrie's mom is surprised by Embrie's behavior, you can say something like: "Her eyes flashed to me, filled with shock at the way I've addressed her."
15. In paragraph 40, you described that Embrie "smirked" as she thought about how humanity disappeared to hide her sadness. However, the word "smirked" is a word to describe a playful smile, and does not clash well with the meaning of your words. A better alternative would be a "sad smile" or "grim smile."
16. "Westcove High wishing I could have graduated." (paragraph 41). I'm not sure what this sentence means. I think what happened here is you cut off the previous sentence short and started a new sentence with an unfinished thought. Correction: "I ran my fingers over my high school logo - Westcove High - wishing I could have graduated."
CHAPTER 3:
1. "Some music would be nice right now. It would break the deafening silence." (paragraph 1). Remember that your story is set in past tense, but this is written in present tense. Correction: "Some music would've been nice right now. It would've broken this deafening silence."
2. "'... He said they are more afraid of us then we are of them.'" (paragraph 6). The word "then" is not the right word for this sentence. You are confusing it with the word "than" which is comparing, while "then" is a time reference. Correction: "'... He said they are more afraid of us than we are of them."
3. In paragraph eleven, you used the word "insight." This word means seeing the true nature of something; taking a closer look at something. You've used it incorrectly in this paragraph. The word you are looking for is "in sight" which means it is in sight. These two words are very different from one another, so make sure to correct this mistake. Correction: "The only view in sight..."
4. I like how you spelled out the word "eleven" in paragraph sixteen. If you don't spell it out, readers will see it as being lazy and unprofessional, so good job on that. Make sure to keep that in your head for future reference the next time you write a number.
5. In paragraph 21, you wrote, "He managed a laughed." This is incorrect. Correction: "He managed a laugh" or "he managed to laugh."
6. "'Okay, time to walk now,' I said..." (paragraph 22). This sentence is boring and is not needed. You can always skip ahead to the next scene by saying, "We've been walking for a certain amount of time when we saw..." You don't need to write out every single action that your character goes through, only the significant ones important to the character or the plot.
7. In paragraph 32, you wrote, "The thousand of small, nimble creatures..." This is incorrect. You used the word "thousand" as a singular word, even though "creatures" are plural. Correction: "The thousands of small, nimble creatures..."
8. "The sun awoke taking my energy with it." (paragraph 33). There are two clauses here, which means that there should be a comma. Can you find where to separate the two sentences? If not, please let me know and I will help you.
9. Same problem in paragraph 44. There are two clauses in the sentence, "I hastily sat up looking around." Can you see where the comma should be?
10. I love the cliffhanger in chapter three. It's very intriguing and will want to make a reader more. The main mistakes occurring frequently through this chapter are misplaced or missing commas. I only mentioned a few, so make sure to go back through the entire chapter and check thoroughly.
CHAPTER 4:
1. In the second paragraph, how do you know there was no thought in Noah's head? Again, the reader is looking at this story through Embrie's perspective. Unless she's a mind reader, she shouldn't know what's going on inside of Noah's head. Instead, you can use clues from body language or facial expressions to determine the situation with another character. For example: "Looking at his relaxed and stoic face, it was clear there was no thought buzzing around in his head to disrupt his sleep."
2. "... his expression showed worry like it usually does." (paragraph 2). Another tense slip up. I suggest you go through and make sure you don't accidentally write in present tense.
3. "He gave me a weird look but didn't question." (paragraph 3). Didn't question what? Make sure to finish that question. For example, you could say: "He gave me a weird look but didn't question me."
4. In paragraph 28, you wrote the time as 2:15. Remember that you don't want to write out numbers. Instead, write it as two-fifteen. Or if your readers will get confused, two o'clock to make it simplified. You don't have to be overly specific about the time.
5. "I asked sounding like a child..." (paragraph 45). There is a missing comma here. First, try to identify the two different clauses, and see where the separation is. The correct way to say this is "I asked, sounding like a child..."
6. "'What are you waiting for?' She shouted, 'Call them, now!'" (paragraph 49). There are two things wrong with these sentences. First of all, "she" should not be capitalized because it is part of the dialogue sentence "what are you waiting for." Secondly, "she shouted" is not part of the dialogue sentence "call them now," so there should not be a comma, but a period. Correction: "'What are you waiting for?' she shouted. 'Call them, now!'"
7. "I was ridiculous and terrified." (paragraph 54). "Ridiculous" means to, well, be ridiculous. Are you saying she was acting ridiculous, or she felt ridiculous? If it's the latter, then the correction would be: "I felt ridiculous and terrified."
8. "The weird thing was I never remembered getting a tattoo. It was always just there. The muscles in my fragile body stiffened and tears began to well up in my bloodshot eyes. Just like my family." (paragraph 62). I was confused here for a second. When you mentioned her family, I thought you were referring to them like your bloodshot eyes. This paragraph can be rearranged to make more sense. A better alternative: "The weird thing was, I never remembered getting a tattoo. It was always just there. Just like my family. The muscles in my fragile body stiffened, and tears began to well up in my bloodshot eyes." Also, can you see that I've added a comma to separate two clauses? And another comma?
CHAPTER 5:
1. I want to start off with saying you always start chapters with either waking up or falling asleep. And within your segments, you always end with waking up or falling asleep and describing nature. This can get a little repetitive for your readers. Don't be afraid to mix things up. You don't have to extend the amount of time it takes for Embrie to get to the city. You can describe four days in four sentences. Time is different when writing a story. If you take too long to get to the action, a reader may get bored with waiting and click out of your story. The reader does not want to read a whole paragraph about Embrie waking up, over and over again.
2. "But, if anyone was here, they probably would have shot me by now." (paragraph 10). There is an unnecessary comma here. The word "but" is not a clause by itself. Correction: "But if anyone was here, they probably would have shot me by now."
3. "Instead, I closed my eyes dreadfully awaiting the nightmares that lied ahead." (paragraph 12). Without a comma, a reader could mistake your sentence and think you closed your eyes dreadfully, and awaiting the nightmares. Correction: "Instead, I closed my eyes, dreadfully awaiting the nightmares that lied ahead."
4. "Though she never actually hurt me, I still hate her." (paragraph 19). Another tense slip up. Remember that you are writing in past tense. "Though she never actually hurt me, I still hated her."
5. "But when she got her first daughter she didn't know how to take care of me." (paragraph 19). These are two clauses and therefore should be separated by a comma. Correction: "But when she got her first daughter, she didn't know how to take care of her." I also corrected the pronoun. Your reader will know that Embrie is referring to herself.
6. "If only dad were home those nights." (paragraph 20). "Dad" is a specific person that Embrie is referring to, so the word "dad" should be capitalized. Along with that, can you provide some insight as to why Embrie wasn't allowed home until a certain time?
7. "Luckily, she changed when dad disappeared." (paragraph 23). Another capitalization error. Can you see where?
8. "Bye mother, Paisley, Noah." (paragraph 31). You capitalized "Paisley" and "Noah." Why is "mother" not capitalized? "Mother" is a specific person, therefore it should be capitalized. Remember that Embrie is referring to a specific person here.
9. "'I want fried chicken! Just please give me some food,' my voice trailed off." (paragraph 33). "My voice trailed off,' is a sentence by itself. Therefore, "my" should be capitalized, and the comma at the end of the dialogue should be replaced with a period. Correction: "'I want fried chicken! Just please give me some food.' My voice trailed off."
***
I had so much fun reading and reviewing your story! Your voice and writing style was like a breath of fresh air, and I learned a few things from your writing and choice of diction as well! There are some strengths and a few weaknesses in your writing, but I'm proud to say that you've got me impressed.
TOTAL: 88/100
Make sure to vote and comment!
Writton on 11/09/2020