A/N: Hi loves, this was honestly the hardest chapter for me to write out of all 45 of this book. it was as upsetting for me to go through as it is for some of you to read :( i know this is gonna be a lot, so i'm gonna put in a few notes and disclaimers for you guys here:
- very very long chapter, grab snacks if you want 💗
- listen to the song above for the full/best experience.
- DISCLAMER: this chapter has sexual abuse/rape and lost of strong language and slurs, so if you get triggered by that i advise you skip that part. but this chapter also has very important info that goes along with the story. read at your own risk.
Lolas POV
Friday, October 16th - 6:30pm
i sit at my vanity and brush my hair, the darkened sun shines through my window and onto mirror.
i stare at myself just before the door burst open and i jump practically to the celling.
"get dressed up nice... we're all having dinner tonight" my mom says, standing at my door.
"why do i need to get dressed up for that?" i ask, my eyes looking her up and down.
"just do what i say lola..." she says in a low warning tone and i roll my eyes when she leaves and shuts the door.
"just do what i say lola" i say in a mocking tone when i hear her footsteps fade. i turn back to my mirror and my phone has lightened up beside me.
incoming facetime call from: bil bear 💕
my shoulders lift and i smile down at my phone as i press accept.
"hi baby" i continue to brush my hair.
"you look cute" billie says and i can see a sly smile form on her lips. i get flustered by her within seconds of a call.
"hey, are you still gonna try and make it to the show tonight?" she asks.
"no, unfortunately. my mom has everyone coming over for dinner so i probably can't squeeze in time to sneak out" i say as i shake my head.
"yeah, nah. that actually works out perfect because you know... i have to go get that money after the show. and i think brandon is gonna come to the venue even after i told him not to. you know? because he's a dick?" she says in a bothered tone and i nod with a frown.
"yeah... are you gonna be okay, b?" i ask sincerely and i hear her sigh deeply.
"you know i can't promise you anything but, i'm gonna try my love" she says in a tiredsome voice and i nod. "besides, i know how you get and your gonna ask to come with me and the answer is no."
"damnit. i was hoping you would at least think about it this time" i say, furrowing my eyebrows in frustration.
"lola, after last time? it's just too much of a risk. i can't have anything happen to you.."
"well, i can't have anything happen to you" i defend.
"i'll be fine"
"how do you know that, bil?"
she takes a moment to answer and i look at her as she thinks with a worried expression on my face. she closes her eyes and lets out a breathe.
"i don't. but what can i do?"
i frown more but i do understand where she's coming from, so i nod.
"i know, i know" i sigh. "your right"
"i'll be okay, lo. don't worry about me, alright?" she asks.
i want to convince her further not to go, but i know it's best for her safety if she gets it over with. but for some reason.. her words just seam like they could be a sign that maybe she won't be just fine.
or, maybe that's just me being paranoid as always... so i just nod and give her a small smile.
"okay"
"have fun at your dinner party though" she says softly with a small wink and a smile. i laugh at her cute expression.
"i will" i say rolling my eyes with a soft smile on my lips. "i love you though..."
"i love you too" she says pouting just a little in an adorable way.
"be careful, billie" i tell her lastly as i pick up my phone.
"i will, geeze" she says in a sarcastic tone and i laugh, we hang up and i already miss her like always.
i stand up and go to my closet.
mom said something nice
i don't know what i need to get dressed up for if it's only my annoying siblings coming over but hey, i'll never pass up an opportunity to get cute.
i throw on a dress, makeup, and do my hair up and i felt good about my 'nice' outfit.
about two hours pass and that's when i hear the laughter and loud talking coming from downstairs.
usually, i wait for my mom to drag me out of my room to be social, but instead i finally decide to push myself and try to interact with my absurd family members.
i hold the railing with one hand and type on my phone with the other, only to be greeted by my mother snatching it from my hand when i get to the bottom step.
"mom, what the-"
"ah, ah, ah... no phones tonight" she says pulling it away and i immediately huff and fold my arms.
"and no attitudes either" my mom warns, raising a brow.
"but what if billie needs to get in contact with me?..." i ask and she just simply rolls her eyes.
"then she can wait"
i watch her set my phone right on the counter and i just huff more. then, i feel an arm sling around me and i go into a defensive mode immediately.
"lola... you ready to completely freak out while playing the last of us tonight, like you always do?" luka chuckles.
"shut up" i laugh and shove his arm from me. "you always have the tv loud and you know i'm not good with loud noises"
"uh hu..." he mocks me and we laugh as we both enter the kitchen.
and that's when i stop in my tracks immediately
my body becomes frozen and i swallow hard. my hands drop to my sides and my eyes become still.
what the actual fuck?
"dad?"
i see my father standing in the middle of the kitchen with my mom, jaden, and aura.
"baby girl" he says in a cheerful tone.
and that's when i knew my night was going to complete shit
☆
we all sit at the dinning room table and dinner is on our plates.
i pick at my food as i rest my head in one arm and watch all of them closely.
especially my dad
what the fuck is he doing here?
he cheats on mom, doesn't say shit to either us and now he's back!?
what the hell???
my mom, aura, and jaden are all being buddy buddy with him and it's grossing me out. they are acting as if nothing happened..
luka and i, were the only ones at the table observing but not talking.
we know how sus this shit is.
"so.. when's the ring coming?" my dad nudges jaden and he laughs.
"soon, soon" my brother chuckles and smiles at aura. she puts on a fake smile and holds her hand.
we all know that's a lie
if he hasn't purposed to her yet, he never will. and in about five years they will both be crying with a kid and no idea where to go next.
i could bet on it
what bothered me the most, was that jaden was being so interactive with dad knowing what he did. jaden is the oldest. he should be the one to speak up first. aura, doesn't have a choice because dad isn't her father, so she just has to go along and be fake as well.
we and luka make eye contact as we watch the rest of our family members conversate.
"what the hell?" he whispers to me.
"did you know?" i ask him, trying to be quite.
"no. don't you think i would of told you???" he furrows his eyebrow and sucks his teeth.
i sigh and slump back into my chair.
"aura and jaden have been doing so well lately" my mom says in a cheerful tone that makes me roll my eyes harder than i ever have. "and luka has gotten so much better independently after the breakup with delilah"
luka becomes tense after my mom says that last sentence.
all of us siblings know how not okay he's been recently after delilah.
but mom and dad don't know that.
he just nods and gives them a soft smile, i feel bad though. i hates that mom lied about all this shit to dad... knowing really none of us are at our best, and moms parenting skills have gone down hill.
"and lola..." my mom pauses and looks at me.
i smile and give her that 'i already know i'm a disgrace, you don't have to drag it' look, she sighs a bit but keeps a smile on her face when her shoulders drop.
"she's been staying focused on school.. and fashion.. and her interactions low" my mom says sternly as she gives me that look. i shake my head and look the other way, then my dad speaks up again.
"is that true sweetheart?" he said with a warm smile.
"sure" i say in a fake-happy voice.
"you know your gonna have to show me what you've been working on" he chuckles as he picks up some of his food.
"oh, because you would totally want to know" i laugh and clench my fist under the table. "after not calling or talking to any of us for months.. but yeah, sure you care about my well being right?"
i say and give him a fond smile tilting my head, but he and everyone else go quite.
my mom taps her finger on the table and takes a deep breath.
"lola.." she starts.
"can i be excused??" i say forcefully. "i'm not hungry anymore"
i pull my chair out from the table and walk away from them all.
i can't bare to watch my mom be this plastic to my cheating and lying father that doesn't give a shit once he knows we're not as perfect as we seam.
it's all bullshit
this is all bullshit!
as i start going for the stairs i hear my dads voice, he tries to catch up with me.
"hey, babygirl" he says walking up to me and i stop in my tracks and turn to face him below me.
"you barely talked in there" he laughs. "come on, it's been so long, i wanna catch up on you... any boys you got your eye on, hu?"
"no. but i know that i would be murdered if their was any, so why would i tell you that?" i say rudely and start walking up the steps again.
but i'm stopped when my dad catches my hand and i pull it away quickly and turn my head.
"oh, so it's like that now?" he says chuckling, he raises his eyebrows and places his hands on his hips.
"now?" i say, my voice sounding broken. "dad.. you have no right to be interested in what's going on in my life now."
his posture drifts and i can tell something has started to click in his head. i turn to face him completely.
"you... hurt mommy, and me, and all of us." i break down to him. "you don't say anything to me and months. no text. no call. you just completely disappear after dropping that bomb and you expect me to just take you back like that???"
my heart starts to race as i speak and my dad only sighs, dipping his head and looking to the ground.
"how could you do that to us?" i bite my lip and my eyes start to get tearful, but i try to laugh it off. not meaning to cry like this.
"lola.. i knew it was gonna be hard for you to process. i thought you didn't want to hear from me-"
"but i did!" i tell him.
he looks up at me and gets closer, a smile forming on his lips again.
"well, i'm here now... and you can tell me all you want, baby. i'm listening. fill me in. i wanna know the real you" he says with a smile on his face that makes me wanna go back in time and erase it all.
"you wanna know the real me?" i repeat to him and i grip the railing a little tighter.
he nods and looks up at me.
he's so idealistic
"dad, i like women and men" i tell him completely direct. "i lie.. and i don't listen and i run away. i'm not getting go grades and i don't even know what i want to do with my life. i disrespect mom everyday..."
my dad stares at me for a moment and he starts to bring up that sly smile as i shrug, it's as if he isn't buying it.
"so your a teenager" he laughs. "big deal. it's a phase"
"but it's not a phase! you sound just like mom, see!"
"babygirl-"
"stop calling me that!" i say as a tear runs down my cheek. "i'm not your babygirl, this is the real me dad, raw and real"
he stands there and stares at me, in disbelief of what to say next but i expected that.
"you missed a lot, so wake up.."
i take a deep breath and i look at my now defeated looking father.
"i'm not your perfect little girl anymore" i say softly and shake my head before turning and running to my room.
i shut my door and sit on the ground. holding my knees to my chest and letting it fall out.
i cry and i don't know why
why does it hurt so bad? why is it worst when we hear the things we do out loud?
if it's one thing i've inherited from my dad, it's that i can be just as a shitty person as he is... but i don't let it get to the point we're i'm hurting everyone around me.
he just doesn't understand
i will never grow and end up like him.
never!
☆
billies POV
the show is over and i'm being rushed backstage.
i have to get going in approximately five minutes or i'm toast, so i try my best to convince my team one of my friends has an emergency and i can't go for dinner with the rest of them.
once they let me go, i grab my jacket and my keys and head for the exit door.. before i'm stoped my my mom.
"billie, baby.. what's the hurry?" she asks.
"uh.. lola really, really needs me, mom. like now. and i have to get going.." i tell her, sounding dejected so she can let me go faster.
"oh, okay, well tell her i said hi-"
"i will" i nod. "i love you"
i kiss my moms cheek quickly before running away.
"i love you too!" i hear her call.
i push open the heavy exit door and start running to my car. the thing i was the most relieved about was that brandon wasn't here.
i don't know what i would do if i had to deal with his aggravating, disgusting, fuckface right-
suddenly i jerk backwards as a car swerves in front of me. so close i could of been on the fucking ground within seconds. the window rolls down,
"there's been a change of plans. get it." brandon looks at me as he rest one hand on the steering wheel.
oh fuck
i'm frozen for a second and my stomach starts to churn.
"what???"
"i said get in!!" he yells at me and i start circling the car.
"okay! jesus christ!" i yell back, i get into the car and slam the door shut.
"what the hell is going on?" i ask, my expression serious as i look at him, his shoulders slouching and he bounced his leg anxiously.
"first of all... don't slam my fucking door"
"oh, brandon please" i say, pushed past annoyance by just his appearance. i sigh and rub my hands down my face.
"they took my damn money and ran with it, now, i'm gonna take you to get it. i don't have time for this shit.." he says angrily and pulls back the gear shaft roughly.
i sit there and furrow my eyebrows as i try and process what the fuck is going on but he zooms off all of a sudden and it throws me back into the seat.
i forgot he can't fucking drive for shit
but it was mostly because he really didn't give a fuck how reckless his driving was...
"wait... what?" i say in a confused tone, still not understanding what's going on. he places both his hands on the steering wheel and grips it tight as he looks at me with anger.
"nigga, i'm speaking fucking english right!?!"
"okay! stop fucking yelling at me!" i yell back at him again, and turn to put my seatbelt on. "jesus"
"look... can you just shut up and we drive their silently??" he asks.
"oh please, i wouldn't talk to you on purpose if a gun was being held to my fucking head" i say leaning my arm on the window seal along with my head, and staying as far away from him as possible.
he starts heading for the highway and i huff while sitting quietly for only a few minutes. my leg starts to bounce and i immediately start to tick from reminiscing in unpleasant memories of being trapped in this car with him.
the sent
the feeling
the rage
the hurt emotions
"how far is it?" i ask.
"far"
"well thanks, that tells me a hell of a lot"
"i thought you weren't talking, hu?" he asks me in a way that was forcing an answer.
"i'm not..."
"so be quiet" he warns.
"hey, don't forget i'm doing all this shit because your making me"
"don't forget i can kill you at any given time or moment"
he raises his voice again but remains calm, it gets quite and i sink back into the seat.
"you're a psychopath" i snort.
"and you're a little bitch, but you don't see me complaining about it.." he murmured.
"um, yes i do. that's literally ALL you do!"
"hey! didn't i say shut the fuck up!?!" he yells again.
he eyes down me and i immediately go silent once again, continuing to look out the window.
this is such bullshit. i hate it in here. i hate being this close to him and i hate feeling trapped.
i'm not the claustrophobic type but whenever i'm in his presence, i can't bare it.
a few more moments fly by and here we are still driving down the highway...
but i didn't recognize it..
it was unfamiliar
much more time passes and it seams like we're just heading into no direction...
like we were in the middle of no where
just trees, and more trees. barely any cars.
my nose scrunches up and i squint my eyes to try and look for road signs but nothing.
now it's almost been an hour. and the longer we drive, the more uncomfortable i get.
i pull out my phone and rush to text lola.
me:
hey, babe.. i'm gonna send you my location okay? just so you know where i am in case something happens
me:
sending location...
failed
i try my mom
failed
i try my dad
failed
and lastly, i try finneas...
failed
shit! no service!
i say to myself and look up at the empty road again, i swallow hard and start to get panicky.
"brandon, seriously... where the hell are we going?
"mothafaka, didn't i say relax??? we'll be there soon." he says and my chest starts to heave.
"how the fuck do you expect me to relax! we're in the middle of fucking no where!"
"if you keep yelling at me... i'm gonna blow your head off" his eyes shift slowly to look at me and i shake my head.
i have to remember that i'm in the car with a psychotic, self centered, bastardized maniac..
anything i say to him just goes over his head if it isn't praising him, or has anything to do with money and drugs.
i turn my body to face him and i swallow hard again.
"i'm gonna ask you one more time..." i start lowering my voice. "where the fuck are we going?"
i ask and he just continues to deny.
deny, deny...
and more denying
he stays silent and laughs to himself.
i observe the anxious leg bouncing, the hand switching upon the steering wheel, his heavy breathing and nervous laughing...
and that's when it hits me.
"were not going to get the money..." i say in a soft tone. "there isn't any money"
my voice becomes shaken and stare at him.
he folds, licks his lips as he laughs more.
"you don't know what your talking about.." he starts, continuing to bounce his leg.
"you- your gonna take me back to that place... your gonna try to sell me to those sex traffickers and use me" my voice trembles and i feel more hurt and uncomfortable than i ever have in my entire life.
"don't be stupid eilish-" he starts.
"pull over" i say, unsnapping my seatbelt.
"billie-"
"pull over!!! right now!"
"no! what the fuck is wrong with you!???"
"brandon! pull. over. i wanna get out. let me out!!!" i beg for mercy. but he won't budge. he just starts getting more and more worked up.
"fucking let me OUT!!!" i scream.
"fine!!!" he swerves the car over to the side of the road and i immediately push open the door and get out.
slamming it like always and taking myself as far away from that car as possible.
i walk
and tears start forming in my eyes as i think about all the fights and all the tears that were involved in this exact scenario.
i hear footsteps trying to catch up with me but i continue fast walking.
"where the fuck are you even gonna go? hu?" brandon ask from behind me.
"leave me alone, que. i'm walking home" i say sniffing, i wipe my eyes.
"how?" he laughs. "we're miles away!"
"because i want to go home!!!" i say and i turn around to face the tall man standing above me.
my fists tight and clenched, my heart over full and broken.
"i'm tired!! i'm tired of you treating me like this!!! i don't deserve this, i don't. this has to stop. i-i can't take this anymore as a human being!! i'm only eighteen fucking years old!!! you had no right to do the things you did to me at twenty one!!! or twenty two!! or three or now!! i was just a kid. i didn't know any better but you.. you did. i told you i wanted to stop and instead you couldn't control yourself and you raped me. i was sixteen brandon. sixteen!!!" i start to cry in his face and he just stares down at me.
"and since then you've been taking advantage of me like the mothafucker you are. i lost my virginity, my childhood, my everything to you!! i can't get that back! my family is in danger and my own girlfriend can't even trust that i'm safe when i leave her and all because of you-"
all of a sudden he grabs my shoulders and pushes me back as his lips crash into mine and he kisses me before i shove his chest hard.
"what the fuck!!!?" i ask with blurry vision. he comes closer to me and holds my shoulders.
"baby, i'm sorry... i love you. i really do, and i never meant to hurt you. you know i didn't. i want you back, billie. i know you still love me, right???" he asks and his hand caresses my hair but i just stand there and laugh in his face through tears.
"love you?" i say. "brandon, i could never ever fucking love you!!! i rather be stabbed to death then to actually admit ever loving you! i hate you. i hate the way your hands feel on me. i hate the way you abuse and hit me physically and verbally and i hate just looking at the man you are!! your a disgrace and your absolutely fucked up in the head. so trust me, and so help me god, take it and run with it when i say.. i will never love you!" i look him in the eyes and he continues to stand completely still.
"oh.. so it's like that, hu?" he asks in a low tone and i watch his fists bawl up slowly as we speak.
but i'm not afraid. i'm tired of being afraid.
"yes. it's exactly like that" i tell him and he only licks his lips.
"remember that when you can do anything but cry and scream when i start fucking you like the dumb, selfish, bitch you are-"
i stand on the tip of my toes and spit on his face before he can finish his sentence.
it slides down his cheek easily and i watch as he reaches up to wipe it slowly and i stare with dark eyes.
"you are so fucked up" i say lowly, shaking my head. pain drowning my voice out and making it strained.
for a few seconds, it was quite, nothing but the unmatched hatred between the both of us, until..
brandon slaps me and shoves me to the ground.
i fall and my ankle completely twist when i've hit the dirt, i immediately cry in agony and cradle myself.
"agh!!" i shut my eyes and hold my ankle. i'm not able to feel anything when brandon flips me on my back and starts fighting to restrain me.
"no! brandon, stop. please!" i scream and fight his arms from pinning me down.
"this is what you wanted, hu?? this is what you wanted? you did this!" he says through gritted teeth as we flail and i use all my strength to push him away.
i scream and cry as he places a firm grasp around my throat to choke me, which gives him leverage to pry my legs apart.
"help!!! please!! help me!!" i scream even though there wasn't anymore to hear me for miles, i kick and fight but my ankle throbed with every time i punched and flailed.
i continue to fight him but he forces my arms down and manages to slide his pants down as best as he can at the same time.
"no!! i'm begging you, don't do this!!! please!!"
"shut up" he insist and i cry more. i place my hands in between my legs in defense, like i always do but he ends up pulling and prying them away. i use all my strength but i end up letting go as he grabs my wrist and starts forcing my pants down.
they become torn off my ankles, and my underwear not even shorty after.
i shut my eyes let out a blaring scream and he fights for dominance between my legs, my arms getting pinned back down immediately.
tears run down my cheeks and i try and put on a sweet act.
"okay, okay! i'm sorry, baby... please. don't do this. i'm begging you, que" i say softly to grab his attention and he stops to stare at my subdue state.
"you don't have to do this, i promise. i'm gonna be there for you for now on, and- and i won't talk back or hurt you just, please" i say while half sobbing and he continues to hold me down.
"come on, baby...what happened to the man i was in love with?" i say softly as i look at him and sniff.
it was like something was actually going through his head for the first time today, i had hit a nerve and he was giving thinking a shot...
i thought my surrender was working, but what he said next.. took me by complete surprise.
"nah, you rather be stabbed to death than admit to ever loving me" he says with complete lunacy before forcing himself inside of me.
"no!" i cry out and my body goes into shock when his thrusting movements take over my access of doing anything. my breathing is broken as cries fight through them and my hair is being torn and yanked backwards.
as much as i cry and scream, he doesn't stop just like he promised. he puts his entire weight into me and like that, i'm paralyzed.
my hands are frozen, my mouth is stuck wide open and my eyes flutter as tears blaze down my cheeks. inching down my face further with every time he fucks into me without mercy.
my breathing is hitched and i can't hear myself cry any longer above the white noise drowning out my ears, i fail to stare anywhere but upwards at the tress and forest above me.
trapped
my body was being railed into the dirt as moments go by, but my mind was in another place
wondering how i became so weak when all i am is this strong female lead to the public
how can i be anyone's roll model when something so unsettling was happening to me right now?
it feels like it's going on forever. never ending. my head throbbing and my entire everything sore.
my lips blue from the wind giving me whiplash and the coldness starting to hit me hard. tears dried up on my cheeks. my hair, completely wrecked and drowning in dirt. my wrist red and numb from brandon's restraining. my ankle was swollen and throbbing like no pain i've ever left. redness covering every inch of my body. and my unmentionables... hurt and intruded.
brandon lets out a noise when he feels satisfied with what he's done and i feel wind come over me when he lifts himself from me, leaving me their in the dirt and leaves.
i stay there. quite. and i hear him shuffling to rearrange his close and walk back to his car, only to shut the door and drive away like that.
i give myself only a few moments before sitting up slowly and holding my head.
everything was a little bit blurry and the only thing i could hear was myself breathing.
i look around, then reach for my pants only to find my phone cracked from when i fell to the ground.
"ah!" i wince in pain and i stand up slowly and reach for my ankle. i whimper some while i slip my pants back on.
my hand trembles as i reach to touch the bruises,
red and purple scattered across my body.
now limping, i take myself and start walking.
crying and in excruciating pain.. i have no one and nothing to get back home but myself.
walking on my ankle hurt like a bitch, and my entire body was failing to get me through it.
miles it takes me to reach a bus stop, and when i do. it's pitch black dark out.
the driver was the only one attended and when he opens the door for me to hop in, he looks completely confused and concerned.
i was a complete mess
externally and internally.
i leaned my head against the window and closed my eyes on the way home.
my heart hurt and my mind completely sunken.
when we reach my street, i get off and start walking for my house that's nearby again.
my limping never hurts less even when i reach my doorstep. i breathe in deeply and stare at my hand on the door handle.
this was gonna be it
tonight's the night i surrender.
i just can't do this anymore.
i open the door up and step inside of the house. immediately noticed my mom sitting on the couch, reading.
"billie? baby?" she calls, and then turns around slowly to see my appearance. she immediately covers her mouth.
"mom.." my voice soft. she gets up from the couch, completely shaken just by seeing me i this state and i get closer to her, crying once again.
"mom" is all in able to get out.
she places her hands on each side of my head gently and her eyes search every part of me.
"baby... what happened to you?" her voice starts to break, my mom doesn't dare hesitate to show her emotion in times like these.
as i looked at her i completely break down.
this was it
just a few words left
my tears make my vision blurry again and my mom holds my hands.
"mom, i need to tell you something..."
☽
I'm crazy for tryin' and crazy for cryin'
And I'm crazy for lovin' you
☽
A/N: whew
i luv u
sm
xoxo
- skye ♡