"Baby, when you get this call me back," she heard Xavion sigh over the phone.
She hadn't talked to him in a while, maybe a day or two, and she just didn't have the energy to do so today. Her mental health was kicking her hard, and she needed time to herself.
Usually, she could figure it out by herself. That's what she always did, she didn't need to ask for help or burden anybody with her constant mood fluctuations. Lately, she had been okay, she'd been happier and this was happening much less, but when it did happen, it didn't last this long.
"I'm sorry," she mumbled aloud as if Xavion could hear her.
She hadn't left her room since she got off work Friday, it was now Sunday afternoon and nobody had heard from her, she didn't go to her parents house yesterday, she just wanted to be alone.
She knew this could be self destructive, but she also didn't know what else to do other than wait it out. She tried therapy when she was in college, and therapists made her feel so uncomfortable and vulnerable, her sessions would often end in tears, or her just choosing not to speak.
Even when Sahara would insert herself, conversation was small and very limited to if she'd eaten and slept.
Emari was extremely frustrated with herself. She didn't understand why she got like this when she had good things going for her. She could be on top of the world, and the next day completely crash. She could be in a room full of people she loved and loneliness could still creep up on her, and she hated it.
She just wanted it to stop. Nothing made sense to her, and she felt like sometimes that made it worse, because when she couldn't understand what was wrong, there was no way to fix it, and she didn't know how long she'd be stuck, held captive by her own emotions. . She felt like when she got like this, she could never win, she was always overpowered.
Her bedroom was dark with all the curtains closed, it was now 4:45, and she hadn't eaten a thing all day, getting out of bed felt like such a chore she couldn't bring herself to do it, but she knew she had to. So after a few minutes of just staring at her wall, convincing herself she dragged herself up and trudged to her kitchen.
On the way, she passed her full body mirror and made the mistake of looking into it. She had on the same clothes as the day before, oversized sweatpants and a large shirt that completely swallowed her. Her hair was a mess and you could see the lack of sleep in her eyes.
In her own opinion, she looked dark. Her emotions were easily displayed in her skin and her eyes, she felt sunken in and hollow.
She shook her head at herself, feeling tears welling up in her eyes and furiously wiping them away before making her way to the kitchen to get some food and drink some water, which she'd also been neglecting.
The thought of eating anything she had in the fridge made her stomach turn, so she shut it, grabbing a room temperature bottle of water and an apple, cutting it up and grabbing her jar of nutella, sitting on the floor in front of her couch with the food, staring at it.
"Come on Mar," she sighed, rubbing her eye again. "You gotta eat something," she mumbled, letting the tears finally drop while she tried to eat, and finish everything, desperately wishing she could just snap out of it.
Just bounce back from whatever this was, be happy like she was on Monday, went and seen her family yesterday and went on the double date with Xavion an hour ago. But it wasn't that easy, it seemed like nothing was that easy.
"Nah, she not answering," Xavion sighed, rubbing his hands down her face. He hadn't had a real conversation with Emari in two days, the most he got were vague text messages telling him she was fine.
He didn't know what was going on, he even went by her apartment Saturday night when Mycah texted him asking where she was because she never showed up to the house. He stood there for almost fifteen minutes, she didn't answer the phone but she was reading his messages.
Xavion was scared, in all honesty. Everything just switched up so fast, she was okay a few days ago, he was just with her and now she wasn't talking to him. He didn't know if it was something he did, or if something happened to her, but not knowing anything was terrifying to him.
"I haven't talked to her either," Sahara sighed. He reached out to her, because he figured if anybody knew anything, it would be her best friend. "Listen, Xavion. Mari dealt with bad depression when we were younger, in high school and college," she explained and his eyes widened.
"Sh-she never—she never told me," he mumbled, feeling horrible for never noticing it.
"She doesn't like talking about it, she likes to try and navigate everything alone. I'm only telling you this because I know she won't, and she needs you—she needs somebody as much as she doesn't wanna have anybody. This doesn't happen as much as it used to, she just...she can have really bad days, and she just falls into this pit and it's so hard for her to come out," she spoke sadly.
Upon hearing this, Xavion could feel his chest begin to hurt. Depression was s scary thing to hear that any of your friends or loved ones were going through, and he'd never dealt with a depressed person before, friend, family or significant other.
"W-well what do we do? She's not talking and she's not answering my texts anymore. She's...she won't try to—"
"No, no," Sahara instantly cut him off easing his mind slightly. "She gets really sad. It's like she's paralyzed by it. She doesn't sleep, barely eats or does anything else she's supposed to do. I wouldn't be surprised if she called out tomorrow," she continued to explain.
Every time she added something else, the weight of his fear grew. He instantly began to worry if she'd eaten in the past three days, if she'd slept at all, or taken any physical care of herself at all.
"I'm gonna go over to her apartment, I have her extra key. You're more than welcome to come but I want you to understand something. I can tell this is scaring you, and it can be scary sometimes but we can't let her know that. We can't let her know we're sad for her, and try not to let her know you feel bad for her, it doesn't help her at all," she told him and he nodded.
"What can I do? What do you usually do?" he leaned forward in his seat and Sahara's heart was warm. She could tell he genuinely cared about her best friend.
"Well, usually like I said it's not this bad. We typically talk when she's having bad days or bad weeks. But, when it does happen, I go over and I see what needs to be done, I'll see if she cleaned up, if she has food in her fridge. I go in her room and I kinda ease my way to lay down with her, just try to get her to talk a little. She likes physical affection a lot, makes her feel safe so I'll just...be with her you know?" she explained and he nodded along.
"If I can, I'll try my best to encourage her to get up, take a shower and do her hair, and get dressed, and we'll go outside. Walk around the block, go get some food, as long as its not inside. Maybe we'll go grocery shopping today," she said.
"Is she...would she wanna see me?" he asked. The last thing he wanted was to make Emari uncomfortable especially right now. Sure they were dating, but he clearly didn't know what she needed right now.
"I'm sure she'd love to see you. She's not ignoring us because she wants to, she probably really misses you. What I will tell you, is that she's gonna be embarrassed. She may not want you to have ever seen her like this. But please just reassure her you're there for her, and that you care, tell her not to apologize," she sighed.
He thought back to all the times he apologized to her over small things, and how many time she'd gone out of her way to make him feel good about himself, and reassure him of the most trivial things or his smallest insecurities and he thought this was the least he could do.
He and Sahara got in their respective cars, because they didn't know if he'd stay with her once he got to her. The entire way there, he was wracking his brain for a sign, any sign that he could have missed.
Terrible was an understatement as to how he felt. All he wanted was to be there for her and he simply didn't know how to be. He didn't know what to say, and as her boyfriend, he felt like it was his job to be there. It was his job to know these things, to do her best to make her feel better and make her feel safe and loved.
He shook out of those thoughts quickly, remembering that this wasn't at all about him and how he was feeling, but her and how she felt.
Once they got to her building, they walked silently up to her apartment, he took a deep breath as Sahara unlocked the door and made her way in.
The sun hadn't set, but the place was completely black like it was nighttime. There was a bottle of half finished water in the living room and some apple slices on a plate next to an open jar of nutella and a knife sticking out of it.
The kitchen wasn't messy, but not spotless like she usually kept it. There were dishes in the sink, and in her dish dryer where she'd usually keep empty. He checked the fridge like she mentioned and there was nothing in there but leftovers from when he took her out for dinner the other day, and by the looks of it they were completely untouched.
The living room looked normal besides the food on the floor, so they made their way back to her bedroom, Sahara knocking gently.
"Emari...I'm here, babe. I brought Xavion," she announced.
There was silence, but when Sahara cracked the door open, they could hear her sniffling like she was crying and his heart broke.
"H-hey baby," he spoke quietly, as she looked up at them from her position. She was buried under her covers, her face was wet and her hair wasn't done, just like Sahara mentioned.
"We just wanted to come check on you, lovebug. You haven't talked to us in a while," she spoke gently.
"I'm sorry," she rasped out. "I did—I didn't mean it,"
"Don't apologize, Mari. We're not upset, right?" Sahara looked back at Xavi.
"Right! Right, nobody's upset with you, we're just worried," he spoke quickly.
"Exactly. We just wanna make sure you're doing okay. Did you eat today?" she wondered, sitting down on the bed. He could see what she meant by easing her way in to get next to her, he didn't even realize until she sat down.
"I couldn't finish," she mumbled. "I tried, I promise,"
"I know, that's okay," Sahara reassured, scooting closer to her. "What's been going on, babe?" she asked cautiously.
"I—I don't know, I really—I just don't know," she said truthfully. "Sorry,"
"No need to apologize, love," Sahara smiled. Emari moved towards her and laid her head on Sahara's shoulder, wiping her face with her sleeve. Xavi didn't know what to do, he just looked at her, she even looked different in her face and it hadn't been that long since he saw her last.
She shifted her eyes to him and he gave her a smile, albeit small he couldn't offer her much more at the moment. It made him
feel a bit better because when he first came in, she wouldn't look at him at all.
"Mari," Sahara spoke. "We noticed you don't have anything in the fridge, you haven't gone shopping this week?"
"U-um no, I didn't have time," she muttered.
"Well, we can take you," Xavion spoke, trying to do what Sahara said. "Y-you could get what you need, we'll be with you," he said. She stared at him for a little longer after he said that.
"I don't know—I didn't do laundry and I haven't done my hair I just...I'm not sure," she rambled. "Maybe I'll go later,"
"It'll be better if you go today, babe. You ate your last piece of fruit you have and there's no snacks, you gotta eat, Mar," Sahara gently pushed, and Xavion nodded in agreement. "We'll wait for you okay? Just get ready and we'll go with you," she said, getting up from Mari's bed, and beckoning for him to come out the room behind her.
Once they were on the couch, Xavi turned to ask Sahara a question and saw her hands covering her face.
"You okay?" he wondered.
"I'm fine," she nodded. "I just wish there was some way I could prevent these days, I just want her to be happy," she sighed.
Although this was Xavion's first real experience dealing with Emari's depression, he could understand. Usually, Emari was like warm sunshine, her smile was infectious and she loved to laugh but right now it was different and he could feel it.
Once Mari got out of the shower and was all dressed, they headed to the grocery store nearest her apartment and got to shopping.
Xavion remembered what Sahara said about the physical affection thing and kept a firm hold on Emari's hand as they walked the aisles, and she grabbed things she usually kept at home.
While they were waiting on her to wash up, Sahara was sure to remind Xavion not to do every small task for her. He was more than ready to push the cart, grab the food and simply ask which item she'd prefer, but Sahara told him that they should try to avoid making her feel helpless or like a child. She just needed some assistance.
As they checked out, Xavion gladly paid for her groceries like he usually would, while she and Sahara bagged everything up.
"Thank you, Xavion," she said, holding on to his hand again, making him genuinely smile down at her.
"No problem, baby," he kissed her forehead and they made their way back to her apartment.
Once there, Sahara helped Mari put all her groceries away, but after that, she had to go because she and Rashaad had to go to her moms house for some last minute wedding things.
"I'm gonna see you later, okay babe? Take care of yourself," she hugged her friend tightly, rubbing her back up and down. "I love you,"
"I love you," Mari spoke quietly. "Thank you,"
"Always and forever, sis, don't forget," she grinned. Xavi opted to walk her to her car just to be safe and she gave him a hug as well once she got there. "Take care of my girl okay?"
"I will," he nodded and she got in the car. He waited till she pulled off to jog back upstairs and go inside. Mari was bundled up in a blanket on her couch already when he came back and he didn't know what was the best way to approach her was.
He didn't want to make her uncomfortable and ask her questions although he had them, so he just stuck to Sahara's advice to help her around the house.
"Um baby, you-you said you hadn't done your laundry right?" he asked, stepping closer to the couch. She shook her head no. "Well, if you want, I could help you? You know, so you could have some clean stuff for next week," he suggested.
"Well, I don't want you to have to do my chores," she spoke, and he could hear how tired she was. She also wouldn't look him in his eye, and he was sure this was what Sahara meant about her being embarrassed.
"No, I promise it's fine baby. I'll do it, you just relax okay? I'll be back," he said and went to her room to grab her hamper. He brought it back out to the living room and sat near her, turning on the tv, and putting Sister Sister on, knowing they had started their rewatch of it the other day.
He started separating her clothes and every few minutes she got closer to him until she was fully laying on his back while he worked.
"Okay, I'm going to the machine, Mari. I'll be back. You hungry?" he asked, hoping she said yes because by the looks of it she ate two apple slices and it was almost 8:30 now.
"A little," she said and he nodded.
Once her clothes were in the machine he made his way into the kitchen, to make her something quick that he knew how to do well. They bought pasta and sauce, and he felt like every black mom he knew—including his own making them a pot of spaghetti but it was easy and quick.
It was done in about fifteen minutes and he brought her a small bowl of it, with cheese on top because he knew she always ate unreasonable amounts of cheese on her pasta.
"Here baby, I made you food," he said, handing her one of the bowls and sat beside her again, saying grace quickly before eating. As he turned to ask her if she liked it, he noticed her starting to cry and his eyes went wide. "Wh-what happened?! You okay?" he frantically asked.
"I just—th-thank you," she sniffed and he felt sort of relieved. He put his bowl down and turned to her, hugging her close to him while she cried.
"You don't have to thank me, okay? No matter what goes on I'm gonna always be here for you, my love. You'll never have to worry about that, I'm always gonna be right here beside you, I promise. I love you, aight?"
"I-I love you too," she hiccuped and he just continued to rub her back until she quieted down, hopefully getting some rest that she desperately needed.
He meant every word he said, he didn't know how often this happened to her, or how many times he would need to be here doing this exact same thing, but it didn't really matter to him because he wanted to be here. He wanted to make sure she could feel all the love that he had for her, and if he had to say it a million times he would.
hi friends
so, i hope y'all enjoyed this update.
i know it wasn't as happy and upbeat as something i'd usually post but, this is often the reality. you never know when you're gonna have one of those days and you never know how long a bad day could last.
i know i mentioned mari's depression early on and her tendency to isolate herself so i just wanted to give a peek into that and the effects on her.
how do we feel about sahara's advice to xavion?
how do we feel xavion handled everything before and after sahara left?
lmk y'all favorite parts!
and be sure to check in on your friends if you can. you never know what they could be going through, or how much you just giving them a call, sending them a text or being their listening ear could help them 🥰
till next time ❤️