"Sajda tera kar na sakoon
Toh bandagi kya bandagi
Tere bina jeena pade
Toh zindagi kya zindagi
Kya rang laaya Dil ka lagaana
Kya rang laaya Dil ka lagaana
Goonje hawaa mein
Bichhde dilaan diyaan duhaiyaan
Vey badi lambiyaan si judaiyaan"
S - "Yes..pr"
"Shh...bas 5 minute." I gave him an unregistered nod letting him walk me over to a less windier side of wherever we were. It was colder though, the heat only coming from a small corner of the place. He let go of my hand asking me to stand where he left me until he was back. I gulped, the blindfold was doing too much harm to my train of thoughts. I was being taken back to where I definitely didn't want to be.
Flashback :
The backroom was full of costumes and back up costumes. The make up artists and hair dressers rushing around the room. Unlike always neither Baaz or Preeti di or even Neetu di were here. I felt the loneliness rile up inside me. They werent bound to being here. All three of them have their own lives, practically busier ones too. I smile at one of the artists who was working a layer of makeup to my eyes, the meet and greet started in another 10-15 minuets. The show ended about half an hour ago. It was a good show... I had stacked up presents from fans. Picture edits, clothes, jewelry, and most importantly the love filled letters. Theyd noticed the change too. The change in how interactive I was on social media and how Sidharth and me being even spotted together entering my show wasnt real anymore. This was the second tour without him. The second tour without support that I needed to give my performance my all. Dont get me wrong.. I tried. Always. But it cant be the same when a big part of it all is missing. This was the same room that was once filled with anything but silence. We'd go live backstage, have our own little tom and jerry fights, him being the one doing my touch up every now and then... all in all paradise. Today was the opposite. It felt like hell to even sit here any longer but I wouldn't dare let down the last of love I had. I walk out into the crowd, putting the smile on to my face. The next hour flew by in pictures and lies that I hated having to tell. Sidharth was a constantly discussed topic. I didn't know whether to be happy about it or sad. Happy that I wasn't the only one still stuck there or sad because they had to hear something that wasnt totally true. I moved back into my vanity letting the tears out. I'd asked the staff to leave already having decided to clean up myself. I let out a shriek inside seeing a batch of people approach the van. I kept it locked deciding not to answer in such a disheveled state. I say in front of the mirror crying for hours uncounted. My phone not even pinging once to know where I was or why I wasnt home. I cried harder thinking about times when I was with Sidharth. I could guarantee that if I called him even right now, sobbing... he'd be outside the vanity door in minutes. Breaking it open if I didn't budge myself. But whats the point in it for me? He'd leave right after. I'd suffocated him with our relationship for 3 years according to everything hes said. Falling to the floor i let out my cries muffling them with my hands pressed against my lips. I didn't even know the exact reason behind what I was feeling, the feeling of drowning although I was no where near water. My breaths got heavy, my heart reaching my gut seemingly blasting any and every thought my mind had at once. I move taking the bottle of sleeping pills knowing I'd panic if I didn't have one before it happened.
Si - "Baby? Lets go"
I blinked back the tears in my eyes not wanting to shed them right now. How much I'd just wanted those three words in that moment only I knew. I let him walk me to wherever he pleased, sitting down as directed the next moment. "Im opening the blindfold okay?" He asked making me nod vigorously, eager to let the dark be put behind. He sat down behind me, legs placed on either side of mine. I blink a few times adjusting to the light as quick as I could, anticipating what I was going to see. My mouth fell agape looking at the scene in front of us. We were at one of the highest points in town, the high rise building look over that was left incomplete around the end. The entire city was in our view, the flickering lights, a perfect sunset, cars driving by, and even a few traces of the river a few streets down. We were sitting on a furry blanket, a second one spread across over the first, small fake candles lit the small sitting, a array of cushions protecting the sides and where he sat, the table in front of him containing 2 boxes of pizza and a variation of desserts. I move forward just a little eyeing everything on the table. Turning back I threw myself in his arms keeping my legs crossed in the small empty space. "Yeh sab? Kab kiya tune Sidharthhhhh?! " I ask pleasantly very surprised.
Si - "Acha lgga?"
"Bohttt.... tujhe pta hai na mera humesha se aise akele mein kisi random jagah pr date pe jaane ka kitna mnn tha. Aur yeh... yeh toh meri expectations se bhi acha hai..." I chime nuzzling myself against him still completely in love with the scene.
Si - "Yaad tha mujhe.... tune ek baar kaha tha, shayad tujhe nhi yaad ho pr yeh wohi building hai.... plan toh bohut time Pehle aane ka tha lekin. Fuck it ajj uski baat nhi karenge. Ajj sirf hum.. please? "
"Hmm... nhi karenge" I mumble pecking his cheek slightly overwhelmed at what he'd said. I didn't think he'd remember so long. I used to think he didn't pay much attention to things I said however I guess the scenario was quite different. I move sitting across his lap letting my arms cling around his neck. The smile on his face was worth going against everything I'd thought before. I'd never ever put myself in place to lose this again. Never ever. His arms pulled me up closer, tying them around my waist.
Si - "Doctor ne jo bola woh explain kregi? Panic kyun huyi? Aur tujhe ajj se pehle toh andhere mein aisa kuch nhi huya. Fir aachanak?"
"5 years door tha tu... zyada nhi badla lekin tu khud soch, teri attention k begair mera 1 din bhi khraab jaata tha... woh to fir bhi 2 saal baad tha. Mere har show pe,
Backstage, meet and greet,Interviews sab mein tu saath jaata tha, aur fir ek din achanak tu har chiz mein aana band krdiya. Koi nhi aata tha kyunki sab ko khud ke kaam bhi the aur poore tour pe koi call bhi nhi krta tha. Mujhe aadat ho gyi thi teri calls ki, tujhe stage se aaate hi milne ki. Woh "good job", "kya baat hai baby", aisa koi nhi bolta tha. Woh khushi Hi nhi thi shows ki... akele nhi reh skti main pehle se hi. Koi na koi chahiye hota hai. Abhi bhi agar Baaz saath na aaye to dwayi leni prti hai." I mumble slipping my hands against the nape of his neck. His hands pressed tighter against my side, his lips pecking each inch of my face as if assurance for the past to never repeat.
Si - "Ab se tere kehne pe bhi nhi chodunga. I promise. Aur appointments mein bhi saath jaunga. "
"Zaroorat hi nhi hai appointments ki.... tu hai, jaise bhi lekin hai. Tujhe pehle bhi kaha tha itni baar ki tu hai toh main theek hu, khush hu." I whisper leaning my head against his shoulder, looking back up at the view in front. He leaned his own head the same way following my eyes to the view in front. The silence wasnt awkward or eating me away, instead the soft beats of his heart were calming to hear. Almost like the exact therapy I'd needed. "Agar main tab tujhe phone krti toh tu aata?" I question finding the question riling up my throat.
Si - "Tujhe doubt tha? Of course aata... humesha aata."
"Doubt nhi tha, bas lgga ki uske baad tu chala jayega dubara...." I mumble fiddling with the small hem around the neck of his shirt. I felt him let out a shaky deep breath against the crook of my neck, making me shiver unknowingly. The gusts of wind seemed to be unregistered to the both of us, not disturbing even a moment of the time we'd been here for. "Baby? Woh box lekar aaye gi please?" He murmured a second later pointing at the small box at the edge of the sheets. I nodded making my way towards it. It was heavier than it looked, possibly filled with whatever he'd put inside. I move back over putting the box in his lap as I sat down beside him. "5 years tere paas humara pehla ka sab tha... lekin I had nothing. 1-2 pictures, watch aur sab sights k ilawa. Mein toh apartment bhi nhi aa skta tha, chaabi waha hi rakh di thi... uthane jaane k liye himmat nhi thi. Mujhe khud nhi pta tha ki woh sab mere liye kitna zaroori hai.. tere saath unki bhi importance pta lgg gyi. Yeh zyada toh kuch nhi hai lekin... every year tere birthday pe ya humari anniversary pe bina kuch liye nhi raha jaata tha. Pagal keh skti hai tu but I couldnt help it. I wanted this to be a lot different lekin abhi ek laat k saath toh itna hi kr skta hu.... I promise I'll do it again, better than this lekin uske liye you're going to have to accept this one... khol isse" he said the emotion behind it mirrored in his eyes as he forwarded the box towards me. I didn't know what this was or why it was but I knew enough to feel my gut wrenching at what was next, nor in a bad way of course. It was more of something like an enlightenment. I took off the lid finding the exact things I'd always shown him as things I wanted to buy whenever I could. The same little boxes of the thin fragile jewelry I liked wearing much more than the heavier sets. I moved past the boxes revealing the set of loose paper and a bunch of cards. He'd always been the type to write handwritten notes, whether they were short or long didn't matter. I loved it too.. I'd obsess over each one more than I did over what I came with. I flip open the cards first reading the small paragraphs one by one. He kept his eyes on me, watching keenly as I read through. The smile on his face contradicting most of what he'd written. The feelings constant throughout. As for myself... I regretted deciding against making a call for him more than ever before. I never valued anything over him before then why in my most needy state did I even hesitate? Knowing he was the only cure. Sure it was against what everyone told me about moving on but everyone never mattered like he did. He meant more than even my family... and that was a fact I couldn't change even if I wanted to. I let out a soft hiccup hastily wiping away the tears striking down my cheeks.
Si - "Yeh wala main parhunga...and please ro mat baby- not from today please?"
I blink my eyes giving him a soft smile having nothing more or less to say. "Come here.. aise nhi bola jayega mere se" he confessed with a slight chuckle gesturing me to sit closer. I did as told letting my hand grab for his, leaving the two interwined against my lap.
Si - "First off.. yeh prhne se pehle I want you to promise ki tu iske baad jo bhi kahegi woh sirf iski wajah se Nhi hoga. I dont want an impulsive answer. Soch na hai toh soch... jitna time chahiye utna le, I can wait... bas kabhi jhootha dilasa mat dena."
"Nhi dungi... I promise" I whisper softly pecking his arm, resting against it the next second. I look up at him seeing him hesitate to read out what he'd written, I cupped his face turning it towards myself. Reaching up slightly I pecked his lips, letting the kiss suck away the hesitation between the both of us.
Si - " Baby-"
"Bol.. mere se kab se darne lgga tu?" I ask knowing itd take away the last of the tension inside of him. He chuckled straightening out the paper, I glance over the words wondering why he'd never sent me any of these. The answer quite obvious. He sighed pulling our interwined hands up against his lips as he started.
Si - "To start with.. Im sorry, again. I know it doesnt mean anything other than just a word but its all I have to say. Us cheez ko kabhi justify nhi kr skta aur na hi mujhe krna hai. I still remember the first day I met you, the words that were spoken, the emotions mostly left unsaid. The way you made me smile just 5 mins into knowing you, the way your antics made my heart melt each time. I did things with you, for you that I'd never do for anyone before. The excitement even just the thought of you made me feel, the wonder, the anticipation, the way your presence made me feel more alive than ever before. I'd never felt the same joy and elation before you came. I still remember all the ways you made me feel... as if it was all just yesterday. Perhaps because I yearn to feel that way again. When I look back at how we began; the laughter and love we shared... I smile at all the ways we loved and how we dared to dream of a future together and how we promised each other a forever. I hate that I was the one to take it all away. Ill never forget any of that not a single thing but I know one thing for sure that the love we share or at least I have for you is the same. I may not know how but I promise we can get through this and come out stronger this time. You always were, still are and always will be my only true love. You don't even know how important you are to me, I may never be able to tell you either. But I beg of you to not doubt my love this time. Its the only thing Im so sure of. Trust krne layak shayad choda nhi but tu toh kr skti hai na? Tere ilawa mujhe koi nhi samajhta.. na koi kbhi smjhe ga. Its true, we never did and probably never will have it as easy as any other couple, but we both also know that what we have isnt ordinary. This isnt what everyone can take and thats why we chose each other. You always did and will always have me to call yours. I want you to remember that. Im here and I always will be here. Ill wait even if you want to leave today. I love you more than anything, itll never fade away just because of distance. Theres something about you that I know well enough I'll never find again. I also know better to let you go this time, I want this to be official... all of it. I want to assure you that I'm serious, Im ready to give you everything I wanted to do long before but was doubting we were ready. There's no room for doubt anymore. I want to you in every way I can have. You will forever be my always. I might be stupid to think of doing this right now, I know you might need time and Ill give you all of what you need bas ek baar haan bolde..... Shehnaaz Kaur Gill, will you marry me? Can we go back to completing all the promises we've made? Ek last baar mujhe mauka degi?"
"Hai pyaar toh kayi dafa kiya
Tujhse nahi kiya toh kya kiya
Tera mera yeh vaasta
Hai iss zindagi ki daastaan
Ya phir koi hamara
Pehle se hai raabta
Toh ik vaari aa
Aa bhi ja"